Friday, April 10, 2015

A Letter From My Facebook Feed

Dear Erik,

I'm so angry right now! I can't believe what's happening right now with RFRA, and ISIS! And President Obama and Iran! And Benghazi! And RFRA again! And who the hell serves pizza at a wedding anyway?!

And now I'm happy because here's a video of kitties playing together! Can't you just die from all the cuteness?

Also, I'm pumped about my new CrossFit exercise program. I'm doing battle rope, dead lifts, and these things called burpees. (Of course, I've got that one friend who makes predictable jokes about burpees.)

Check out this picture of the sunset. Have you seen such a beautiful sunset?

Ooh, look another kitty video! It's so cute and fluffy!

Watch this video of this person doing something with another person. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!

It's a good thing I'm on that exercise program, because here's what I'm eating for lunch! It's a pork tenderloin. No, it's a hamburger. No wait, it's a kale smoothie I made to show everyone how healthy I am. I'd tell you how utterly delicious it is, but we all know I'd rather eat that tenderloin.

Can you believe this crap (or good fortune) with the whole Iran nuclear deal?! I'm so angry (or optimistic), because this is such an idiotic (or important) negotiation, and Obama just needs to—

Another kitty video! The cutes, they give me feels!

Check out this picture of the sunset. Have you seen such a beautiful sunset?

I'm so blessed to have such a happy and wonderful family. I don't know what I would do without Facebook to tell you my family is better than yours.

Please send your thoughts and prayers about my sick relative or friend. For my agnostic or spiritual-not-religious friends, please send thoughts, positive energies, and pleas to the universe.

This man talked to a woman. What happened next will amaze you.

Asking for prayers seems to have caused a 30-foot-long debate about the existence of God and whether crystals and healing stones will also work, and did you try a chakra cleanse with a kale smoothie?

Check out this picture of the sunset. Have you seen such a beautiful sunset?

Here's a slideshow of 117 things you've been doing wrong your entire life. Number 78 will blow your mind, but it will take you 20 minutes to get there. I didn't know that because I only forward these things, I don't actually read them.

Here's the 218th amazing picture of my amazing children who are, like, so totally amazing. I love my amazing children, and I love being a parent. It's amazing. You should be amazed.

Speaking of Obama, it's almost election season. It seems like yesterday when we were yelling about Obama and Mitt Romney, and here we are two years later, getting ready to do it all again.

OH MY GOD, THESE KITTIES ARE SO FLUFFY!

Did you see Rand Paul on the Today Show? He totally flew off the handle/schooled that reporter. I can't be sure. No one is sure.

Blah blah a-certain-someone-did-something-terrible-but-I-won't-say-anything-about-it-because-I'm-above-that-and-don't-need-to-stoop-to-other-people's-levels-of-passive-aggressiveness blah.

Check out this picture of the sunset. Have you seen such a beautiful sunset?

Ooh, speaking of crazy, what's the deal with Ted Cruz's hypocrisy? In 2012, he griped about Obama's father not being from here, but he's Canadian-born with a Cuban father, and he says it doesn't matter where his father was from.

You want hypocrisy? Hillary Clinton never even used an official government email address, she just had everything sent to her private email, PalinHater47@hotmail.com. I saw on some fringe website that my friend's cousin's paranoid best friend shared that she deleted all her emails about Benghazi, and then had the Hotmail.com server room burned to the ground.

And now an angry rant from your friend who kills all mature discussions by calling people idiots and saying "wake up, sheeple!" He says everyone is stupid, because they haven't researched this issue like he has, and people keep unfriending him because they can't handle his truth, and he really could make something of himself if his mom wasn't on his back all the time about moving out, but he can't find a new job because his manager Kevin, who's like 16 years younger than him, is always trying to get him fired.

KITTIES! KITTIES! KITTIES!

My favorite team won last night. Everyone admire my good fortune that comes from supporting this team. The fact that your team lost is a direct reflection on your poor life choices. They would have won if you had been a better person. You deserve all ridicule and scorn befitting a social leper.

Sincerely,

Your Facebook Feed

P.S. Check out this video of kitties playing with puppies and a monkey! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!


The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), and No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing are both available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook. My latest book, The Owned Media Doctrine is now available on Amazon.com
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1 comment:

  1. Hi Erik -- This is a great post. Clever, funny and true. Hey, did I tell you about that new kitty video? :)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam. Spammers aren't likely to register. There's been some Chinese spammer who keeps leaving spam comments under different names, and I'm hoping this will deter him. Jerk.

Other spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.