Friday, October 18, 2013

Press Releases and Perennial Rivalries

(Kansas City, MO)—The Rose and Crown Nursery, Kansas City's leading garden center, is pleased to announce the arrival of their brand new, never-before-seen heirloom tulip species, the Tulipa Mendacem, just in time for the fall planting season.

"We're very excited about Tulipa Mendacem," said Adelia Blanda, owner of the Rose and Crown. "This is a very special flower we helped develop over the last four years, and we're introducing it to the world this week."

Blanda says the new tulips promise to be brighter and more vibrant than any others available in the greater Kansas City area.

(Kansas City, KS)—Thea's Tulips, Kansas City's number one garden center, today announced the arrival of their new species of tulips, Tulipa Dolus, making them the first ever nursery in the United States to create their own species.

Miriam Dumalis, owner of Thea's Tulips, said, "Regardless of what you've heard in local gardening news, we have developed the first and only new species of tulips in the last 23 years. We worked closely with leading botanists from Cornell University to develop Tulipa Dolus, and they have assured us that no one else is even close to creating another species."

According to Dumalis, the Tulipa Dolus has been in development for five years.

(Kansas City, MO)—The Rose and Crown Nursery, which has been voted metro Kansas City's best garden center for the last eight years, continues to correct erroneous propaganda about their new Tulipa Mendacem.

"I don't know what kind of cow fertilizer other people are spreading, said Adelia Blanda. "We have been working with Dutch botanists from Leiden University on our new flower, although our original research started in our own labs six years ago."

Blanda has consulted an intellectual property attorney, and is considering legal action against any fraudsters and con artists who try to pass off ordinary tulip bulbs as a new species.

(Kansas City, KS)—Thea's Tulips, which carries more roses, orchids, and lilies than any nursery in the metro Kansas area, says they can provide documented proof that they began their initial tulip breeding research seven years, eight months, and 26 days ago.

"Any claims by other so-called garden centers to have a new tulip species must be sniffing their own non-organic chemical fertilizer," said Miriam Dumalis, owner of Thea's Tulips for the last 19 highly profitable years.

Dumalis said they have applied for a patent on the Tulipa Dolus and have already secured a place of honor at Holland's Tulip Time Festival next May.

(Kansas City, MO)—The Rose and Crown Nursery, champion of the Twin Cities' Arbor Day Softball Tournament, says that just because a nursery carries a lot of different flowers and plants doesn't mean they're able to sell them all before the season ends.

"There are some garden centers whose compost is a lovely smell of roses, orchids, and lilies," said Adelia Blanda, award-winning owner and designer of Thea's Tulips, which she inherited from her mother Thea 23 years ago. "We're actually going to skip Holland's festival next year, because it's too small. Instead, our new species will be the featured flower at the world's largest tulip festival, the Canadian Tulip Festival in Gatineau, Quebec."

(Kansas City, KS)—Thea's Tulips, which doesn't give a hoot about softball because they prefer a more genteel pastime, instead spends its days working with elite clientele who, if KCMO were on fire, would not cross the river to spit on it.

"There may be plants and flowers available on that side of the river," said Miriam Dumalis, who worked hard for everything she has and was never given her business on a silver platter. "But that doesn't mean they're any good. I can't tell you how many Rose and Crown customers have asked us, begged us, to haul away their dead plants two weeks after being planted by Rose and Crown's so-called 'gardeners,' who must have been drunk when they were planting."

(Kansas City, MO)—The Rose and Crown Nursery thinks Thea's Tulips is a haggard old witch who grinds up its customers and sells them as badger repellent. Like everything else they sell, the badger repellent clearly doesn't work, since Thea's staff continues to show up at work every day.

"Seriously, there are stories about customers who go in to complain about their constantly-dying flowers, and are never heard from again," said one source who wished to remain anonymous because she was in fear for her life.

(Kansas City, KS)—Harpy.

(Kansas City, MO)—Shrew.

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