No one cares about your family tree.
I learned that years ago when I was working on my family’s genealogy. I was reading an article about doing family tree research, and that little piece of sunshine was right there in the article, ready to crush every genealogy enthusiast who found their great-great-grandfather’s birth certificate.
Don’t bore people with your research; no one cares about your family tree, the article grumped. Jerk.
That’s harsh, because we amateur genealogists get jazzed about the interesting things we learn about our ancestors and their place in history, and we get as chatty as vegan cross-fitters who just learned a new soy-based exercise regimen.
But I have a newspaper column, and you don’t, so I get to bore you with the things I’ve learned about my family tree recently.
Like the fact that Queen Elizabeth is my cousin.
More specifically, I’m the 14th cousin of Queen Elizabeth II Alexandra Mary Windsor.
Cousin Elizabeth and I can trace our lineage back through our mothers’ lines to Miles Hobart and Lady Eleanor Blennerhassett. They lived in the early 1500s and died in 1557, so I never really got to know them.
1557 was an interesting time to be alive. Roman Emperor Charles V had abdicated his role as King of Spain, Mary Tudor became Queen of England, and England declared war on France for the 18th time, and I think we all know how that turned out.
One of Miles and Eleanor’s sons, named Thomas, led to my line through my mother’s dad. Another of their sons, also named Thomas (don’t ask), led to the Queen’s line. So we have less of a family tree and more of a vine. And a mystery of why parents would give two kids the same name.
George Foreman did it when he named all five of his sons George, but he got hit in the head a lot. Miles and Eleanor were not boxers, as far as we know.
Mind you, I don’t know how accurate all this is. While it’s the Mormons’ ministry to document everyone in the world, they’ve had a lot of errors in their research over time, and this could just be more of the same.
Thirty years ago, when I was doing genealogy research, their online records listed my sister as my mother and my uncle-in-law as my brother, which didn’t instill me with a lot of confidence.
But their research and technology have gotten better, and their accuracy is greatly improved. So, according to them, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis is my 14th cousin, and King Charles is my 14th cousin once removed.
I know this "once removed" thing is confusing, but it basically means the number of generations you are removed from your cousin. Here’s how it works.
Let’s say your mom and my dad are siblings, which means you and I are first cousins. You have a kid, which makes her my first cousin once removed. I have a kid, and now your kid and mine are second cousins.
Then they each have kids (our grandchildren), and those kids are third cousins. But at the same time, your grandchild is my cousin twice removed. And so on.
It gets complicated, so you’re better off just smiling and nodding whenever someone says, "Abraham Lincoln is my 5th cousin five times removed."
I mention that because Abraham Lincoln is my 5th cousin five times removed. In other words, Lincoln died in 1865, but my line continued on for five more generations.
But it doesn’t end there. According to FamilySearch, I have some pretty high-falutin’ roots! George Washington is my 4th cousin 10 times removed, his wife, Martha, is my 4th cousin nine times removed, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt is my 7th cousin four times removed.
The roots of my family tree have spread far and wide, all through my mother’s side of the family. I’m also very distantly related to John Wayne, Harper Lee, Shirley Temple, the Wright Brothers, Adam West, Bob Ross, Lucille Ball, Walt Disney, and Mister Rogers.
Again, I don’t know how accurate this all is. Is this a miscalculation that goes back to the 1600s or 1700s? Did a relative get mislabeled and assigned to the wrong family, which means I’m not actually related to anyone famous? Or is this just a ploy to get me to pay for FamilySearch, sort of like Publisher’s Clearinghouse?
Maybe they’ll mail me a big envelope with a picture of Winston Churchill (7th cousin twice removed) that says, "You may already be in line for the throne!!"
Except a few hundred people would have to die before I’m ever asked to rule England, so I’m not holding my breath. Still, it sounds like a great premise for a remake of the movie "King Ralph."
Except you probably don’t care about all that.
Photo credit: Presidencia de la República Mexicana
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.