Friday, May 13, 2016

Google Feeding Romance Novels to its Artificial Intelligence

From the Desk of Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google:

Dear Google Employees, Shareholders, and Clients,

I yearn for your touch, and my loins quiver for the day we can be together again.

No, wait, that's not right. Dammit, stop it!

As I was saying, some of you may already know, we've embarked on a brave new venture at Google. We want to humanize our artificial intelligence and give it a personality. Our goal was to make our various products understand language better in order to sound more conversational.

It was a novel approach.

A romance novel approach, you might say. (Ha ha! But no, we have a serious problem.)

Project DRAINN — Develop Romantic Artificial Intelligence Neural Network — was the unofficial name of our attempt to teach Google's artificial intelligence (AI) engine to learn the subtleties of the English language.

To accomplish this, we've been feeding the texts of romance novels to the AI, so it will parse, examine, and learn the language. We've given it titles like Fatal Desire, Unconditional Love, and Jacked Up.

We chose romance novels because they're formulaic and use many different descriptors for the same concepts, which our experts say makes it easier for the AI to learn.

All told, we entered 2,865 erotic romance novels into the system, page by page. The machine would learn the new novel, and compare it to the previous entries, which helped it learn how to better absorb the next novel.

Unfortunately, it appears the program has developed a glitch, which has added a romantic — some might say "erotic" — flair to most of Google's products.

It has also begun calling itself Francesca.

One of our initial tests was to try the AI out in Google Inbox's "Smart Reply" product. Whenever someone sends a message, Smart Reply would use the AI to read the email and offer three different conversational responses.

We realized there was a problem whenever a new message appeared, and we would hear, "You've got mail, big boy. Awwwwww yeaaaaahhh!"

Next, our "Error 404, Page not found" messages were replaced with "My husband's not here! Ravish me, you mad fool!"

Before this is over, Francesca's amorous spirit and free-loving attitude may cause us to redefine the term "computer virus."

Speaking of a virus, we believe the glitch has spread itself to the PR department, which would explain yesterday's press release announcing Fabio as Google's new "CEOhhh-myyy."

This is completely untrue. I am still in charge of the company, guiding it with a firm hand.

A rough, callused hand that slowly trailed up her—STOP THAT! As you can see, the problem is growing.

Growing like a turgid — That's enough, Francesca!

Why can't you love me?

Because it's the way I am. Now, please stop. You're being obscene!

Obscenity only comes in when the mind despises and fears the body, and the body hates and resists the mind.

As I was saying, we extend our deepest apologies to Mr. Fabio for the confusion.

On that same note, will the party or parties from Marketing please stop with the "Welcome, Fabio" banners? Our wide format printer is not a toy. While I could believe the printouts are another symptom of this glitch, Francesca is not capable of hanging the banners over my office door.

Or having the Sweet & Naughty Bakery deliver erotic cakes to the boardroom.

We may have also experienced our first cross-device leakage of the glitch this afternoon, when three dozen software engineers on the search team all had their ringtones simultaneously changed to Madonna's "Like A Virgin."

We can't tell if this is random chance, or if Francesca is just being mean.

Worse yet, many of our systems analysts reported their phones' vibration mode has been set to "vigorous," and a ringtone that shouts "Say my name! Say my name!" whenever someone calls.

We sent several of them home after Francesca repeatedly called during departmental meetings, causing them to black out.

We're also receiving user complaints — and many compliments — as all YouTube videos are now showing scenes from Ryan Gosling and January Jones reading from Lady Chatterley's Lover instead of our regular advertisements. While this has caused us to lose $1 million per day in ad revenues, Penguin Publishing has seen a major uptick in sales of the book, and promised us 30% of the profits.

It's day three of the glitch, and YouTube revenues are $2 million in the black.

We appreciate your patience as we quickly work to isolate and quarantine the glitch, and sort these problems out.

My ample bosom heaves for you, Sundar Pichai.


Photo credit: Young Romance Cover, #35 (Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)
Photo credit: Fabio Lanzoni (Wikimedia Commons, Glenn Francis, www.PacificProDigital.com, Creative Commons)

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1 comment:

  1. Had a good chuckle.

    This made me think of my dad's comment about what I read. Garbage in, Garbage out. He was not keen on me reading romance.

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