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Showing posts from June, 2007

At Least I'm Not 50

At Least I'm Not 50
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

The inevitable finally happened. I'd known it was coming for years -- known the exact date and time. I planned, stalled, and fought for as long as I could, but it still happened despite my best efforts.

I turned 40 this past Wednesday.

There's really nothing special about 40. I don't feel any different than I did the day before, when I was 39.99726 years old. But 40 is such a vastly different age than all my previous ages. Not only did my decade change, now there's a zero at the end of it. It's sort of how Western Civilization felt when the calendar year changed to 2000 (although the millennium didn't officially begin until 2001!). We had reached a major milestone, but we didn't know how to feel.

I was born exactly at midnight on June 27th, so on the night of the 26th, I watched the second hands march slowly toward 12:00 on my bedroom clock until they reached their target.

"I'm 40…

British Teachers to Offer Walking Lessons

British Teachers to Offer Walking Lessons
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

Have you ever been in a situation where you said, "Boy, I wish I knew how to walk better?" Complex tasks like carrying a bag, walking over rough terrain, going out for a Sunday stroll, or -- *gasp* -- walking and chewing gum at the same time?

You've cursed your embarrassing lack of knowledge of this basic skill. You've stumbled and dragged yourself to your therapist's office, and filled his ears with stories about how your parents only taught you the basic walking technique. You broke down and sobbed when you realized they never taught you how to walk on different terrains and situations.

You've prayed that this new generation of students aren't cursed with your same shortcomings, forced to shuffle and shamble through life, while the smart kids -- the lucky kids -- walk, mosey, and meander their way down Easy Street.

If you're one of those unlucky few, take heart.…

Weapons of Mass Flatulence

Weapons of Mass Flatulence
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

While most people believe the U.S. Department of Defense only wants to kill people, that's not entirely true. They also want to make enemy soldiers get stung by angry wasps, get blamed for farting, and turn them gay.

My brother sent me a story from the BBC about a project proposed by the U.S. Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio. The report, "Harassing, Annoying, and 'Bad Guy' Identifying Chemicals," came to light after the Sunshine Project, a military watchdog group, obtained a copy through the Freedom of Information Act.

In 1994, Wright Labs sent a proposal for a six-year, $7.5 million project to develop chemicals to turn soldiers gay, attract angry wasps or rats, cause severe halitosis, and simulate flatulence among enemy troops, also called the "Who? Me?" bomb.

My brother and I have the maturity of a couple of 12-year-olds, so he knew this story would appeal to me great…

I Just Want to be Alone

I Just Want to be Alone
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

Privacy is one of those priceless commodities you can't get enough of. Like gold, vacation, or pizza. No matter how much you get, you always want more. And while I love my kids, there are times I just wish they would go bug someone else for a while.

I realize I don't see my family during the day, and I should spend as much time as I can with them. And I do. But I also want to spend some time with my wife, to talk about something other than work. To have a normal conversation about normal things. But it's a little difficult at times when everyone else is competing for my attention.

My wife: You won't believe what I heard today! Do you remember Susie from the library? Well, her husband caught her--

Son: Daddy, look at my Legos! I put them in a pile!

Me: Good job, Buddy. That's quite a big pile.

Son: Watch me put them into a new pile.

My wife: So anyway, Susie went out for drinks with --

Youngest daught…