You’re doing it wrong.
Whatever it is you’re doing, it’s wrong. No matter how long you’ve done it, someone always discovers a different way of doing it and says you’re doing your way all wrong.
Sleeping? Wrong. Peeling a banana? Nope, wrong. Going to the bathroom? You couldn’t be any wronger.
(See? Even that’s wrong.)
You’re even eating your hamburgers wrong, said an article by some Gen Z intern whose only hamburgers come with apple slices and a toy.
"You have to turn the burger upside down to keep the bottom bun from falling apart from all the burger juice!"
Seriously, that’s your big discovery? You needed 500 words to tell us, "turn it over?" That’s hardly revolutionary.
Technically, it’s half-revolutionary, but that’s beside the point.
I’ve been flipping my burgers for years, so don’t tell me you discovered this amazing new technique that absolutely no one has ever thought of. There is literally a 50/50 chance of discovering it every time we eat one.
Besides, you missed really useful advice, like putting the cheese on the bun first, and then the burger. Or, let the burger rest on a plate for a minute, instead of going directly from grill to bun. Or cut the burger in half to reduce the amount of bun getting squished in your fingers.
Or, yes, just turn it over, Einstein. Good job. Now go do something useful.
Except, it turns out, we are doing a lot of things wrong, and our bodies are paying the price.
You can get tennis elbow from playing tennis too much. Or there’s golfer’s elbow, which is like tennis elbow, only you’re more insufferable.
There’s boxer’s fracture, which is when you break the pinkie bone inside your hand. It’s caused by punching someone incorrectly, which makes the other person say, "You’re punching me wrong." Which is how you broke your other hand.
Bowler’s thumb is a numbing sensation caused by the additional strain on your thumb when you release the ball. There’s baseball finger, where the tendon at the tip of your finger is torn, and you can’t fully extend your finger. And there’s driver’s finger, which is caused by people going slow in the left lane.
They’re concerned because they realized your vanity is how they make money, and they have a vested self-interest in making you feel less attractive.
It’s not that you’re getting new lines or doing something to cause more of them. Rather, it’s that the beauty companies want you to think they’re getting deeper and more crevasse-like, and they can only be eliminated with costly plastic surgery and prohibitively expensive serums and skincare products.
It’s not true, but it’s what they want you to think. They don’t make any money by letting you feel good about yourselves.
Procter & Gamble launched a neck-lifting treatment with the tagline "Tech Neck Got You Down? Give It a Lift." RoC started offering a moisturizer stick that targets tech neck. And over the past two years, plastic surgeon Dr. Sam Rizk has seen a 25% increase in patients in their mid-30s who want neck lifts.
Now, to be sure, these lines are happening, but you have them anyway. Are they getting so deep that your dermatologist heard an echo when she was looking into them? No, not at all. Are small children running away and screaming whenever you hold your head up and look straight ahead? Absolutely not.
But they know you’re not going to buy a moisturizer stick if you aren’t concerned about something on your body.
Besides, if you’re going to worry about anything, worry about your posture. Worry about what leaning forward like that is doing to you. Did you know that holding your neck at a 45-degree angle is like lifting a 49-pound weight? The best way to use your phone is to lie in bed on your side and scroll for two hours when you should really be going to sleep.
Tech neck is actually about your physical health, like your neck and shoulder muscles overworking and cramping up, not whether your self-esteem is tied to what beauty companies say you should look like.
Better yet, don’t spend so much time on your phone. That’s going to be difficult given that Americans spend an average of 5 hours and 16 minutes a day on their phones, with Gen Zers spending more than 6.5 hours per day.
They need to be more social in person, talk to people face-to-face, and get outside more. Spend more time speaking with friends, experiencing the world, and enjoying the things that life has to offer.
Because they’re doing it wrong.
Photo credit: Alexas_Fotos (Pixabay, Creative Commons)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.