Friday, April 06, 2012

A One-Sided Conversation: Christmas Photos Ruin Christmas Spirit

Christmas Photos Ruin Christmas Spirit

"Sit there with your mother, kids. It's time for Christmas card pictures."

"Yes, it's August, but I figure it will take us three months to get this right."

"Buddy, quit wiggling. Sit up straight."

"Wait, the camera was in sleep mode."

"Okay, hold on, let me set the timer."

"Buddy, sit up. Quit laying on your sisters."

"Because no one wants to see you flopped over at Christmas. You sit here in the middle, and quit flopping on everyone."

"Sweetie, why aren't you wearing your sweater? Don't wear that shirt."

"No, Star Wars does not celebrate the meaning of Christm—Honey, shut off your iPod and take out your earbuds."

"No, Sweetie, your basketball shirt doesn't either."

"Why can't you just put on the Christmas sweaters everyone else is wearing?"

"It's not hot in here!"

"Because I cranked up the AC. No one should be hot."

"Because you guys are stressing me out."

"Sweetie, put on your sweater."

"Okay, let me set the — dammit, it's in sleep mode again."

"Hold on. Nobody move. I've just got to set the timer."

"Wait, I can't find it."

"Yes, I've read the directions. It's just been a while since I've used the timer."

"Because you don't use the timer on action shots. I take photos of things that are happening right at the spur of the moment. Real photographers don't do timers."

"I am too!"

"Because I have a photojournalist's vest and my camera has a removable lens."

"Found it. Okay, are you guys ready?"

"Honey, don't text during picture time."

"Because it's Christmas."

"Yes, I know it's August. Pretend it's Christmas so we can all get in the Christmas spirit."

"Sweetie, put your stuffed dinosaur down. He can't be in the picture."

"No, they weren't in the nativity."

"I don't care what Aunt Martha said. Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago, not thousands."

"Buddy, sit up! Honey, put your phone away. "

"What? I am in the Christmas spirit."

"I'm just trying to take a happy picture of a happy family, and I can't get the kids to cooperate."

"I am happy. See, I'm smiling."

"I am not constipated."

"I've got my sweater on, I've got Jingle Bells playing in my head, and I've already decided what to get you for Christmas."

"Now, let's get this — dammit, sleep mode!"

"Alright, I'm setting it. No dinosaurs, no cell phones, and everyone is sitting up straight. Ten seconds from. . . NOW."

"Slide over, Sweetie."

"Buddy, sit up!"

"Honey, can you go without your cell phone for 10 seconds?"

"Okay, here we go, everyone smile!"


"Let me see how it looked."

"Hold on, you blinked, Dear."

"Let's do it again."

"There's a two second timer, but I'm pretty sure our friends and family don't want to see my butt for Christmas."

"I've never done that!"

"That was a complete accident. She shouldn't have been looking in the front door."

"Okay, one more try. Ten seconds starting. . . give me that freaking phone! Give me that stupid dinosaur, and if you don't sit up, dude, I'm going to hang you upside down by your ankles for this picture. Now everyone cut it out and straighten up so we can get this stupid thing done and get back to our summer!"

"Because this is a happy family occasion! Now everyone get in the Christmas spirit, before I get pissed!"

"Here we go. Ten seconds."

"I'm not being a grinch, I'm just trying to — *click* — DAMMIT!"

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