"Are you afraid of spiders, Kid?" my friend Karl asked me. He looked over my shoulder at the wall I was leaning against, and laughed uproariously when I launched myself out of my chair.
No, I’m not, I said, trying to be heard over his laughter. I just don’t want them crawling on me, but I don’t shriek and whack them with a shoe. I examined the wall, but didn’t see any sign of the creepy-crawlies, so I sat back down.
"We run a clean, spider-free place here," said Kurt, the bartender, setting our lunch plates on our table. We were at First Editions, our favorite literary-themed bar for our regular late lunch excursions that Karl’s daughter and my wife never knew about.
I just capture them in a glass and release them outside, I said. They can run around in nature and catch pests to their little hearts’ desire. That way, they can’t wrap me up while I’m sleeping.
"You’re not supposed to do that," said Karl.
What, get wrapped up while I’m sleeping? I know! That’s why I put them outside.
"No, spiders are like cats and dogs," said Karl. "They’re not meant to live outside. It’s cruel to keep them outside, tied up or living wild."
Who cares? I said. They’re freaking spiders! They don’t get to have any feelings on the matter. They’re not cute and cuddly.
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| This one is waiting for you to fall asleep. |
Sounds like you have some strong feelings on the matter. What brought this on?
"I found an old article on LiveScience about how it’s cruel to put house spiders outside because they’re not actually built to withstand outside conditions. They need to be inside with a consistent temperature, low airflow, a steady flow of small prey, and a lack of predators like birds and wasps."
Those are the same reasons I live indoors, I said. That doesn’t mean I want any eight-legged roommates waiting for me to fall asleep so they can drain me dry.
"Yes, but that’s why they should be inside. LiveScience said you should relocate spiders into a part of your house that you’re willing to share with them. The basement, the garage, or the utility room. Places you don’t usually go."
I usually go to all those places! I said. My office and utility room are in my garage, and I don’t have a basement. There is literally no part of my house I’m willing to share with spiders. I’m willing to share my yard with them, and I think that’s pretty generous.
"It is, but only some species of spiders are made for outside, like wolf spiders and other hunting species."
Yes, but they accidentally found their way inside. So I’m returning them to their natural habitat. You’re welcome.
"But a house spider’s natural habitat is indoors, not out."
I’m not about to run a background check on a spider to see where he came from. If it’s got more than four legs, it belongs outside.
"I disagree. We have to be willing to share our homes with these species because they do so much to help us," Karl said.
Then how do you feel about sharing the ocean with sharks? Do you mind swimming with them? After all, you’re in their living room.
"Oh, absolutely not. Sharks are eating machines. All they want to do is eat me."
I pulled out my phone and tapped it a few times to find the article I’d been reading. Yes, but Dr Lucy Hawkes of the University of Exeter is heading up a project that’s investigating porbeagle, tope and blue sharks. She thinks we should all 'snuggle a shark.'
"Absolutely not. Dr. Hawkes is clearly a crackpot."
Oh, come on now. I’m supposed to share my house with a spider, but you can’t be in the same ocean as a cute and snuggly shark?
"No effing way," said Karl, only he didn’t say "effing."
Look, she even says right here, 'Surfers could see one and absolutely poop their pants, but they’re not dangerous. It’s amazing that we share the water with some pretty exciting animals.'
"It’s amazing they want to share the water at all if we’re pooping our pants," said Karl.
Well, spiders are the sharks of the living room.
"Yes, but spiders aren’t lurking beneath your feet to take a big chomp out of your leg," said Karl, crossing his arms.
Yeah, because I keep putting them outside, I said. Should I just put sharks in your bathtub since you’re so eager to share your house with things that will eat you?
"Spiders will not eat you!" Karl half-shouted.
Or I could just put the spiders in the ocean and let them fight it out with the sharks. Winner moves into your house.
Photo credit: Tama66 (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.