A disturbing trend of male-ness is growing in this country, one that threatens to overwhelm all other forms of maledom, like a rampant fungus.
We met Metrosexuals in the mid-90s, learned that Real Men Don't Eat Quiche in the early '80s, while Manly Men made a comeback in the early 2010s, mostly as a backlash against the Sensitive Man who became popular in the 90s. And the well-heeled Gentleman makes a quiet appearance any time there's a new James Bond movie, or suits make yet another comeback.
But the Schlub has always just sort of been there. The boring, bland suburbanite with all the excitement and verve of an oyster.
Which are you, a Guy, a Gentleman, or a Schlub? Take this easy quiz and find out.
1. It's time to buy a new car. You've done your research, talked to your friends, and test driven a few likely candidates. What are you going to buy?
a) A pickup truck with 4-wheel drive and all-terrain tires.
b) A high-performance sports car, preferably European.
c) A mini-van for your wife, and you'll get her old one as a hand-me-down.
2. A man's home should be a reflection of his taste, but should also blend with his wife's or partner's preferences. What does your home look like?
a) Traditional colors, hardwood floors, and high-quality furniture. Comfort rules.
b) Modern design, sleek lines, white carpet. Form over function.
c) Isn't the ivy wallpaper pretty? My wife picked it out. She decorated everything in here.
3. A man's home may be his castle, but the garage is the one space he can truly call his own. It's where he goes when he wants to be alone, to putter, to tinker, to think. What do you keep in your garage?
a) All my tools and fishing gear, plus sports equipment from bygone days. Also, the recliner I can't bring in the house.
b) My high-performance European sports car, plus a tool kit I got as a gag gift.
c) My wife's doll collection. She even decorated the garage.
4. It's the weekend, and you and your family want to spend some quality time together, so you're going out to dinner. Where do you go?
a) To that new pizza place you've heard good things about.
b) Drop the kids at the in-laws and go out for French or sushi.
c) But the kids had Chuck-E-Cheese last week. Do we have to go there again? Fine, but I get to drive the new car.
5. Since it's dinner out with your family, you can wear your favorite outfit. What do you pick?
a) Favorite jeans, a t-shirt from your favorite band or sports team, and a baseball cap. And since you're at a restaurant, the hat is facing forward.
b) It's after 6:00 pm. Expensive slacks, dress shirt, and a sport coat. What am I, a farmer?
c) Your favorite vacation and weekend outfit: Baggy knee-length shorts and a short-sleeve button-down plaid shirt, plus your phone on your belt, and a Bluetooth headset in your ear to look cool.
6. The waitress comes to your table and asks you what you want to drink. You ask for:
a) A beer list. You pay particular attention to the local microbrews.
b) The sommelier's recommendation with tonight's special.
c) Regular Coke with a lemon, because it's the weekend, and you deserve to splurge a little. But tomorrow it's back to bottled water.
7. You're having a dinner party with some friends you don't see very often. Who do you invite?
a) Frat brothers from college, Moose, Wolfie, and Thumbs, and their wives.
b) Scintillating conversationalists from the arts, business, and the local university.
c) Some women your wife knows from her Mommy and Me group, and their families.
8. What are your favorite shoes to wear when you're just going out to run a few errands or hang out on the weekends?
a) Hiking boots.
b) Cole-Haan or Armani loafers.
c) Whatever your wife bought on sale at Kohls.
9. It's family movie night. What kind of movie do you choose?
a) It's a toss-up between a comedy and a superhero movie.
b) An art film that will expand everyone's horizons and teach them to appreciate other cultures.
c) Trick question. Every guy with kids becomes a schlub on family movie night. It's all Disney all the time.
How did you do? Give yourself 1 point for every A, 2 for every B, and 3 for every C. If you scored 10 – 16, you're a Guy, a real man's man. 17 - 23 points, a Gentleman through and through. 24 - 30, Schlub city.
The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), and my other book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing are both available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.
Like this post? Leave a comment or Stumble it.