"Why don’t people like us?" The caller wailed on the other end of the line.
Who is this? I asked. I was on Zoom, in an open conference room, holding Office Hours. That’s when I sit and wait for people to show up to ask for help with their problems. Sort of like sitting in a coffee shop with a sign that says "The Doctor Is In."
"My name is Barry," said the guy. He was thin and pasty, and his shirt was drenched with flop sweat at 9:00 in the morning.
What seems to be the problem, Barry? I didn’t believe that was his real name, but I’m used to people giving me fake names and made-up problems. Just last week, someone calling herself "your wife" said that "you need to quit leaving your socks on the floor."
It was clearly a crank call, so I hung up on her and blocked her.
"I already said. People don’t like us," Barry said.
Uh-huh. And are these people in the room with you right now?
"Don’t be condescending. I’ve got people in the room with me, but they’re just like me." Barry panned his laptop around the room. I could see several more skinny nerds covered in flop sweat. Some of them had even been crying. Their eyes were bloodshot, and there were tissues scattered around their conference table among dozens of empty Red Bull cans.
Why makes you think they don’t like you, Barry?
"Everywhere we go, people yell at us. They’re not happy with what we do," he sobbed.
How? I asked. Do you mean they’re just unhappy with you in general? Are you just unlikeable people, or is it something specific?
"We’re artificial intelligence executives," he said.
"What is it?" Barry asked.
I’m surprised you guys didn’t see it.
"Tell us! What are we doing wrong?"
No one really wants what you do, I said. They never really asked for what you’re creating. You just shoved it down our throats and said you don’t care about the consequences.
"No, we didn’t," Barry said. "We asked people."
Who, each other? That doesn’t count.
A second guy spoke up: "But the tech bros love what we’re doing because they’ve been able to fire so many of their programmers. They keep the least experienced, least expensive people on the payroll and get rid of the people who actually know how to write the code. It reduces headcounts by more than 80%."
And you don’t think the out-of-work programmers would be upset by that?
"Why would we ask them? It’s more efficient this way. Think of all the money the founders are making for themselves!"
Yes, at the expense of everyone else. Andrew Yang says millions of office workers will lose their jobs. He said on Instagram that marketers, coders, designers, lawyers, accountants, and call center workers could all lose their jobs in the next 12 to 18 months.
"But what about artists and musicians?" asked another pasty-faced nerd. "Do they like us?"
Are you kidding? They hate you more! Artists and writers already aren’t being paid, and now you’re stealing terabytes of their work to train your algorithms to replace them. Even worse, you didn’t even pay them in the first place, so now you’re being sued just so they get something.
"Is that wrong?" asked Barry. "Should we not have done that?"
Didn’t your parents teach you not to steal?
"We think it’s not stealing if it’s on the Internet," said a third nerd. "But they keep suing us."
What do you expect? I said. You didn’t even buy a copy of the books you stole; you downloaded PDFs from illegal pirate websites.
"Who does that hurt?" said the third nerd.
Those of us who spent months and years writing them, as well as the publishers. It’s all good, though, I said. One of you guys gave me more than a hundred bucks in a class action lawsuit for the books you stole, and I’m still waiting on the settlement payment from another. So far, you’ve paid out billions of dollars in legal settlements, and I couldn’t be happier.
"But we’re doing this for the good of humanity!" protested Barry.
No, you’re not. No one can remember a boom that people hated as much as this one, and that includes the 2008 mortgage crisis that saw people lose their homes.
"A lot of people still like us, though, don’t they?"
Not really. You guys are ruining entire industries, you consume more water and energy than you should, and your AI bots encourage mentally ill people to kill themselves. All for what? To enrich yourselves and a few friends?
"But can you help make us more likable?"
I threw my head back and laughed. I’m a writer, not a miracle worker. Why don’t you ask your precious AI bots to help you?
Barry sobbed. "They said we’re leeches on society and we don’t deserve friends."
That may be the smartest thing they’ve ever said. Good luck, I said, before hanging up.
Photo credit: Anna Shvedts (Pexels.com, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.