Friday, December 05, 2014

House Hunter Haters

Announcer: Welcome to another episode of House Hunters, the show where two spoiled brats search for the "Perfect Dream Home of their Dreams" in a new city with a surprising budget beyond the reach of normal, reasonable people.

This week, Angie and Dylan Baxter want to find a home in uber-expensive Santa Barbara, California. He's a part-time freelance web designer and she's a kindergarten teaching assistant. They have a budget of $750,000, and want to find a spacious home and yard that reminds them of the farmhouses in rural Kansas. Our realtor, Barbara, is on the case.

Barbara (to camera): I specialize in making people's dreams come true, which, despite what the haters say, is a real thing. I've worked in this town for 27 years as a Realtor (notice how I capitalized it there; that means it's important), and I can help the Baxters. Their budget is $750,000, which is the bare minimum you need to break into the Santa Barbara market.

Angie (to camera): I grew up with a big family. So I—

Dylan: —We—

Angie: Right, we want a big house, just like I grew up in. I, I mean, we want to get something with at least five bedrooms and a big back yard, if we ever have a child.

Barbara stares blankly at the camera.

Dylan (sitting in a "meeting" with Barbara and Angie): We got married three years ago and are ready to start the next chapter in our lives. We love exercising and we came out to California, because frankly we're too pretty to stay in Kansas. We have impossibly saved up $750,000, and want to spend our days eating organic vegetables and doing hot yoga in the basement, which we would turn into a yoga studio so Angie could give private lessons.

(Commercial break for luxury items you don't actually need.)

Barbara (to camera): We've looked at 32 different houses, but we haven't found what the Baxters were looking for. He wants something close to his work, which I don't even think is a real job. And she finds something wrong with every single #&@& house! God help me, I don't know how much more of this I can take!

(Cut to the three walking up the driveway of another house.)

Barbara: This house is a 2,400 square foot Arts and Crafts style bungalow. It's the only home ever designed by I.M. Pei, it sits on its own private cul-de-sac, which is right next to the beach. The kitchen was remodeled six months ago, and comes with its own robot chef. The last couple who lived here found gold in the back yard, but had to move before they found it all. And best of all, it's only $10,000.

Angie (said with enough "creaky voice" to register on the Richter scale.): But the fourth bedroom is too sma-a-a-a-ll. And it looks all 50s-ish. Bo-ring. The 50s were big, you know, three years ago, but now they're out.

Barbara: Actually mid-century modern architecture is still very popular.

Angie: Well, not where we're from.

Dylan: On the plus side, I like the mahogany workbench in the garage, and the view is gorgeous. Plus the robot chef can even make kale smoothies. Angie loves—

Angie: —We love—

Dylan: Uh, yeah, we love kale smoothies.

Angie: I think we'd like to see some other houses before we decide.

Dylan: But babe, this one is perfect. And for $10,000? We'd be idiots to pass it up.

Angie: I don't know. I just didn't like the color of the walls in the closet. Plus there was some mildew on the shower curtain, and I didn't like the washer and dryer.

Dylan: Okay, babe. I trust your judgment.

Angie: We want to see some more houses over the next five weeks before we decide.

Barbara: I have to tell you, in my 27 years of being a Realtor (did you hear me capitalize it again?), I've never seen a house go for so little. Not without being a serial killer's house or exceedingly haunted. This is the most sought after house on the market, and I'm amazed there's not a riot of people trying to buy it.

Angie: I think I know a little something about home buying too. I became an interior designer after I helped my mom paint her living room. Plus I read some realtor blogs last night.

Barbara: That's Realtor!

Announcer: When we return, we'll see whether Angie and Dylan choose the Arts and Crafts bungalow, or if Barbara straight up murdered them.

Photo credit: Randen Pederson (Flickr, Creative Commons)

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