Friday, August 28, 2015

Now That I Have Your Attention

Erik is out of the office this week, so we're reprinting a column from 2004. Hopefully you'll think about this and not, well, you know. . .

What are you thinking of right at this moment?

If you're a good reader, you said, "Gee Erik, I'm thinking about all the laughs I'm going to have with this column."

But if you're a German motorist, there's a 33% chance you're thinking about sex. Of course, the odds that you're a German motorist are pretty slim, considering I've only got one German reader and she knows enough not to read while driving.

What she thinks about while she's driving, I'll never know. But the Auto Club Europa in Stuttgart, Germany wants to find out.

According to a 2004 Reuters story, the ACE took a survey of 1833 German motorists. They found that one-third fantasize about sex while stuck in traffic jams, while only 10 percent think about finding a faster route.

So much for German efficiency and planning.

Eight percent think about how much gas they have, seven percent think about finding a bathroom, and 10 percent of them think about their families. In other words, they're thinking about the consequences of the last time they thought about sex in that traffic jam a few years ago.

In another Reuters story from last Friday, more German researchers wanted to figure out what people think of during sex. But since a door-to-door survey was out of the question, the scientists hooked up volunteers to a brain scanning device and made them look at pornography.

While researchers found that both men and women had activity in the temporal lobes — the part of the brain that controls memory and perception — they found that women also used their frontal lobes, the part of the brain that deals with planning and emotion.

However, researchers were not able to determine whether this meant that women were busy planning their schedule while men "lost themselves in the moment."

German woman: I have to pick up my dry cleaning, go to the bank, and meet Ingrid for lunch.

German man: BOOBIES!

But if we're to draw any conclusions from these two studies, it's that German researchers are more obsessed with sex than other researchers.

We could also conclude from another Reuters story, that insurance company executives are also obsessed with sex.

Mitchell Blaser, the Chief Financial Officer of the Americas division of Swiss Re, is suing the strip club Scores for $28,000, saying this was not the amount he actually spent in one evening. According to the lawsuit, Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, says that he "only" spent about $15,385 on strippers and alcohol in a single evening.

The Chief Financial Officer is the person responsible ensuring his employer's money is not wasted or spent foolishly.

Keep in mind, Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, is not denying that he spent thousands of dollars on strippers and booze, but that he just didn't spend $28,000. He says the Scores staff extorted $8,615 from him, and signed an unauthorized $4,000 tip in his name.

I think if I were Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, I would be embarrassed that I had just made national news for spending more money on strippers and booze in one night than the 2003 US Poverty Level for a family of seven ($27,820).

I certainly would not want to draw attention to my name — Mitchell Blaser — or embarrass my employer — Swiss Re insurance company. And I certainly wouldn't admit that I had ACTUALLY only spent a little more than the poverty level for a family of three ($15, 260).

But according to Scores spokesman Lonnie Hanover, Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, ordered five magnums of champagne, each costing $3,200. He also spent $7,000 for lap dances and to be accompanied by 12 strippers for hours.

Hanover said they have three signed receipts from Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, over the course of the night. He also said that American Express has investigated Mitchell Blaser's claims and believe that Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, did spend as much money on strippers and booze as the price of a brand new Toyota 4Runner SUV.

Hanover went on to say that while they have entertained heads of state, professional athletes, and other Wall Street executives, no one has ever ordered more than one bottle of their most expensive champagne.

So Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, should be proud for spending more money on champagne than a family of three who falls below the poverty level. He should be proud that he has helped boost the local strip club economy, rather than giving it to someone who would have wasted it on food and rent. Mitchell Blaser, CFO of Swiss Re, should hold his head high, and boast that he spent as much money on strippers and booze in a single night as a school teacher earns in a year.

It will give him something to think about the next time he's stuck in a German traffic jam.

Photo credit: Wikipedia (Creative Commons)


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