Withers: Hello, and welcome to members of the media. My name is Richard Withers, and I am the Director of the newly-formed Department of Zombie Defense.
Last week, the President created this department through executive order to help us combat the rising threat of zombie attack, both from outside our borders and within our very own country. He asked myself—
Voice from the back: Not "myself." Just say "me."
Withers: —to head up the newly created Department. And as a long-time Mar-A-Lago club member, I was happy to accept.
(Reporters hands shoot into the air, several people call "Mr. Withers, Director Withers.")
Withers: If you'll all be patient, I'll get through this opening statement, and then we will allow a few question from some hand-selected pre-approved media outlets.
(Reporters from Breitbart wink and shoot finger guns at Withers.)
ABC News reporter: Will we be able to interview Kellyanne?
Withers: Oh hell no. She's not allowed near a TV camera anymore.
CNN reporter: Mr. Withers, the President has previously been tricked by documentaries on cable news channels, such as the nonexistent Swedish terrorist attack. Is there any chance he was watching Walking Dead reruns on AMC?
Withers: We're not ready for questions yet. Who let you in here?
CNN Reporter: Uh, Greg did. Yeah, it was Greg, from, uh, the White House. He said it was totally cool that we came here, and he told us to tell you 'Hey.'
NPR reporter: Yeah, Greg sent us too. He said you guys should get drinks soon. And that we could ask questions.
Withers: He did? Okay then. Now where were we?
CNN reporter: I had asked if the President had accidentally been watching Walking Dead reruns again.
Withers: No, absolutely not. The President is focused 100 percent on leading this country back to greatness again. He may watch, uh, briefing videos from time to time, as part of his information gathering process, but he is focused on creating jobs, protecting our borders, and promoting his company brand.
NPR reporter: What actually inspired the President to start the Department of Zombie Defense?
Withers: Earlier this week, my staff and myself—
Voice from the back: Don't say "myself." Just say "I."
Withers: —received official government reports that were gathered by an official government agency and not from an Internet story. According to these official government reports, a radio station in Winchester, Indiana began broadcasting an alert message that bodies of the dead were rising from their graves and attacking living citizens. My staff and myself—
Voice from the back: Don't say "myself!" That's never correct.
Withers: —also received reports of these living corpses carrying diseases which could also turn people into zombies.
Breitbart reporter: Will these victims be covered under the new healthcare plan?
Withers: That depends on whether their death was caused by the disease, or if they had a preexisting condition like pregnancy.
Female reporter: Excuse me, but pregnancy is not a preexisting condition. It's necessary to the creation of life.
Withers: Excuse me, ma'am. I used to be the CEO of a major medical software company. I think I would know if pregnancy was a preexisting condition or not.
Breitbart reporter: How will the brave men and women — mostly men, I imagine — of the Department of Zombie Defense train against these mindless killers?
Withers: Our field agents, as well as hand-chosen professionals from select states, will spend their first weeks watching training videos, including Day of the Dead — both the Steve Miner and George Romero versions — Shaun of the Dead, and Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. They will also participate in training simulators including Duke Nukem and the zombie mode in Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare.
MSNBC Reporter: Director Withers, are you sure this isn't just some ploy to spend taxpayer money on yet another government witch hunt based on some questionable research and decision making by the White House?
Withers: Actually, the Department of Zombie Defense's purview does not include witches, wizards, or necromancers, although myself—
Voice from the back: Sweet Jebus, are you doing it on purpose?
Withers: —will be speaking to the President about that as soon as possible. We do not believe the threat from witches is a real one.
However, we are exploring the idea that the Wiccans may somehow be responsible for the Indiana zombie outbreak. If they are, we will liaise with the National Science Foundation and begin rounding up known witches and placing them in Guantanamo Bay for observation.
Finally, after watching the documentary, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, the President has asked us to draft a watchlist of known hypnotists, mind controllers, and people with those weird spinny eyes.
That's all for now. We will have regular news briefings if anything of interest occurs.
Photo credit: Republic (Wikimedia Commons, U.S. Public Domain)
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