There are days as a humor columnist when the stars align, the humor gods smile, and fate blesses me. Days when, after struggling for days to come up with a topic, two stories fall into my lap at the same moment. Days when the muse taps me on the shoulder and says, "It's your time, young man. The world needs you."
Today is that day because I get to write about farts. Not like three weeks ago when I wrote about farts. This is a brand new day to write about farts and to see how many times I can say farts before my editor doesn't want me to say farts anymore.
Farts.
Some of you are no doubt outraged by me using this word. But I'm a stench supporter — staunch supporter! — of the Farts Amendment — First Amendment! — and sometimes, we have to talk about things we find distasteful.
Which means no one would ever dream of breaking wind in public, let alone making money from it.
Except someone is. Making money from it.
Nath Wyld, a former carpenter and male stripper in the UK, makes nearly $2,000 per month making videos of his farts.
Wyld by name, wild by nature, I guess. Nath has been on OnlyFarts — OnlyFans! — since 2017, earning over £101,000 ($100,000) per year by making X-rated content.
Not long after he started, he was earning enough money that he could leave his carpentry job. Now, he films custom videos in his bedroom, wearing different outfits and striking different poses. A couple years after he started, Wyld got his first request for a fart video. He thought it was weird, so he turned his nose up at it, as one does.
But then he got another, so he gave it a shot — not that kind — and the money started pouring in. Wyld says about 20% of his total income comes from fart videos.
"My family probably wasn’t thrilled about my new career, but it’s not like we’ve really talked about it," Wyld wrote in an article on Metro.co.uk.
Mother: Guess who I bumped into the other day. Mrs. Ferguson, Sheila's mother! You remember her, don't you? She was asking about you.
Wyld: Mum, please.
Mother: Apparently, Sheila's single now. Her divorce to Derek became final last August, and she's living at home these days.
Wyld: Not now, Mum.
Mother: Mrs. Ferguson asked if you were still a carpenter.
Wyld: Are we going to do this again?
Mother: I told her you were, of course. I mean, how does one tell one of her oldest friends that her son is a professional farter?
Wyld: It's not like that!
Mother: Why couldn't you just become a contract assassin or sell drugs or something less embarrassing?
Wyld: Could we talk about this another time?
Mother: What will you do if you end up like that poor girl who sold her farts in a jar and was hospitalized? What then? I just want grandchildren!
It's clearly a man's world, though, because Nath Wyld makes money with fart videos, but a Welsh woman was on trial for sending fart videos to her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.
Last month, Rhiannon Evans of Caernarfon, Gwynedd, pleaded guilty to harassment in Britain's first-ever cyber-farting case after sending repeated personal fart videos that were called "indecent or grossly offensive."
Nath Wyld makes $20,000 selling fart videos, but Rhiannon Evans can't even give them away without getting arrested? Someone needs to strike a blow against the patriarchy.
Not that kind.
Evans sent at least eight videos of her farting over a three-day period to Deborah Prytherch through WhatsApp in December. According to a probation officer, Evans had been dating Prytherch's ex for two years, and that there was some "bad blood" between them.
It was probably the burritos.
As Evans' lawyer, Harriet Gorst, explained, "There are some issues going on between Miss Evans’ partner and his ex-partner with regard to child contact."
That makes sense. If you can't send fart videos because of arguments between your boyfriend and his ex, then why do we even have cell phones?
Evans asked why she hadn't just been blocked.
Not that kind.
According to Gorst, Evans had been drinking at the time she sent the videos, but that she "sent them without malicious intent."
In the end, Evans got off lightly and avoided jail time. Instead, she needs to abstain from alcohol for 60 days (with monitoring), have 15 rehabilitation sessions, and has a two-year restraining order against her. She also had to pay £100 ($180) in compensation and £199 ($357) in court costs.
But if funds are a little tight, Nath Wyld may have a few ideas.
Photo credit: Helen Hortmann-Allen (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.