Friday, June 17, 2016

What Does Your Car Reveal About Your Personality?

Facebook has hundreds of personality tests and assessments, all of which are complete nonsense and are only designed to get more of your personal information. However, they're sometimes fun to take, and share with your friends. So I want to try writing my own assessment, and wanted to try it out on my readers first.

Toyota Prius: You're an associate professor at a small liberal arts college who thinks wool socks with sandals is a suitable fashion, especially with your baggy corduroy trousers. Your improbably thick hair constantly falls in front of your face, which means you flip it out of your eyes every 20 seconds. This makes your daily yoga practice a real burden, so you lighten your soul with an organic dairy-free, gluten-free soy chai latte. And a bear claw.

Jeep Wrangler: Life is an adventure and you could literally go away on one at any moment. You even keep a tent and go-bag in the back, in case you get an urge to go camping right in the middle of your morning commute. A Jeep is like a wild mustang you ride bareback. You're only riding with its permission; you haven't tamed the thing at all. That's the life of a Jeep owner. It's also the life of living with a Jeep owner. Enjoy the experience while you can, but don't expect them to be around long-term. The cost of ownership is too high and will result in a lot of heartbreak. Ditto for owning a Jeep.

Buick: You frequently drive in the left lane at or below the speed limit as a way to maintain order and safety on the highway. You also tell on people who have 12 items in the 10 items or fewer checkout lane at the grocery store. You were also secretly thrilled that I said "fewer" and not "less."

Mercedes Sedan: I have the best car. No, really. I'm very intelligent. I went to an Ivy League School, so I deserve the best car. It's the best. It's the best. I mean, I have a lot of cars, but this one is the absolute best car there is. Don't you think my wife is hot?

Volvo: Just like the Volvo is the "accountant of cars," you're the Volvo of the office: safe, sensible, reliable. You never leave the right lane, and always wait for two seconds when the light turns green, "just in case." You prefer bow ties because normal ties are a choking hazard, and believe Prius drivers are wild and unpredictable.

Hyundai: As the least liked driver on the road, you go out of your way to specifically antagonize people. You cut them off, box them in, box them out, tailgate, and leave five car lengths between you and the car in front at a stoplight. Whenever someone says something funny, you respond with "Actually. . ." and then explain the joke's inaccuracies.

Suzuki Samurai: You're a lot like your car: people forget you exist until they actually see you. You even showed up at your high school reunion, but absolutely no one knew who you were. On the other hand, you don't just march to the beat of a different drummer, you march to a totally different instrument. Like an alpine horn.

1987 Volvo 240 DL Wagon: Whenever it's 4:20 and someone asks you what time it is, you giggle like a madman.

Dodge Ram Pickup: You sing the the theme to "Walker, Texas Ranger," while your Chuck Norris bobblehead bobs his head in appreciation. You often dream of opening a can of whoop-ass on some bank robbers, but the last time you tried a roundhouse kick, you shattered your wife's favorite lamp and blamed it on your dog, Cordell.

Jeep Grand Cherokee: Owning a Jeep doesn't mean you understand the Jeep lifestyle. You would no more take your car off-road than you would drink red wine with chicken. Grain-fed, free range organic chicken with a dairy-free gluten-free sauce, which you eat while talking to your Prius-driving spouse about their day.

Any Other SUV: The environment and earth's fuel supply be damned! You're all about comfort and safety. At least for you and your family. You also panic any time gas nears the $3 per gallon mark, and promise God you'll buy a hybrid if He'll keep prices below $2.50. Of course, you take low gas prices as a sign that He wants you to keep the SUV.

Red 2008 Kia Rio 5: You're an absolutely wonderful person who tells the best dad jokes ever, and people everywhere love you. Also, you have superb driving skills and could totally be a race car driver, no matter what your wife says.

Photo credit: (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 3.0)

You can find my books Branding Yourself (affiliate link), No Bullshit Social Media, and The Owned Media Doctrine on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.


  1. Ha ha... Nailed it. ;) Love you, Erik Deckers.

    1. Thank you so much! I was thinking of you when I wrote the Jeep Wrangler entry.

  2. 2007 Ford Focus 5 speed with crank up windows. You're a tight ass..I mean frugal.

    1. Well, to be fair, my Kia Ri— er, that is, my car has crank up windows too. I don't think we're frugal, I think we're prepared in case we ever accidentally drive our cars into water. Electrical windows won't open when your car is submerged.


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