Friday, November 15, 2013

Evil Henchmen To Strike, Issue Demands

Dear Dr. Sinestro:

Due to the unwillingness of management to meet our reasonable demands, or to engage in rational, non-violent discussion that does not involve lasers, the minions of the Sinestro company have no choice but to organize a strike which will begin at exactly 12:00 midnight, Monday, December 2, 2013, and continue until we can reach a reasonable agreement on several core issues.

The strike is being organized by, and will have the full support of, the Amalgamated Union of Minions, Lackeys, and Henchmen, Local 287. We have also been offered assistance by the International Federation of Gun Molls, the Alliance of Sidekicks and Junior Partners, and the Brotherhood of Locomotive Engineers. Our minions have received strike kits, and we will receive strike pay to replace our already-meager salaries — one of our core issues.

We have also taken the regretful, but very necessary step of filing charges of unfair labor practices with the California Labor Board. While our original filing, and the CLB office building, seem to have been devoured by a giant mutant platypus, the case was already entered electronically, and one of their many branch offices will handle the matter. We have been asked by the CLB not to disclose which one until the surviving members of the panel convene to hear our charges.

State labor regulations stipulate that, as a result of our filing, management may not hire replacement minions while the case is being decided. We believe this is a necessary step to take, and that management will realize that we are indispensable to the day-to-day running of Sinestro Corp, and its subsidiary, Facebook.

In the past, our demands have been met with dismissive replies of "BAH!" and "Dr. Sinestro has no need of labor negotiations." Two weeks ago, management even ejected Minion 29164 (aka Ken Sanderson) into the lava pit.

We also strenuously object to management’s ham-fisted reliance on using attack badgers during staff performance reviews, spraying workers with zombie gas to mitigate inter-departmental conflicts, and the use of Minions as human shields while management makes yet another last-minute escape from the Guardians, the Scarlet Paladin, or Captain Liberty.

For the duration of our strike, we will picket the Sinestro Secret Headquarters at 2317 Oak Street (across from the In-N-Out Burger), until the following demands are met:

  • Increased uniform allowance by 30%.
  • Improved safety gear, including laser glare-reducing goggles.
  • Paid holidays off, plus a free day for birthdays.
  • Remove all laser piranha from the 3rd floor water cooler.
  • Death and dismemberment benefits for families, including same-sex couples.
  • Dental.

Striking workers will picket on the sidewalk — which is considered public property; we have also obtained the necessary permits from the city, and they are being kept on file in an undisclosed location — on a 24 hour basis, and will prevent any attempts to bring in replacement workers (scabs) or deliveries of robot replacements.

Further, while we are normally opposed to their cause and everything they stand for, several associate members of the Guardians will provide security for our picket line, in case management employs zombie strike busters to disrupt our lawful gathering.

We believe that our cause is important and just, and we, as employees of Sinestro's Global Empire and Hair Care Products, need to know that the company cares about our health and well-being. We hope for an immediate and peaceful solution (especially one that doesn't involve lava pits), so we may renew a close working relationship with management once more.

Sincerely,

Minion 37894 (aka Kelly Larson),
Chief Doomsday Countdown Technician and Shop Steward


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