How About "Look, We Need to Talk. . .?"

Erik is sick this week, and since he's a big fussy baby whenever that happens, we decided to run a reprint of a column from 2004.

Imagine disliking someone so much that rather than just breaking up with them, face to face, like an adult, you call in a bomb threat. It's one thing to stand someone up for a date, but it's an entirely different matter to call an airport and say, "There's a bomb in the airport."

Seven times.

That's what happened in 2004 to a Croatian woman in Germany. She phoned a bomb threat to the Dusseldorf International Airport so she could avoid going on vacation with her boyfriend last September.

28-year-old Marina Busbosnjac said that she didn't want to go to Spain with her boyfriend, but she didn't know how to tell him.

Marina had been trying to keep her relationship a secret from her parents, and apparently being gone for several days might have given them a hint that something was up.

"I didn't know how I would be able to tell my parents about a holiday with him, and I couldn't really say to him, 'Listen, my parents wouldn't approve.' I couldn't say. . . we couldn't travel," she told the Dusseldorf state court on Wednesday.

To avoid telling her parents and her boyfriend anything that might upset them, she instead phoned in seven separate bomb threats, claiming they were the work of al-Qaeda.

I don't know if the airport officials ever wondered, "Why is a German-speaking woman with a Croatian accent part of a Middle Eastern terrorist organization?" but at least they took the appropriate precautions to make sure everyone was safe.

As a result, Marina's attempt at avoiding an argument shut down Germany's third busiest airport for six hours, forced the evacuation of 15,000 people, and stranded 64,000 travelers for several hours.

She didn't say no when asked if she wanted to go to Spain with her secret boyfriend. She didn't lie to her parents and say she was going with a couple of girlfriends. She didn't even say, "I'm 28 years old. I can date anyone I want!"

Instead, she thought, "I'm going to threaten the lives of tens of thousands of people, and then everything will be OK."

Except, after receiving worldwide media attention, plus a conviction and being sentenced to two years of probation, the cat is pretty much out of the bag. But at least she didn't have to go on vacation with her boyfriend. Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

Unfortunately for Marina, her flight was delayed by several hours, but she was still able to take a romantic vacation with the man she was ashamed of.

If she had been smarter, she would have told the guy, "You know, with all these bomb threats, we should really cancel our plans." Then again, anyone who calls in seven bomb threats probably doesn't have a lot going on upstairs to begin with.

But if Marina was worried about being yelled at by her parents, that problem paled in comparison when she returned from her trip — the police arrested her boyfriend after they traced the seven calls to his mobile phone.

However, the boyfriend denied making the calls. And since police officers around the world take a very hopeful and optimistic view of human nature, his denials convinced them. (No, really!) So they looked at Marina as a suspect instead.

Now, not only do Marina's parents know about her boyfriend, but her boyfriend knows she's ashamed of him, and would rather commit a serious crime than go on a vacation with him, which may have put a damper on the memories of their time.

And if that wasn't enough, Marina could be hit with a 1.5 million Euro fine ($1.9 million) from the airport and the affected airlines.

Happily, I can say that none of my former girlfriends have ever gone to such lengths to break up with me. I was astute enough that it just took a subtle "I never want to see you again" in blood-red paint on my car for me to realize that the relationship was probably nearing its end.

So I have to wonder if Marina's unnamed boyfriend ever forgave her and whether the two are still together. And what about her parents? With any luck, they came to accept Marina's boyfriend as a welcome member of the family. And one day, Marina can tell her grandchildren this story and have a good laugh.

But in the future, keep her away from all telephones before any family functions.

Photo credit: Sahar Ahmed (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 3.0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.