Thursday, December 04, 2008

The Worst Christmas Gifts of 2008

The Worst Christmas Gifts for 2008

Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

Internet stupid heads and online store,, have released their list of the 10 worst presents to give someone this year, and it looks like a good one. These guys have created an online empire of stupid, tasteless, or just plain gross gifts, and they're probably rich as a result. So if anyone knows stupid gifts, it's these guys.

They sell the stuff people give as a gag gift. Stuff that Jeff Foxworthy mentions right after the words, "You might be a redneck, if. . ." Here are a few of the items that made their list.

Pole Dancer Alarm Clock – For the strip club aficionado in your life. The alarm sounds, the little blond dancer gyrates around the dance pole while disco lights flash, and she pretends to like you for as long as you have money. Future models will include a "tuck a buck" snooze button and a bouncer to throw you out of bed if you stay too long.

2009 Dog Poop Calendar – If you've ever said, "I just don't see enough dog poo these days," then this 12-month wall calendar is for you. Someone actually took the time to take high-resolution, professional quality photographs of dog doots arranged to match that month's theme. February is in the shape of a heart, September is surrounded by a green army man battle. I hate to think what December's entry is.

The "How to Tie a Tie" Tie – For the guy who has everything except for genetically imprinted man knowledge of tying a piece of silk around his neck. The tie is printed with a basic diagram, which will help any non-tie wearer with the complex act of self-strangulation. It would be even more helpful if the diagram was printed upside down. But rather than pay $14.99 for the tie, send me 10 bucks, and I'll send you a piece of paper with the instructions on it (shipping and handling not included).

Men's Underwear Repair Kit – Contains needle and thread, iron-on patches, duct tape, safety pins, and of course, White-Out. Or for the $9.95 price, you could just buy some new underwear.

I've got a few stupid gift ideas of my own to add. These didn't make's Big Stupid Christmas List, but they deserve their own special place.

The Bill Cosby Sweater – I tried not to grind my teeth when the 70s came back into style, and all the teenagers and college kids started wearing 35-year-old obnoxious colored patterns without any sense of irony or shame. I've been looking forward to the 80s – my decade – when Spandex, thin ties, and crazy stripes come back into fashion. But I'm dreading the return of the Cosby sweater.

The Cosby sweater was kind of cool back in the 80s. It was a technicolor force of nature. A rainbow tornado captured in 100% cotton. Salvador Dali and Henri Matisse's love child. Now they just look horrible. If, for no other reason than you love your fellow man, and would never, ever cause the suffering of another human being, don't ever buy the Cosby sweater for anyone. Not even as a joke.

Snuggie Sleeved Blanket – The blanket jacket for people stumped by the technological intricacies of a regular blanket. If you've seen the commercial lately, you've laughed out loud at the poor saps who struggle with the only technology older than the wheel, but younger than fire. Somehow this marvelous invention is supposed to eliminate all the headaches of the blanket by combining it with the ease of a backward bathrobe. Or you could just put on a backward bathrobe.

Songs in the Key of Hanukkah – No, I'm not being anti-Semitic. I just hate albums that use the phrase "Songs in the Key of—" in the title. Songs in the Key of Life (Stevie Wonder), Songs in the Key of Z (Irwin Chusid), Songs in the Key of Sea (Jon Edwards).

Erran Baron Cohen, brother of Sacha Cohen (Ali G, Borat), produced and performed Songs in the Key of Hanukkah. From the description, it actually sounds a little interesting, but the title ruined it for me.

Of course, none of these will ever beat the king of bad Christmas presents. Holder of the Worst Present Ever title for the last eight consecutive years is the Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish. It would sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and "Take Me to the River" whenever you walked by it.

Or as I like to call it Songs in the Key of Melted Plastic.

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