It’s an argument that has caused strife and anger on both sides of the aisle, led to shouted arguments during family gatherings, and generated political outrage on social media. People have held rallies, protested with signs, rioted, and even come to physical blows over this issue. It’s tearing our country apart.
The issue is whether it’s acceptable to pineapple on pizza, which, if you read the headline, you already knew that.
We are the organization, People Against Pineapple On Pizza, or PAPOP. We thought about calling it Pineapple’s Outrageous On Pizza, but that just led to embarrassing questions. However, that name reflects our sentiment on the sweet pizza topping.
This is our official FAQ about why pineapple is terrible on pizza and why PAPOP exists.
Q: What’s so bad about pineapple on pizza?
A: It tastes terrible. Next question?
Q: No, seriously. Be specific.
A: It specifically tastes terrible.
Q: Come on!
Besides, pineapple belongs on upside-down cake and fancy umbrella drinks, not pizza. Even Gordon Ramsey has said, "pineapple does not belong on pizza." Of course, the Rock said he enjoys pineapple and ham on his pizza, but I think he’s been hit in the head too many times.
Q: What about other horrible toppings like anchovies on pizza? Do you hate those, too?
A: Oh, no, I actually like anchovies. They’re a nice salty taste, if you don’t want to add a lot of meat to your pizza. And they’re great on a Caesar salad.
Q: I hate them. I think you guys should campaign against anchovies, too.
A: Look, we’re People Against Pineapple On Pizza. People Against Anchovies On Pizza would spell PAAOP, and that sounds dumb.
Q: Oh, and PAPOP doesn’t?
A: We don’t have to do this at all, you know.
Q: Alright. Where did the idea of putting pineapple on pizza come from in the first place?
A: Do you remember that scene in The Lord Of The Rings where the orcs were created? It was like that.
Q: No, it wasn’t. Don’t lie.
A: Fine, it was created in 1962 by Sam Panopolous, a restaurant owner in Chatham, Canada, who was experimenting with his brother. He put pineapple on pizza and called it Hawaiian pizza. Then he made hundreds of them and tried to overthrow Rohan.
Q: You mean like they serve pineapple and ham in Hawaii?
A: No, as legend has it, that was the brand name on the can that he used. Anyway, Sam and his brother liked the sweetness that contrasted with the saltiness of the ham, and his customers loved it, so it became popular. *deep sigh* Canadians, man.
Q: You’re telling me.
A: What are you gonna do?
Q: So are you saying that pineapple is bad?
A: Not at all. I actually like pineapple. It tastes great as an upside-down cake, it’s even good when cooked on a ham, and eating pineapple chunks by themselves is also good. It’s also great for little umbrella drinks. But as a pizza topping, it’s an abomination.
Q: Have you ever even tried pineapple on pizza?
A: You know, it’s considered an insult to even ask that question in some cultures.
Q: Really?
A: No, not really. To answer your question, yes, I did try it once. My sister-in-law loves pineapple on pizza, so she made me try it.
Q: And…? What happened?
A: Well, I didn’t die, if that’s what you mean. But it wasn’t great. I could see the appeal of it, and I could see why some people like it. But some people also cheer for the New England Patriots, so I’ve learned not to judge too harshly.
Q: What can you even do about it? It sounds like a never-ending battle. Uphill, even.
A: Absolutely. Working at PAPOP is a thankless job that has created a lot of heartache and scars for its members. But as our founder, Winston Prosciut-ill the great Dough-fender, said, we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the delivery round. We shall fight in the pizza parlors and in the street carts, we will fight in the kitchens. We shall never surrender, even if this nation or a large part of it were subjugated and starving.
Q: I think you’re being unreasonable and curmudgeonly.
A: And I think you’re loutish and vulgar, but here we are.
Photo credit: Famartin (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)
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