Friday, June 13, 2014

Diary of a Reluctant Single Man

I've had the house to myself for a couple of days, as my oldest daughter is at camp, and my wife took the other two kids to Chicago. So I've been hanging out with the dog, and keeping a diary of what has been happening.

7:00 am: Said good-bye to the family. I did a bunch of work earlier this week so I could sleep in, so I'll just stay in bed for a while.

7:05: Poop. Now I can't get back to sleep. Maybe I should just get up and do some work on my—

9:25: That's better. Nice to see my old high school tricks still work.

9:30: Walked around the house, hollering, just to make sure no one is here. Last time I thought I was home alone, I had a less-than-appreciative audience for my Dave Matthews Band retrospective.

9:31: It's finally happened. I have the whole house to myself for two days. That means I can do anything, eat anything, and leave a grand mess, because I don't have to answer to anyone. What should I do first?


9:50: Better feed the dog. Why does she always get so excited about the same thing every day? It's pressed beef sawdust and egg, but she goes bonkers for it three times a day.

9:51: Ooooooh, coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee! I love you so much, coffee!

10:30: Well, Other Erik, do you think you should get some work done? "It's funny you mention that, Erik. I was just thinking I should actually, you know, sit down and answer emails." That sounds like a great plan, Other Erik. You're a genius! "Thank you, sir! Might I compliment you on your staggering intellect as well."

10:31: They say talking to yourself is a sure sign of insanity. "I wouldn't worry about that. You're a high functioning crazy person, I think if you can maintain, they'll never notice."

11:45: The dog seems to be taking a keen interest in everything I do. I've been talking to her, but she doesn't answer.

3:30 pm: Ich habe nicht Deutsch in einem lange Zeit gesprochen. Ich sollte mein Deutsch laut zu üben. (I haven't spoken German in a long time. I should practice my German out loud.)

4:15: Mein Hund nicht Deutsch verstehen. Ich glaube, sie denkt, Ich bin verrückt. (My dog doesn't understand German. I think she thinks I'm crazy.)

4:25: I need to finish this marketing assessment for my client. But it's hard to stay motivated when it's so quiet in here. I need some music. Something with some raw power and high energy.


4:50: Time to feed the dog again. Seriously, dog, settle down. It's just freaking dog food.

5:10: Willst du nach draußen gehen? Willst du nach draußen gehen und machen ein Töpfchen? (Do you want to go outside? Do you want to go outside and make a potty?) See? She doesn't understand a word I'm saying. Either that, or she doesn't have to go.

5:11: I think the dog is being obstinate on purpose. She has taken to watching me while I work, just. . . staring at me. It's maddening. Her big eyes are boring into my soul. She wants something, but refuses to respond to my German-language inquiries.

5:20: I guess she really did have to pee. And I get to clean it up. Yay, me.

7:30: Nearly 12 hours alone, no one but the dog to talk to, and she's still pretending she doesn't understand German. But I see the flicker of recognition in her eyes! I've figured out her little game though. Oh yes, I'm on to you, little dog! You see, she's half poodle, which means she's half French. And she's only pretending she doesn't understand English and German, but in truth, she knows them both! J'accuse, maudit chien! (I accuse you, damn dog!)

7:31: Huh. She doesn't understand French either.

8:00: I need to eat dinner. Let's see, I could make, well, eggs or. . . eggs. Or I could boil some chicken, chop up some salad, and put some nice healthy Italian dressing on it.

8:30: Ah, pizza delivery, mankind's greatest invention.

12:00: Long, long day today. Got a lot of work done, spent time with the dog, and still got to watch some TV. Time for bed. Need to remember to lock the door. The dog is becoming unstable and paranoid. More tomorrow, if I survive the night.

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