Productivity Bros love productivity hacks. Nothing is a tip or a helpful hint; it’s a hack.
One of their favorite hacks to "maximize your cognitive performance" (that’s Productivity Bro talk for "think better") is to only wear one kind and color of clothing. That way, you’re not standing in front of your closet for several minutes, trying to decide what to wear.
It sounds smart, except it’s stupid.
"It’s not stupid, bro!" the Productivity Bros grunt, climbing off their Pelotons. "The average person spends 16 minutes a day trying to decide what to wear, bro."
"Yeah, that’s 97 hours per year, bro," says another.
"That creates decision fatigue," says the first bro. "We make 35,000 decisions per day, and they get worse at the end of the day. So you shouldn’t waste your cognitive energy on needless decisions that don’t actually do anything."
In other words, if I wear the same thing every day, I’ll make better decisions?
"Exactly, bro!" cheer the Bros. "That’s science, Bro!"
No, that’s really dumb.
"No, bro! Steve Jobs always wore black turtlenecks, and Mark Zuckerberg always wears blue hoodies, and they’re billionaires!"
So, if I wear black turtlenecks or blue hoodies, I’ll become a billionaire?
"No, that’s not what it—"
Ooh! What if I wear turtleneck hoodies? Could I become a double billionaire?
"That’s not how it works," the Productivity Bros grumbled. And then they started blathering about side hustles, ultra-caffeinated coffee, and cryptocurrency, I think; I don’t really listen to them.
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| These are my actual shirts. |
Those things didn’t happen because he had blown all his mental processing powers trying to decide what he was going to wear that day.
He didn’t start each morning in front of his closet, going, "Let’s see, should I wear the black turtleneck or the yellow jumpsuit with the blue pirate boots? Oh, $#!^, there goes the fourth quarter financial projections."
Or "Hmmmm, should I wear a black turtleneck or the blue mumu with a kicky pink beret? Dang, there goes my idea for the iPhone!"
No, he became a billionaire by starting a company and then exploiting the labor of everyone who worked for him, just like all the other billionaires.
I’m sure people like Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg have a lot of tough decisions they need to make throughout the day: Do I cancel this important project? Should I have my products manufactured by a children’s sweatshop in China or a children’s sweatshop in Vietnam? Should I eliminate the department that ensures no one posts false propaganda and interferes with another country’s elections?
All tough, important decisions that will affect your company’s future and make you a bigger billionaire or a smaller billionaire.
But the futures of the world’s largest tech companies don’t hinge on "Hmmm, the blue one or the black one?"
"Excuse me, Mr. Zuckerberg, but we need an answer right away. Should we launch a hostile takeover of this AI company?"
"Oh, God, I don’t know, I had to pick my hoodie color this morning!"
I say all this as the guy who only ever wears one brand of t-shirt, two-thirds of which are navy blue.
(Shout out to the Duluth Trading Company in the hopes that they’ll send me a gift card.)
But at the same time, I haven’t run my tiny company into the ground by trying to decide whether I want to wear black or orange. To be fair, I’m not a billionaire, but that’s because I don’t exploit the people who work for me, not because I take five seconds to pick a shirt.
I will admit that it’s quite freeing to be able to just reach into my closet and pick whatever I want to wear. But then again, I wear blue jeans, and everything goes with blue jeans.
If I want to wear navy blue, I’m spoiled for choice. If I want to wear black so I look sophisticated, I’m covered. If I want to wear orange because the Dutch National Soccer Team is in the World Cup, I can do it.
I just reach into my closet, go "Yoink!" and I’m ready to go. I’m not standing there for another 14 minutes and 55 seconds trying to decide which heavy-duty cotton t-shirt with relaxed fit, reinforced stitching, and longer tails to prevent plumber’s crack I should wear.
(I really want that gift card.)
I don’t know what color shirt I should get next, though. I spent all morning trying to choose between scrambled and fried eggs for breakfast.
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.