Friday, February 27, 2009

Deckers Family, Inc. 2009 Annual Report

Deckers Family, Inc. 2009 Annual Report

Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2009

To: All members of Deckers Family, Inc.
From: President Daddy
RE: Yearly Evaluation Report

Dear Employees of DFI:

Based on a series of miscalculations, scheduling conflicts, and the fact that I can't think of another topic for this week's column, I am pleased to file my Yearly Evaluation Report for the Deckers Family, Inc.

My last report was in May 2008, which not only makes this the second year in a row for filing the report, but I'm even two months ahead of schedule. All things considered, this a dramatic improvement, and a prime indicator of the organization's perseverance and never-say-die attitude.

(Assistant Manager of Daughter Operations, please consult Appendix A for an extensive list of other "never-say" words and phrases.)

This year's report comes on the heels of yet another move for DFI corporate headquarters. After another round of downsizing our corporate tangible assets, including my special leather easy chair, we are now able to fit into a much smaller space. This has saved us both on overhead and storage costs. I am generally pleased with the overall appearance of our new headquarters, although a smaller space means it sometimes becomes easily cluttered. However, this has also made cleanup and maintenance much easier too.

Plus, I miss my chair.

Continuing on this train of thought, the offices of the junior staff continue to be a concern. Regular maintenance is almost nonexistent, and CEO Mommy and I have been forced to conduct weekly evaluations of your offices, and at times, been forced to assist you in cleanup and organization. Last year, I said I may move some of your belongings to the Automotive Storage Unit (ASU) if improvements were not made. As you have seen, that has become necessary, given our smaller footprint. And while the ASU may be full, let me assure you that President Daddy has an uncanny knack for finding space for extra boxes.

One of the features of our new headquarters is both a benefit and a drawback. Since we are renting space in a family headquarters complex, there is no need for Exterior Facilities Management. While this will be a benefit during the hot summer, this marks the first time in nearly 16 years that I have not been able to personally oversee DFI's maintenance. While I appreciate the break from the responsibilities, old habits die hard, and I may consider providing the occasional outsource EFM services to President-Emeritus Deckers to maintain my skill level.

(Special note to President-Emeritus Deckers: this statement does not constitute a forward-looking contractual obligation or a pro bono offer. I will expect the occasional business lunch as payment for the aforementioned services.)

It is CEO Mommy's and my fervent hope that a proposed final move of the family headquarters to a permanent location will not only afford us more space, but will allow me the opportunity to resume the Exterior Facilities Management operations by the fall. We will keep you posted on our progress in this area.

I am pleased to report that our Coordinator of Son Operations has completed his final training, and has been equipped with standard-issue "Big Boy Underpants." It is our hope that he will soon be able to fully manage his overnight responsibilities without direct supervision or intervention.

As I wrote in last year's report, we were saddened by the departure of our two Co-Chiefs of K9 Security Chief Hannah and Chief Macy. At that time, I was hesitant about a possible replacement, and expressed concern that most of your desired candidates did not have the requisite size to serve as Chief of Security.

While DFI often functions like a democracy, I would like to remind all of you that it is not, despite what CEO Mommy says. And so I have grave concerns when the junior staff seems to think that "Daddy's just being Daddy" about certain issues, and my wishes can be dismissed.

I'm speaking specifically about the hiring of Chief Sophie, the five pound maltese-poodle "dog." Personally, I wanted a new chief from the Beagle placement agency, but I was overruled.

As I predicted, Chief Sophie has a bad habit of "leaving evidence" on the kitchen floor, like her predecessors. While I understand that new recruits often have this difficulty, I have, on two separate occasions, stepped in a puddle of said evidence in my socks.

Overall, we have seen some major improvements here at DFI, and I have been very pleased with our company's performance. Please continue to put forth your best efforts, as I know you can, and I look forward to your continued cooperation in keeping Saturdays as the official sleep-in day for President Daddy.

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2 comments:

  1. One of your best yet...Freakin' hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Dave. I appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete

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