I learned about a game a few years ago called the Florida Man Birthday Challenge. You can play it on your phone or your laptop, and it goes like this: Google the phrase "Florida Man" in quotes and then your birthday. Whatever crazy story comes up first, that’s your Florida zodiac sign — your Flordiac sign.
Don’t include the year, in case you were born before Florida became a state (1845). Also, some of you might get headlines like "Florida Man Gets Drunk, Steals Neighbor’s Mastodon, Throws Spear at Police," and I don’t want you to feel bad.
The game works because there is usually one news story every day about some crazy-bonkers nonsense that Florida Man has gotten up to: "Florida Man Steals Excavator, Goes for Joyride, Crashes into Walmart;" "Florida Man Dressed As FBI Pistol-Whips Haunted House Host with BB Gun;" "Florida Woman Calls 911 over Stolen Weed, Arrested for Outstanding Warrants."
Thanks to the history of Florida Man and his news stories, which started in 2013, you can find at least one story for every day of the year.
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| NOT a Texas billionaire |
Let’s look at a few examples. Take my birthday, June 27: "Florida man says he was drinking while stopped, not driving." I wasn’t drinking AND driving, officer. I know that’s not safe.
Or my wife’s birthday, November 26: "Naked Florida man accused of using golfer's own clubs to kill him near first hole." I feel bad for the victim because getting a tee time was probably hard enough.
Or January 6: Florida woman arrested after accidentally texting sheriff’s dept. instead of drug dealer." "I want to buy some pot. Also bring donuts."
Or July 4, which is Florida Man Christmas: "Florida woman arrested after biting ear off another woman during fight over vape pens and alcohol." That’s understandable — those vape pens can be expensive. Also, it was the top of the ear, which did not grow back. Your ears are like your fingers: They won’t grow back if part of one gets bitten off or shot off.
It even works on February 29: "Florida man who allegedly threatened family with Coldplay lyrics ends standoff after SWAT promises him pizza." I hope SWAT texted him back, "One minute, I held the key/Next the walls were closed on me."
Florida is what would happen if Twitter became a state, and Florida Man (and Florida Woman) is the face of all the crazy BS that happens in the Sunshine State.
Imagine gathering all the crazies, criminals, and obnoxious a-holes in the country, and shoving them into a single part of the country, and now you understand Florida.
Next, imagine Florida is full, so you send the overflow about 1,400 miles straight west and give them cowboy hats. Now you understand Texas.
"But every state has its own share of crazy criminals and obnoxious a-holes," you’re thinking. "You can’t just say Florida is the worst; you’re probably exaggerating."
Oh, you sweet summer child. I wish I could bottle that innocence. I bet it smells like Play-Doh and candy.
No doubt some of you believe that every other state has its own share of crazy criminals and obnoxious a-holes, and that I’m unfairly singling out Florida and Texas.
You would be wrong: There are three things you have to watch out for in Florida: alligators, snakes, and crazy people, and any one of them will get you.
Texas is the same, but with fewer alligators. But it does have a lot more billionaires. One is a cold-blooded ambush predator that will consume your family without any remorse; the other gets confused with crocodiles.
Think of it this way: we have buffalo throughout the United States, right? Nearly every state has at least one buffalo, even if it’s on a farm. (I don’t think Rhode Island does, but they don’t have much of anything. They still only have one area code.)
So would it be fair to say that all of the states have buffalo? Yes, it would.
Is it fair to say every state has the same number of buffalo? No, because they’re concentrated in Yellowstone National Park, which covers parts of Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho. The place is practically teeming with buffalo.
This is how it works in Florida. Yes, every state has crazy criminals, but every year, thousands of them migrate here, like the swallows returning to Capistrano.
There’s even a Florida Man website at — where else? — FloridaMan.com. You can search the website and search for particular themes and categories of Florida Man stories, including Drunks, Jerks, Vehicles, Fights, and Food ("Florida Man Stabs Man in Argument over Donuts").
Pound for pound, Florida Man can out-chaos any other State Man you care to name. He’s the Superman of stupidity, the Incredible Hulk of idiotic humans, the Batman of boneheads. This is why we don’t have Indiana Man, Ohio Man, or Kentucky Man.
Nobody actually wants this kind of behavior in their state. I’m certainly not condoning it. But I like the idea of a Florida Man army defending the borders if Georgia ever decides to invade.
So, keep on your own side of the line, Georgia, 'cause the moon is full, the meth is fresh, the gators are hungry, and Florida Man is fresh out of donuts.
Photo credit (alligator): Clément Bardot (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)
Photo credit: (Aug 9, 1925 "Florida Man" reference from the "Tom Sims Says" one-liners column in the Messenger-Inquirer) Temarius (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.