It's been a crazy two years, but the 2012 presidential campaign is now over, much to the relief of everyone in the country with the possible exception of political operatives and TV station owners in battleground states.
Everyone already knows what happened, despite Karl Rove's best attempts to derail Fox News calling the Ohio results, and the subsequent on-air dope slap by Megyn Kelly, there were a few things you may not have heard about on Tuesday night.
While we watched President Obama become the president again, he managed to do it at all without Florida. Despite their best efforts to be relevant this year, Florida instead came off like a beauty pageant mom reminding everyone how she had been a pageant queen herself.
First, it was the voting — the last votes were cast at 1:30 am, long after Mitt Romney had delivered his concession speech. People waiting in line already knew the result, and so had no reason to vote.
Not that it mattered. Miami-Dade vote counters went home sometime around midnight, saying they were tired and didn't want to count anymore.
That's okay, the rest of the country is waiting for your results to see who the next president is, but, you know, whatever. You do what you want. We'll wait. No, really, go ahead. Yeah, none of the rest of the country got up at 4 a.m. to — No! No! You know what? That's bush league! That's total BS! The rest of this country has been up for the last 16 hours getting their stuff done, and you guys can't be bothered to count because you're a wittle sweepy?
Rhode Island has been here since 4:30 this morning, setting up chairs and making sure there were plenty of paper towels. Virginia stayed and counted until 2:00 in the morning. And Indiana got all their work done so they were finished by 8:00. Did this day catch you by surprise or something?
Finally, 48 hours after it all began, the votes were all counted, Obama won Florida, and the Romney campaign had to make another concession statement to the press, even though it interrupted their cupcake farewell party.
In stoner news, voters in Colorado and Washington said "wow, yeah, man" to recreational marijuana use, and then asked if you had ever really looked at your thumb.
Colorado and Washington became the first states to break the recreational marijuana prohibition, making it legal for anyone over 21 to possess up to an ounce of pot. In Colorado, people will be able to grow up to six plants for personal use, while in Washington, users will have to buy their weed from state-licensed providers.
These new developments have given rise to new ways of thinking for each state. For example, for their new state song, Colorado has selected Cheech and Chong's "Dave's Not Here." Meanwhile, Washington has declared their official state snack to be Cool Ranch Doritos.
In sore loser news, entertainment and real estate buffoon Donald Trump called for a revolution after Obama's victory, convinced that an angry uprising — a revolution, he said — in our nation's capital was the solution to a democratic election that didn't go his way.
"He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!" read one of Trump's tweets. Trump later deleted that tweet after Obama finally did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes.
And also forgetting that the same thing happened 12 years ago. And 124 years ago. And 136 years ago. And 188 years ago.
Also, his call for revolution was pretty drastic. If he had been a Democrat, you can be sure that Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity would have called him treasonous. But Trump figured deleting his tweets meant they never really happened, like a little kid hides his eyes to hide from his parents.
Of course, when you realize he thinks his hair style actually hides his baldness, that actually makes sense.
"Lets (sic) fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us," said another tweet.
No, they're only laughing at you, Donald. Of course, that's not a new state of affairs, since you've been a joke ever since you burst onto the public scene, like a pimple of pomposity.
This year will long be remembered as an important election year, showing that billionaires' money could not buy an election. That voter suppression and disenfranchisement could not keep voters from exercising their right. And that no matter how angry politics seems to make most people, there's still plenty of humor to be found in them too.
After all, the only problem with political jokes is that many of them get elected.
The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), is now available. I wrote it with my good friend, Kyle Lacy.
My other book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing is also out.
You can get both of them from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million in October, or for the Kindle or Nook.
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