Laughing Stalk is a weekly newspaper humor column about current events and personal observations. It's published in ten weekly newspapers and the world's largest online alt newspaper, The American Reporter.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dan Wheldon Post-Indy 500 Press Conference, Part 3
Dan Wheldon Post-Indy 500 Press Conference, part 2
Dan Wheldon Post-Indy 500 Press Conference part 1
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The OFFICIAL Results of the Indianapolis 500
1 - Dan Wheldon - 200 - Running
2 - JR Hildebrand - 200 - Running
3 - Graham Rahal - 200 - Running
4 - Tony Kanaan - 200 - Running
5 - Scott Dixon - 200 - Running (Dixon moved up from 6th)
6 - Oriol Servia - 200 - Running (Servia dropped from 5th)
7 - Bertrand Baguette - 200 - Running
8 - Tomas Scheckter - 200 - Running
9 - Marco Andretti - 200 - Running
10 - Danica Patrick - 200 - Running
11 - Ed Carpenter - 200 - Running
12 - Dario Franchitti - 200 - Running
13 - Charlie Kimball - 199 - Running
14 - Will Power - 199 - Running
15 - Vitor Meira - 199 - Running
16 - Justin Wilson - 199 - Running
17 - Helio Castroneves - 199 - Running
18 - Buddy Rice - 198 - Running
19 - Alex Lloyd - 198 - Running
20 - Pippa Mann - 198 - Running
21 - Ana Beatriz - 197 - Running
22 - John Andretti - 197 - Running
23 - Ryan Hunter-Reay - 197 - Running
24 - Davey Hamilton - 193 - Running
25 - Paul Tracy - 175 - Running
26 - Townsend Bell - 157 - Contact
27 - Ryan Briscoe - 157 - Contact
28 - Alex Tagliani - 147 - Contact
29 - James Hinchcliffe - 99 - Contact
30 - Jay Howard - 60 - Contact
31 - Simona de Silvestro - 44 - Handling
32 - EJ Viso - 27 - Contact
33 - Takuma Sato - 20 - Contact
Press Conference for JR Hildebrand, 2nd Place Finisher of the 2011 Indianapolis 500
There was a question about whether winner Dan Wheldon's victory would stand, and whether the yellow flag came out before or after Wheldon passed Hildebrand's car. The latest I have heard (at 5:47 pm) is that Hildebrand will not contest the results of the race, so Wheldon's victory stands and Hildebrand holds on to the scariest damn finish in 100 years of IndyCar racing.
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Graham Rahal Press Conference after the 100th Indianapolis 500
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IndyCar Officials Reviewing Final Finish, JR Hildebrand May Be Named Winner
Unofficial Finish for the Indianapolis 500
Surprising, Exciting Finish to Indianapolis 500
Helio Castroneves is Tired
Townsend Bell and Ryan Briscoe Make Contact, Hit the Wall
Alex Tagliani Makes Contact With Wall, His Day Ends
Simona de Silvestro Not Done Yet
Rookie James Hinchcliffe Hits the Wall in Turn #3
#88 Jay Howard Hits the Wall Going Into Turn #2
EJ Viso Accident Update, Indianapolis 500 2011
EJ Viso Hits the Wall in Turn #1, Out for the Day
Accidents In First Round of Pits After Takuma Sato Accident
Takuma Sato goes out, Indianapolis 500 2011
My hopes for the Indy 500
- I'm a big Justin Wilson fan. He's always been gracious and willing to talk to me. He's also a hell of a driver, making the switch from Formula 1 a few years ago to IndyCar. If there is anyone outside the 3 big race teams (Penske, Target Ganassi, Andretti Green) who could win this thing, he's my pick. He's also the one I'm hoping wins this whole thing.
- I think it's more likely that it will be one of the racers from the Big 3 who are most likely to win. They have the most money, the best resources, and their drivers are full-time drivers. Most of these people are one-off drivers who make this the only race of the year. Townsend Bell races in exactly one race a year: this one. The other 364 days he spends thinking about the 500. If I had to pick one to win it, I would say Helio Castroneves, Dario Franchitti, or Scott Dixon have the best chance. They've all won before, and their teams are the best out here.
- I'm now a Simona de Silvestro fan. People cannot stop talking about her. Last Thursday, about 10 days ago, Simona was in a horrible crash that resulted in second degree burns on her hands. She took Friday off, and got back in the car and qualified 24th. The last time I got in a car accident, I was scared shitless for a week, and drove carefully and timidly. Simona kicked her fear in the balls, and went 224.392 miles per hour less than 48 hours after she flipped her car and nearly caught fire. If anyone has a chance of replacing Danica Patrick as IndyCar's sweetheart, it's Simona. She could become even more important to the sport if Danica really does go to NASCAR (the taxi cab circuit) next year.
- I'm also a Bertrand Baguette fan. This is his 2nd 500, and I think he may be the only Belgian to drive in back-to-back 500.s Everyone's going on and on about how we have 4 women in the race again this year — Ana Beatriz, Pippa Mann, de Silvestro, and Danica Patrick. But no one is talking about this historic event. I'd love to see him do well, finishing the race and getting a high place.
Morning at the Indianapolis 500
Friday, May 27, 2011
Final results from Firestone Indy Lights Freedom 100
These are the final results from the Firestone Indy Lights race on Friday, May 27, courtesy of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and IndyCar.
INDIANAPOLIS - Results Friday of the Firestone Freedom 100 Firestone Indy Lights event on the 2.5 mile Indianapolis Motor Speedway, with order of finish, starting position in parentheses, driver, laps complete and reason out (if any):
1. (2) Josef Newgarden, 40, Running
2. (5) Esteban Guerrieri, 40, Running
3. (4) Victor Garcia, 40, Running
4. (3) Stefan Wilson, 40, Running
5. (1) Bryan Clauson, 40, Running
6. (6) Peter Dempsey, 40, Running
7. (16) Rusty Mitchell, 40, Running
8. (9) David Ostella, 40, Running
9. (17) Chase Austin, 40, Running
10. (7) Mikael Grenier, 40, Running
11. (10) Jorge Goncalvez, 34, Contact
12. (8) Anders Krohn, 34, Contact
13. (14) Duarte Ferreira, 29, Contact
14. (18) Brandon Wagner, 28, Contact
15. (12) Gustavo Yacaman, 20, Contact
16. (15) Juan Pablo Garcia, 20, Contact
17. (11) James Winslow, 20, Contact
18. (13) Victor Carbone, 7, Contact
Race Statistics
Winner's Average Speed: 107.817
Time of Race: 55:38.9881
Margin of victory: Under caution
Cautions: 4 for 22 laps
Lead changes: 6 among 4 drivers
Lap Leaders: Newgarden 1-2, Wilson 3, Newgarden 4, Krohn 5-11, Newgarden 12, Guerrieri 13-14, Newgarden 15-40.
Point Standings: Newgarden 149, Guerrieri 125, V. Garcia 121, Wilson 121, Dempsey 111, Conor Daly 109, Grenier 102, Ostella 95, Krohn 94, Goncalvez 90.
Justin Wilson interview, Indianapolis 500 Media Day 2011
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Tomas Scheckter interview, Indianapolis 500 Media Day 2011
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Interview with Belgian IndyCar driver Bertrand Baguette, Media Day Indianapolis 500 2011
But everyone is making such a big deal about having four women in the 500 again, that no one is saying a word about what may be a world's first.
I spoke with Bertrand about his sponsor, the Belgian Federation, the Best Chocolate in Town here in Indy, and the Brugge Brasserie, a Belgian restaurant here in Broad Ripple.
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Florida Man Sues Winn-Dixie Because Roses Have Thorns
Florida Man Sues Winn-Dixie Because Roses Have Thorns
In spite of, or maybe because of, that intolerable "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" song by Poison, everyone pretty much knows that, well, every rose has thorns.Every single rose. There is not a thornless rose that has occurred in nature ever since the first caveman decided he he would give his cavewife something nice on the anniversary of the day he clubbed her on the head and dragged her back to his cave.
There have even been other songs about roses and thorns and their inherent danger, like Linda Rondstadt's "Love is a Rose" — "Love is a rose, but you'd better not pick it // Only grows when it's on the vine // Handful of thorns, and you know you missed it // Lose your love when you say the word 'mine.'"
Even Shakespeare had something to say on the subject: "A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, and hurteth like hell if thou fails to watch it."
Apparently Charles Imwalle of Lake Mary, Florida wasn't into Poison, Linda Rondstadt, or Shakespeare, because he pricked his finger on a rose thorn, and it got infected.
His finger, not the thorn.
According to a story by United Press International, Imwalle says he "suffered pain, disfigurement, medical bills and lost wages after pricking his finger."
(If he were alive today, George Carlin would be all over this story.)
So there's no real surprise that Imwalle is suing Winn-Dixie and Passion Growers LLC for $15,000 for a thorn-laden rose he bought at a Winn-Dixie this past February. Imwalle apparently said he cut his finger on the faulty rose, and blamed both the store and the grower for neglectfully failing to remove the things that grow their naturally. He also says that Winn-Dixie did not use an anti-bacterial solution in the display buckets
His claim? If Passion Growers had removed the thorn, he wouldn't have pricked his finger, and there would have been no infection.
Common Sense's claim? Check the damn rose for thorns first!
Nature is not like one of those animal petting zoos where high school kids follow the goats around and sweep up goat doots so people aren't reminded of the fact that nature is dirty and makes doots on the ground. Nature is a bitch, and will poke you in the eye with a sharp stick if you make her mad. Or prick you on the finger if you forget that roses have thorns and just start grabbing them willy-nilly out of buckets in supermarkets.
But Sam Ferrara, founder of Passion Growers said his company has sterilized all its flowers for the past 20 years. "We've never, never had anything like this where anyone has gotten an infection from a thorn prick."
And who buys roses at supermarkets? I'll admit that my local grocery store actually has a nice floral display, but buying your roses at the same place you buy light bulbs and Cheese Doodles has all the emotional depth of regifting greeting cards.
But I think the most important question to ask is, dude, don't you wash your hands?
When I was a kid, I learned that if you got a cut or a scrape, you sterilized it immediately. That's how you kept from getting an infection. Wash with soap and water or squirt some Bactine on it, slap a Band-Aid on it, and you were good to go.
And when I was a kid, our parents didn't smother us like a emotionally-stultifying blanket either, so we were all covered in bacteria most days. A simple hand washing saved us from everything from splinters to major cuts, so I have to wonder if Imwalle actually washed his hands or used anti-bacterial hand gel any time after he pricked his finger. The suit says that Imwalle's hand swelled up to triple its size within 24 hours, which is fast, but even so, wouldn't it make sense to wash your hands after an injury?
Imwalle is also a fishing guide in Florida, which means he has probably had his hands on some pretty nasty, slimy stuff. Who's to say Imwalle didn't get infected baiting a hook or grabbing a contaminated fish?
Nature doesn't like people messing with it, and it will go after any one of us, even if we didn't do anything. She's like a ninja, with a deep-seated hatred of most people, and she will poke, jab, pinch, bite, or eat us whenever it can. Even with supermarket roses.
Good thing he wasn't buying a cactus.
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Tony Kanaan on Danica Patrick's Possible Departure to NASCAR
I was in his interview booth when another reporter asked Tony what he thought Danica's possible departure to NASCAR would mean to IndyCar.
While most of IndyCar is pretty sure Danica is going to be driving the "taxi cab circuit" next year, I was surprised by Tony's referring to her in the past tense a couple of times. He did say what was on everyone else's mind — that everyone is expecting her to go — but I thought it was interesting that he did it, since he may have a little more insight into what's going on with Danica's plans for next year.
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Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sam Schmidt & Alex Tagliani, Qualification Day #1 press conference, Indy 500 2011
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Scott Dixon, Qualification Day #1 press conference, Indy 500 2011
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Townsend Bell, Qualification Day #1 press conference, Indy 500 2011
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Oriol Servia, Qualification Day #1 press conference, Indy 500 2011
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Dan Wheldon, Qualification Day #1 press conference, Indy 500 2011
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Simona de Silvestro press conference, Pole Day, Indianapolis 500 2011
Simona de Silvestro's press conference after she qualified #24 on Pole Day. The rains came right after she finished, and they managed to stick around long enough to prevent any other qualification attempts, so she sits safely at 24th. Tomorrow, drivers are competing for the remaining 9 spots. Simona impressed an awful lot of people after climbing back into the car, just 2 days — less than 48 hours — after crashing into an outside wall, getting airborne, and flipping, suffering 2nd degree burns on her hands. She got back in the car and qualified at 224.392 mph.
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Buddy Rice & Will Power, Qualification Day #1 press conference, Indy 500 2011
Press conference with Buddy Rice and Will Power after Tom Carnegie Day/Pole Day for the Indianapolis 500 2011. Buddy is on one of the "one-off" teams that does not race a full season.
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Simona de Silvestro interview, Qualification Day #1, Indianapolis 500, 2011
I had a chance to interview Simone de Silvestro (@simdesilvestro) after her press conference. She qualified 24th today, and because the rain put a halt to all other qualification attempts, she is sitting in 24th, and cannot be bumped. I've been really impressed with de Silvestro getting back out into the car just two days after a fiery crash that saw her hit an outside wall, got airborne, flipped, and suffered second degree burns to her hands. If that had happened to most people, me included, I wouldn't get near a car for weeks, let alone climb back into one so I can go 224 mph. She's one of my new favorite drivers this year, just because of the intestinal fortitude it takes to get back on the horse after a fall.
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Friday, May 20, 2011
A One-Sided Conversation About Music
A One-Sided Conversation About Music
"Why aren't you kids practicing your instruments?""I don't care if the new Batman is on, you're supposed to practice your music for 30 minutes a day. Now let's go."
"Do you want to practice for an hour instead?"
"Alright then, get moving."
"What? How is making them practice more going to make them not want to practice? They already don't want to practice. This isn't going to make it worse."
"Fine. Okay kids, if you don't practice today, I'm not going to let you practice tomorrow."
"What? You wanted to motivate them and make them want to practice."
"So what privilege should I take away from them?"
"Wait, wait, I got it. Kids, if you don't practice, you can't eat your vegetables for dinner.
""
"What?!"
"There's no pleasing you sometimes."
"Okay, let's try this. Kids, the reason we want you to practice your instruments is because we want everyone in our family to study music at some point in their lives. Two of you are learning to play the guitar, and Sweetie, you're doing great on your drums. And I think you will all learn to enjoy music as you get better. But you're never going to get any good at it if you don't practice every single day."
"Yes, Buddy, Jimi Hendrix practiced every day."
"A few hours at least."
"Yes, per day."
"Yes, every day."
"Well, how else was he going to get so good? He certainly didn't do it practicing 30 minutes a day after his father nagged him to do it."
"Yes, Sweetie, Neil Pert practiced several hours a day too. That's why he's such an awesome drummer."
"I know you don't have a drum set. But if you keep practicing and show that you're dedicated to it, we'll see if we can get one for your birthday."
"So go upstairs and practice. I'll see you in 30 minutes. Buddy, work on your Jimi Hendrix song. I want to hear you play it when you're done."
"Yeah, I know you have to go through this every day."
"No, they're not going to practice without being told."
"For ever."
"Because they're kids."
"Because kids never do what they're supposed to, only what they want to."
"Because NO kid ever does what they're supposed to. They're kids. They're giant bags of spontaneity with poor impulse control."
"That's because you weren't a normal kid."
"No, I was a normal kid. I never wanted to do what I was supposed to, I only wanted to do what was fun. Practicing my guitar wasn't fun, so I didn't do it when I was supposed to."
"Easy, like this: 'yes, I practiced my guitar.'"
"No, I wasn't."
"Okay, technically, I guess it WAS lying."
"Well, they were at work when I was supposed to practice, and I would practice every other day to make sure I wasn't lying all the time."
"They made me quit when they saw that I wasn't getting any better. No point in spending money on lessons when I'm not going to do what it takes to get any good."
"Six months."
"That's why we need to keep nagging them to practice, because they're more like me than they are you. They're not going to start practicing on a regular basis until they really start to get good and realize how much they enjoy being that good at it."
"In the meantime, we just have to nag them until they get to that point."
"Four, eight, and 10 years."
"Because they'll be in college and we won't have to worry about it anymore."
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Friday, May 13, 2011
Our First Upside Down Tomato Garden
Our First Upside Down Tomato Garden
Finally, after 43 years, I'm getting my own vegetable garden.Well, not really a vegetable garden. More like a vegetable pot. And it's not really mine. My wife did it.
But it's on my back porch, and I can look outside and see tomato plants growing in it, as it hangs from a bird feeder pole. So for lack of a better word, I have a vegetable garden.
It's actually based on the upside down tomato planters you've seen on TV. It's a small 3-gallon plastic bucket with four holes drilled in the bottom and it's filled with dirt. The tomato plants are placed in the holes, and will grow upside down so the tomatoes can hang like apples.
Frankly, I don't know why the tomatoes should grow upside down, or what benefit that would be, but that's what they did on the commercial. It's not like one of those exercise machine commercials that show people herniating a disc in their back whenever they do an "old-fashioned situp." There's supposed to be some kind of benefit to upside down tomatoes, but I'm usually flipping stations to quickly to pay attention.
Sure, picking the tomatoes would be a lot easier if the plants were hanging at shoulder height, but it's not like you're farming 200 acres of land by hand, working 12 hours a day in the fields. It's a freaking bucket of tomato plants, and if you're going to hurt yourself picking a tomato, then you need to start exercising more.
But I'm hoping these tomatoes will be big and plentiful, and that we can grow them by the sackful, like when I was a kid.
I grew up in the '70s in Indiana, back when it was more fashionable to grow your own vegetables. The hippies had all settled down, and were now accountants and insurance brokers. They were also growing different forms of organic matter these days, and took great pride in their vegetable gardens. While we didn't have any hippies in Indiana, I think some of my parents' friends had spent time with them at a weekend conference or something, because they were all about the wonders of nature, growing your own food, and fondue parties.
My parents, despite being the furthest thing from hippies you could get and still not be a Republican, had their own vegetable garden. Every year, my parents would till up the soil with a roto-tiller. Every year, they would plant corn, tomatoes, green beans, and zucchini. And every year, despite his best efforts, my dad would get infected with poison ivy, which would see him bed-ridden, nearly sobbing at times from the pain and itching of the rash.
But it was all worth it in the fall, when we had sackloads of our own vegetables, some of which we ate, and some of which we shared with friends. Since ours was a fairly large garden, there were always sackloads of vegetables to share with people from my parents' offices at the university.
The problem was, a lot of their co-workers were also not-quite-hippies themselves, so there were sacks of vegetables being handed around like some homegrown vegetable swap meet. My dad would leave with a sackload of tomatoes and zucchini and come home with two sacks of green beans and a watermelon.
It grew to be a little farmer's market in the psychology department each fall, although I think some people weren't growing their own vegetables, but instead would regift the vegetables they had received from everyone else.
So now we have our own vegetables, despite 16 years of non-starter vegetable gardens at my house, although not because I didn't want one.
One year, I built a garden box on the side of the house, went to the hardware store and picked the last set of tomato plants they had. I planted them, watered them, and cared for them. And when the first blossoms began to show, I staked the plants in preparation for the fiery tomato explosion that would shower us with tomatoes in a couple months.
I brought my wife outside and proudly displayed my efforts. "Look, I planted my first tomato plants. In a few months, we'll be able to eat the bountiful harvest that I have created. You may have to start calling me Johnny Tomatoseed."
She bent down and carefully examined my handiwork.
"I don't think you're going to want to eat these," she said.
"Why not? Those are going to be awesome tomatoes."
"Guess again, Johnny Tomatoseed," she said, standing up and brushing off her hands. "Those are marigolds."
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Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, May 06, 2011
How a Chicago Mocha Changed My Life
How a Chicago Mocha Changed My Life
Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting this column from 1998, several years before he became a coffee snob, and before Starbucks threatened to dominate the globe.I'm not a real coffee drinker. I don't like coffee, unless I load it down with all kinds of sugar, cream, and little umbrellas, the kind you get in tropical drinks that come in hollowed out pineapples.
"How can you call yourself a journalist if you don't drink coffee?" you're probably saying.
Actually, I don't call myself a journalist. I'm a humorist. And humorists drink stuff with silly names, like Sarsparilla, Harvey Wallbangers, or Beer.
I don't know why I don't like coffee. I just don't. I've tried it before, but always thought it tasted like smoky, muddy water. I would much rather drink tea, beer, water, milk, Tang, sea water with a dead fish in it, or real smoky, muddy water.
My wife keeps telling me I'm not a real adult until I drink coffee. This is fine with me, since I like being a fake adult anyway. However, I decided to try coffee one day while we were in Chicago.
My wife and I were walking along, and it was a little chilly. Down the street, there was a little Starbucks coffee shop. For those of you who aren't familiar with Starbucks, let me offer a hearty welcome out from under your rock.
Starbucks is a large coffee shop chain with trendy little coffee shops all over the US, parts of Canada, and even on some remote South Pacific islands. Starbucks sells coffee like McDonald's sells cheap plastic Disney movie crap for your kids. The only difference is you don't step on a cup of Starbucks coffee as you're walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (If you do, you have a serious addiction.)
My wife has a keen eyesight, and can spot things, like Starbucks coffee shops, that even an eagle would be hard-pressed to see. Before I even saw the place, she started dropping hints:
My wife: Boy, it sure is cold out today. Are you cold? I'm cold.
Me: No, it's only 50 degrees, so I'm pretty warm. Besides, you're wearing your giant Eskimo parka, and I've got my arm around you. Isn't that enough?
My wife: Oh sure, that's nice, I guess. But I'd like a cup of coffee. If we find a coffee place, can we stop for a minute?
Me: Sure, if we find one.
Five seconds later...
My wife: There's a Starbucks!
Me: Damn!
When we got to the store, it didn't matter how much I protested. Even saying that people would only laugh at me, not because of me, didn't deter her. I was going into that shop whether I wanted to or not.
When we got in, we were greeted by a barista. "What do you do?" I asked, naively.
"Oh, I'm here to help the customer decide which of our many types of coffee he or she should drink at that particular moment," she said in a verbal blur. "Excuse me a minute? I need another fix." She raced off, screaming that there were ants all over her.
"That's okay," said my wife. "I've been to these places enough, I know just what you need." She ordered a mocha for me, and got a skinny half-caffe decaf double latte for herself.
"Huh?" I stared at her blankly. "I only understood the word 'double' in that last sentence, and I don't think it means what I think it means."
After watching a crew of other baristas carefully handcraft our coffee in a machine that hissed like a thousand tires were losing air, they handed me a paper cup with a little sleeve on it.
"What's this?" I asked. "I thought coffee came in those huge swimming pool-sized cups."
"No, you don't get those until you have a little more experience," said my wife. "This is for novices. Now drink your mocha."
I hesitated. Could I betray my non-coffee lifestyle after all these years? I looked around the full coffee shop, feeling thirty pairs of bloodshot eyes staring eagerly at me, beckoning me to the dark side.
I took a sip from my little cup.
There it was. My first drink of mocha. I had done it. I had crossed the infamous "coffee line." The room started to spin, and I felt the urge to put on a black beret and discuss existentialism and recite weird poetry.
I looked at my wife with a big goofy grin. "Man, I feel great! This coffee stuff is pretty good. It's kind of sweet too. Hey, let's talk about art and the decline of society in a post-industrial society."
"Take it easy, Johnny Java," she said. "That was only the whipped cream on top."
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