Hey Karl, are you making any New Year's resolutions next year? I said.
"Why should I?" Karl said. "I'm already perfect."
I snorted into my Coke and barely kept it from coming out of my nose. We were sitting at First Editions on Friday, just five days before the New Year. We both needed a break from our families and snuck away from the barreling chaos for a quiet lunch.
"Where are you going?" my wife had demanded when I said I was leaving. "My family's here, and so are all the kids."
Oh, uh, I stammered. I've been having an affair, and I'm off to meet her at a seedy motel. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
"Uh-huh, sure. Tell Karl I said hi," she said, kissing me on the cheek. "And no cheeseburgers; remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure."
"What did your wife say about you coming?" Karl asked.
"No, I don't believe in that nonsense." He plonked his Coke on the table and took another bite of his grilled onion and Swiss cheese — uh, stir fry.
What, you don't believe in improving yourself?
Karl finished chewing before he answered. "No, I don't believe in that whole 'New year, new you' garbage. Like, why can't I improve myself any time of year? Why do I have to wait for the calendar to flip over to a new number to make a better version of myself?"
"Because the old version of you is a crotchety old grump whose only joy is pushing small children in the snow?"
"Hey, now!" exclaimed Karl, and then he paused for a moment. "I also enjoy puppies."
I stand corrected, I said. Anyway, the new year is a rebirth. In Ancient Rome, they made sacrifices to honor the Roman god, Janus, the two-faced god of beginnings and change. One face looked back on the past year, while the other face looked to the future.
"Don't get me wrong, Kid. Like I said, I'm all for self-improvement, but I've got my own system of trying to get better."
Oh? Does it involve sacrifices?
He ignored me. "For one thing, I make a — oh, call it a resolution, I guess — at the beginning of each month. I pick something I want to improve and focus on it for the month, sometimes two or three. That way, if I quit after a week, I can start again next month."
"I also follow the 'one percent every day' practice. That is, I try to improve something by one percent each day. It could be how far I walk, how many words I write, a new skill, and so on."
Wait, is that one percent from the day before or one percent from where you started three weeks ago? I said.
"Don't be obtuse. It's one percent each day."
So, if you improve over 50 days, then you're at 150% of your original skill. That means you have to improve 1.5% over the original each day, right?
Karl rolled his eyes and took another bite of his cheeseburger. "I guess so," he said. "I hadn't really thought about it."
I was undeterred. Don't you ever reach a stage where you just can't improve by one percent because that's just too great? I mean, wouldn't you be at a thousand percent of your total skill in three years? So, a 1% improvement would be 10% beyond your original starting point?
"You're overthinking this," Karl said. "Just work at getting better at something every day. It doesn't have to be the same thing. Maybe you run 17 yards farther when you run a mile. Do that every day, and pretty soon, you'll be at two miles. Or, in your case, try to get to the top of the stairs without stopping for a rest."
I flipped him my middle finger. Hey, look, I said, I got my finger to be two percent straighter than the last time I did that.
"Ha ha," he deadpanned. "OK, smart guy, what's your New Year's resolution? And don't say, 'My resolution is to not make any more resolutions.' You won't be the first person to say that."
I won't be the first person to say that today, I said. That joke's so overdone, my brother-in-law would order it for a steak. I took another bite of my salad, wiped at the bacon grease that dribbled down my chin, and thought for a moment.
I guess I'd like to start eating healthier, I said. Maybe just one percent healthier. And who knows, maybe in a hundred years, I'll be a vegan.
Photo credit: Geralt (Pixabay, Creative Commons 01)
DeltaWorks (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.