The Three Phases of Parenting
Erik DeckersLaughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003 (published week of November 28th, 2003)
On Wednesdays, rather than rehashing a news story, I reprint one of my old columns. I've got 15 years' worth of the damn things, so there's no point in letting them sit moldering in a box in my garage. At least not the good ones.
I recently became a proud father for the third time, and although I love and adore my new son, I've noticed my standards for obsessive care and compulsive hovering have lowered quite a bit.
I've heard that most new parents will agonize over every little detail about doing what's best for their child, but that they relax significantly after the second and even third child come along.
I've even noticed my own constant worrying and stress has decreased to the point where my blood pressure is nearly normal, and I think my hair is growing back.
And after analyzing the charts and graphs that every new parent keeps, I've discovered a pattern in every facet of child raising.
Names
First Child: Your name was inspired by a woman of royalty. She was loved by millions.
Second Child: Your name was inspired by a beloved member of the family. Everyone loved her.
Third Child: Your name was inspired by my favorite professional wrestler, Hulk Hogan. He could beat the crap out of anybody.
Holding the new baby
First Child: We're the only ones who can hold her.
Second Child: You can hold her, but you have to wash your hands first.
Third Child: Someone please hold this kid for me!
Food and Feeding
First Child: I will feed you only pesticide-free organic foods that I've prepared by hand in a carefully-sanitized kitchen.
Second Child: I will feed you baby foods from a jar that don't have preservatives or additives.
Third Child: Do you want corn dogs or chili dogs for breakfast?
Safety
First Child: Don't run in the house. You could fall and hurt yourself.
Second Child: Don't run with scissors.
Third Child: Don't play with Daddy's good chainsaw.
Toys
First Child: I will give you toys that are fun AND educational.
Second Child: I will give you toys that give you hours of entertainment.
Third Child: How many times do I have to tell you, wear safety goggles when you're using my table saw?!
Sleeping/Naps
First Child: You need to go to bed by 8:30.
Second Child: You need to go to bed by 9:00.
Third Child: It's 11:30, I'm going to bed. Turn the TV off when you're done.
Clothes
First Child: It's a little chilly. Put on your jacket, a hat, gloves, and a scarf.
Second Child: It's a little chilly. Put on a sweater.
Third Child: Did we forget your pants again?
Potty training
First Child: We'll start her potty training when she's two-and-a-half.
Second Child: She'll let us know when she's ready to start potty training.
Third Child: He'll figure it out by the time he gets to high school.
Television watching
First Child: You can watch one hour of educational TV per day.
Second Child: You can watch two hours of regular TV per day.
Third Child: My TV is broken, can I watch yours?
Bathing
First Child: Your baths will be a mixture of sparkling spring water and pasteurized milk with essential oils
Second Child: Your baths will be a mixture of warm water and baby oil
Third Child: We'll hose you off in the backyard twice a week.
Education
First Child: You're going to get the finest education we can provide.
Second Child: You're going to get the finest education we can provide.
Third Child: Go ask your know-it-all sisters.
Music
First Child: Turn that crap down!
Second Child: Turn that crap down!
Third Child: Why can't you listen to something decent, like your sisters do.
Illness
First Child: A temperature of 100?! Rush her to the hospital!
Second Child: A temperature of 100?! Give her some Children's Motrin.
Third Child: A temperature of 100?! I'm not doing anything until he starts projectile vomiting.
Living at home
First Child: You can live here as long as you want.
Second Child: Wouldn't you like to get your own place after college?
Third Child: What are you still doing here?
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