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Showing posts from March, 2008

The Power of The Linger

Stuart McLean, host of the CBC’s Vinyl Café, spoke about the joys of lingering on his show this past Saturday.“It’s not procrastination, it’s enjoying the moment you’re in,” he said. “Lingering is an attempt to let life slip out of time for a bit. It’s about letting go and engaging at the same time. About being imbued with the present rather than focusing on the future.”For me, linger is a word that holds anticipation and promise. Like if you wait long enough, something special will happen. The first time you met the man or woman of your dreams, you let your hand linger a moment longer than usual when you shook hands. When you’re with a group of people you enjoy, you linger until the end, not wanting to be the one to shatter the mood and cause the whole group to disperse. At a book signing or lecture, I will often linger just to get a chance to meet the author or speaker for a few minutes – something those people who raced out the door never get to do. And I’ve gotten some sage advice…

Steroids Investigation Reaches New Low

Steroids Investigation Reaches New Low
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

SENATOR SOGGYBOTTOM: Esteemed colleagues of the Senate Judiciary Committee, we are launching an investigation into the use of performance enhancing drugs by Ancient Heroes. Today, we will hear testimony from Samson of Ancient Israel, Hercules and Atlas of Ancient Greece and Rome, and Thor from Scandinavia. You four have already sworn your oath, so we'll begin.

THOR: I renew my objection to swearing on a Bible. In my day, a Viking's word was his oath. We would often swear by my father Odin's beard, or sacrifice a goat before a battle, but never on a book.

SOGGYBOTTOM: Your objection is so noted. Now, gentlemen, on to our questions. Mr. Hercules?

HERCULES: Let me start by telling you this. I have never used steroids, period.

SOGGYBOTTOM: Don't bother. We've heard that one before. Now, you are considered one of the strongest men in the world, and your many exploits are legendary. Howev…

Goldilocks v. The Three Bears

Goldilocks v. The Three Bears
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

Erik is feeling under the weather this week, so we are reprinting a
column from 2002.

Bailiff: All rise! The Honorable Jacob Loveless presiding.

Judge Loveless: Bailiff, what's the next case?

Bailiff: Goldilocks versus The Three Bears, your Honor.

Loveless: Who represents the plaintiff?

Johnny Cochrane: I do, Your Honor.

Loveless: What seems to be the problem, Mr. Cochrane?

Cochrane: Your Honor, my client had occasion to enter the defendants' home on Saturday, May 18th. During her visit, she sampled some of their food, sat in their chairs, and slept in their beds. Because of the Bears' negligence in food preparation and furniture maintenance, as well
as a failure to secure their home against intruders, my client suffered third degree oral burns, chronic back pain, and a bruised tailbone. She also suffered severe mental anguish resulting from a fear of being mauled during a brief chase. We're suing f…

Skittles: The Gateway Candy

Skittles: The Gateway Candy
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

It just doesn't do to break the rules, especially when you're an elected office holder.

We've all heard about the elected official who was recently stripped of his office after purchasing an illicit item. He was no longer able to hold that office, was humiliated in front of his peers, laughed at by his enemies, and his family name was sullied in the national news.

I'm not talking about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who shamed himself and his family, by paying for a $1,000-per-hour hooker, after making a name for himself by putting other prostitutes in jail. Not former Attorney General Eliot Spitzer who was forced to resign by a bunch of so-gleeful-it's-frightening Republicans who hated Spitzer for putting the thumbscrews on their buddies on Wall Street.

I'm talking about eighth-grade honors student Michael Sheridan, of New Haven, Connecticut, who landed himself into some hot water by b…

This Ain't No "Gift of the Magi"

This Ain't No "Gift of the Magi"
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

It's the age old story: boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy visits brothel, boy finds girl working in brothel, girl divorces boy.

If I had a dollar for every time that happened, I'd have, well, a dollar.

According to a Reuters news story, it happened to a Polish man this past January. He was visiting a local brothel when he found his wife was working there. And not at the snack stand, if you know what I mean. She had told her husband she was working at a store in another town, when in truth she was peddling her wares a little closer to home.

Apparently, the hickeys and smell of cheap vodka and shame weren't a tip-off that something was wrong. He wasn't too quick on the uptake either.

The Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been working at the house of ill-repute to make a little money on the side. (Or on her back if you want to get technical about it.)

All of which …