It’s a common complaint, especially by those of us who have been around long enough: customer service has really gone downhill in the last several years.
This isn’t one of those "young people these days!" columns where I talk about how young people don’t know anything, are lazy, their brains are rotting because of the latest entertainment choices, and that they’re on my lawn.
The whole old generation complains about the young one thing is worn out.
As a Gen Xer, this is what our Boomer parents said about our Walkmans and music videos. And their parents said about rock-n-roll and dungarees. And their parents said about jazz and movies. Go far enough back, and you’ll find people who thought reading novels would rot your brain, but we can’t get kids to read paper books these days.
But customer service really has gone down the toilet, and not just because of young people. You pay more and you get less. Customer service people are bored at best and hostile at worst. And if you complain, you’ll get heartfelt apologies from the manager while the employee is behind them, making throat-slashing motions at you.
Think of it as Ed Debevic’s for coffee. (If you’ve never heard of Ed Debevic’s, a snarky 1950s diner, go to Chicago and eat there. They won’t thank you for it.)
At No Apologies, you won’t need to give your name to the barely-listening baristas. If you’re lucky, they’ll only spell your name wrong.. Normally, they’ll write your most obvious physical flaw on the cup, and then holler it out at the top of their lungs.
"Large coffee for Glasses? Hey, Glasses, look over here. I got your large coffee here."
"Big Nose, your latte is ready! Surprised you can’t smell it from there!"
"Peppermint mocha with extra chocolate for Unused Yoga Pants! You’re not fooling anyone. Stretch over here and get your drink."
But this is only if they like you. If they don’t like you, which is more likely, then they’ll write a major insecurity or embarrassing memory on your cup.
"Coffee for Mommy Issues! Yo, Mommy Issues, be a good boy and get your coffee."
"Strawberry frappe for Secretly In Love With Her Brother-In-Law. Oh, honey, that’s so pathetic. This one’s on us."
"I have a large mocha latte for Wet The Bed Until He Was Eight. Hey, Pee Pants, your drink’s ready."
However, all the baristas will have a secret heart of gold, and if a patron truly has some serious flaws or is having a tough time, they’ll only describe you in kind and loving terms.
"Yo, Princess Bright Smile, pumpkin spice latte, and don’t let anyone give you a hard time about it."
"I’ve got a gingerbread latte for You Don’t Need A Man To Complete You."
"Espresso shot for You’re Too Good For Her."
This unusual display of tenderheartedness will choke up nearby bystanders, who will then be threatened with harm if they tell anyone.
At No Apologies, your coffee will take a long time, but it won’t be cold, because every drink will be made to order, hot and fresh. It will just take longer than you wanted because the baristas really could not care any less about how late you are for your morning meeting. In fact, if you appear the slightest bit impatient in any way, you can pretty much guarantee you’re going to have to wait 15 minutes for your drink.
There will even be a quiet, subtle signal the baristas will use to secretly launch their delay. One of them will nod ever so slightly and shout, "Get a load of Chester Corporate here. He’s got a big meeting. He must be impotent. I mean, important."
No Apologies will also not be ideally suited for entrepreneurs. Despite my own roots in entrepreneurship, plus the fact that I’m writing this column in my favorite coffee shop right now, we will hate coffee shop startups.
The Internet is going to be super slow, unless you buy the most expensive drink on the menu. Instead, I’m going to have snotty signs around the place that passive-aggressively say, "Stay off your phone. Have a real conversation instead." And if you look like you’re having a business meeting, we’re going to crank up the house stereo and run the milk steamer the entire time.
Also, if anyone hammers away on their laptops for more than an hour, an alarm will go off, and everyone in the place will shout, "Get a real job, Spielberg. No one cares about your screenplay."
This behavior seems to be more commonplace in most businesses these days, so I figure, why not just be a trendsetter and do it before everyone else does?
And if you don’t like it, no one cares what you think, Still Reads Newspapers. Drink your coffee.
Photo credit: Erik Deckers (That's me! I took that!)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.