Thursday, April 12, 2007

It's Not Road Rage, It's Moral Superiority

It's Not Road Rage, It's Moral Superiority
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

"Watch where you're going, you jerk!"

"Did you see that guy? He cut me off!"

"I did not blast the horn at him."

"I only lightly honked at him."

"Because he cut me off."

"I had to hold it down to make sure he heard me."

"Uh, it was a gentle reminder to watch out for other cars on the road?"

"He does not have a gun."

"I don't know what I would have done."

"Well, we don't have to worry about that, do we?"

"I am not speeding up to catch him."

"No, I'm just making sure no one else tries to pass us unsafely."

"See, he's speeding away. He knows he was a jerk."

"JERK!"

"I do not have road rage."

"No, I don't."

"I have road annoyance."

"That's when I get annoyed at people because they're stupid when they drive."

"Like this guy. Hey, Snailman! Try using the vertical pedal on the right."

"I just wanted to get past him."

"Because he's going too slow."

"I am not speeding."

"I'm just trying to match the speed of the traffic."

"Well, everyone else is too slow. This is the speed they should be going."

"So what if I'm going a few miles over the speed limit?"

"No I'm not. I'm only going -- okay, ten is more than a few."

"There, are you happy?"

"Nonsense. I haven't had a ticket in years."

"The last ticket I had?"

"It was a speeding ticket?"

"What? The last THREE tickets?"

"Hey, look at that old car. Man, I haven't seen one of those in years."

"I'm not changing the subject."

"No, I'm just surprised they still make parts for those things."

"We had one when I was a kid. I didn't think there were any still around."

"I just -- alright, alright, my last three tickets have been speeding tickets."

"But they were spread out over several years."

"Who cares if two were in the same year?"

"I mean, besides the police."

"And besides the insurance company."

"Or the BMV."

"Okay, besides you too."

"Cop? Where?"

"Okay, I see him."

"No, I'm not going a little fast."

"If I was worried about my speed, I'd -- wow, that IS a little. . . uh, car. That's a little car up ahead."

"I mean, it's a little SUV."

"Well, it's pretty small for a Hummer."

"No, I'm not worried."

"I'm slowing down out of courtesy to show my fellow motorists there's a radar trap up ahead."

"I'm doing the speed limit."

"Okay, maybe I was a little over. But just a little."

"Did he follow us?"

"Oh, #&@*! There he is."

"The kids can't hear us. They're watching a DVD with the headphones on."

"What, Buddy?"

"I said shoe. Keep watching your movie."

"No, don't you say shoe. Just watch your movie, Bud."

"Are his headphones back on?"

"Oh sh-- jeez, he's coming up behind us."

"Uh, maybe he wants to thanks me for being such a safe and conscientious driver?"

"As a matter of fact, I do believe most of the stuff I say."

"Alright, alright, I was going a little faster than I should."

"Ha, ha, very funny. We were nowhere near the speed of sound."

"(Because I can still hear you.)"

"Huh? I didn't say anything."

"Whew, there he goes. Guess we're alright."

"No, I'm not worried, because I'm not speeding at all. See? Five miles under."

"Yeah, when my heart slows down a bit, I'll get back up to a normal speed."

"No, that's not speeding."

"You're the one who's worried about being late."

"Well, I can either get there on time or drive slowly."

"Then why didn't you drive?"

"I did not insist on driving."

"Racing to get my keys and jumping into the car before you is not insisting."

"Because I like driving this car."

"Nothing's wrong with my car. I just like a change now and then."

"Because I can take turns way faster in this car."

"I'm kidding!"

"There's the cop. He pulled someone over."

"Hey look, he got that jerk who cut me off earlier."

"HA! JERK!"

"Told you that guy was unsafe. Good thing I'm such a safe driver."

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