Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Are You a Sports Doofus?

ESPN is going all Cracked Magazine on us (with a little link love to my fellow humor writer, Danny Gallagher) with their list of 20 Things That Make You Look Like a Sports Doofus.

While I am guilty of many things, being a sports doofus is not one of them. Sports doofuses (doofi?) will do some pretty dorky things, all in the name of sports doofdom.

Wearing a team jersey with your name on it, wearing baseball pants to play slo-pitch softball, having an intense fantasy sports discussion while attending an actual game, or running in a rainstorm (I would have just said "running" in general, but what do I know?) to name a few.

I just don't do these things. I like sports. I like playing, watching, and occasionally talking about sports. But I don't get into deep philosophical discussions about it, hold forth my opinions about why the team is doing badly and the dozens of highly-paid coaches can't figure out what I already know, or call in to — or even listen to — sports radio.

Sports fan, yes. Sports doofus, no.

But I have to point out #6 on the list: Wearing a sponsor-festooned jersey while riding your bike. I've seen these doofi more and more these days, as these bicyle riding wannabes are whizzing around town. I even commented to my wife about it this weekend.

Dubious behavior: Pedaling around town in a skintight, pro-style bicycle jersey plastered with the names of major European corporations.

Doofus factor: Very high. That steep hill by your house isn't the Pyrenees; the guy in the nearby car doesn't want to hand you a water bottle; riding an extra mile won't strike a decisive blow against cancer; no one is paying you a dime to be out here; no one is about to knock on your door and request a urine sample. Why? Because you are not Lance. Know those silly-looking flame-retardant jackets worn by NASCAR drivers? Imagine wearing the same thing to the grocery store.


Hey, I understand. I used to be a bike racer. I had the jersey, the tight little shorts, the whole works. But I never, EVER wore a jersey with a sponsor on it, unless it was my own sponsor.

That's about as doofus-y (doofy?) as getting an Indianapolis Colts jersey with your name and the number 18 on it. No one believes it, you're one team tattoo away from becoming a stalker, and you just look, well, sad. Yes, you can get a real jersey with a real player's name on it. That's fine, because it shows you're a fan. Also, I've got a Peyton Manning jersey, which means it's okay.

Check out ESPN's list, and let me know if you do any of those things. We don't judge here, we don't cast aspersions on your doofusness. Believe me, there are doofy things I do, just not related to sports.

That's for a whole 'nother blog post.


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