Because I Said So, That's WhyErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from 2002.
"Okay, Honey, it's time for bed."
"Because you're six years old, and it's 9:30. It's already past your bedtime."
"I know you don't feel tired. But you should have been in bed 30 minutes ago."
"Yes, I know you want to play with your new Barbie doll. But she looks a little tired. And so do you. So get moving."
"OW! Sorry, I stepped on one of Barbie's shoes. You need to clean this up tomo—Honey, why doesn't Barbie have any clothes on?"
"No, it's not funny to take Barbie's clothes off. Where's your Ken doll?"
"You didn't take his clothes off, did you?"
"Good. Why don't you keep him in Barbie's Dream House tonight."
"No, you don't have to put naked Barbie in there with him."
"Uhh, just because."
"Because I said so. . . look, why don't you ask Mommy that question in about 10 years or so."
"Okay, climb into bed. Let me tuck you in. Don't forget to say your prayers."
"Amen. No Honey, I don't know what God looks like."
"Yes Honey, He lives in Heaven."
"Yes, Heaven is up."
"Well, the sky is blue because when sunlight hits our atmosphere, the blue light bounces off molecules in the air."
"The atmosphere is like a big invisible blanket over the Earth."
"Yes, invisible like your puppy Bloodhounder."
"No, I don't know what Bloodhounder did today."
"I didn't know that Barbie didn't like Bloodhounder."
"Why would your invisible dog try to eat your plastic Barbie?"
"Well, then why don't you feed him more often?"
"No, you cannot feed him the hamburger in the refrigerator. That's for dinner tomorrow."
"No we can't have pizza for dinner. We just had pizza."
"Because I said so. Look, don't you want to know what the atmosphere is?"
"Yeah, I didn't think it was that interesting either."
"I don't know. You need to go to sleep now."
"No, I'm not going to check your closet for monsters."
"Because there's no such thing as monsters."
"Yes, I know Elmo and Cookie Monster are monsters, but they're friendly monsters. Besides they're just on TV."
"Alright, I'll check. See, there's no monsters in your closet."
"No, they're not in the toy box either. And before you ask, they're not in the clothes hamper or on the shelves."
"Yes, I know I said there's no such thing as monsters. I was just making a point — listen, you need to go to sleep!"
"Why would they be under your bed? Is there even any room under your bed for monsters?"
"Fine. If I check, will you go to sleep?"
"Look, there's nothing under — AAGGHHHHHH, WHAT'S THAT?!"
"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry! No, Honey, stop crying. No, there's no monster under there. I stuck my hand under the bed, and your Tickle Me Elmo doll went off."
"Okay, technically there WAS a monster under the bed. But he's not even the real Elmo Monster, he's just a toy."
"Yes, that's funny. It'll be even funnier when my heart stops pounding."
"Because I just scared myself on your Tickle Me Elmo. Please clean that up tomorrow too."
"No, I can't read you a story. It's time for you to go to sleep. You've got a big day tomorrow."
"Let's see. You've got to play with your sister, play with the dogs, watch Sesame Street, and clean your room."
"I know that's what you do every day. But—"
"I know it's not. I was just saying that so you would go to sleep."
"No, that's not a lie."
"Because it isn't. I would explain it if you didn't have to go to sleep right now."
"We've been through this already. Whether or not you're tired has nothing to do with going to bed at a certain time."
"You can stay up later when you're older."
"I don't know! About 12."
"That's in six years."
"No, I will not read you a story."
"Don't start that. If you keep doing that, a bird will land on it."
"No, not really."
"No, not even an invisible bird."
"Yes, invisible like Bloodhounder."
"You already told me what Bloodhounder did today."
"That's right, with your Barbie."
"No, no more questions. That's enough. It's time for you to go to sleep right now."
"I mean it. No more."
"Your night light is still on."
"Yes, good night. Go to sleep."
"I love you too. See you tomorrow."
"Jeez, you scared me. Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Yes, she just went to bed."
"No, we weren't playing around!"
"I was NOT trying to keep her awake."
"She was — never mind."
"Listen, you need to talk with her tomorrow. She's taking Barbie's clothes off."
"No, I'm not going to talk to her about it."
"Because daddies don't talk about that kind of stuff with their daughters, mommies do."
"I am NOT blushing!"
"No, I'm not!"
"I'm going to read for a while. You should go check for monsters under her bed."
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