It’s one of the most important sporting events in the world, and all eyes are on the competitors every time it comes around. There’s always plenty of running, sliding, tripping, tumbling, and horrific injuries, including broken limbs and smashed faces. Then, the victors hoist the beloved trophy over their heads as thousands of people cheer.
I’m talking about the world-famous Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling competition that takes place every year on Cooper’s Hill in Gloucester, England.
Why? What did you think I was talking about?
This year’s Cheese Rolling happened on the last Monday of May, or Whit Monday. That’s the day after Pentecost, which marks the end of the 90-day Easter season. And just as Mardi Gras ends the day before Lent, dozens of maniacs choose Whit Monday to hurl themselves down a huge hill in pursuit of a seven-pound wheel of Double Gloucester cheese. So, like Mardi Gras, but with more bruising, probably.
I don’t see what all the fuss is over a wheel of Double Gloucester. The best cheese in the world is a Gouda from the Netherlands, according to the 2026 World Cheese Championship. And the Netherlands doesn’t have any real hills to speak of, so I could easily run after a Gouda wheel.
I wouldn’t catch it, but I could run after it.
The Cheese Rolling hill is 200 yards long and has a total gradient of 50%, or a 27-degree angle, although the first 20 meters is a 45-degree angle. If you could turn Cooper’s Hill into a 2-mile ski run, it would actually be the steepest, most punishing ski race on the planet.
The kind of hill that would make professional skiers go, "Oh, screw this!" and do something less dangerous, like base jumping with an umbrella into a shark tank.
But running down is a different matter. This is where you ride gravity like you stole it, and hope your insurance covers what happens next.
The winning cheese racer can reach the bottom in about nine or ten seconds and will reach speeds of 30 miles per hour. The wheel of cheese can hit 80 miles per hour.
The key to winning the Cheese Rolling race is to have complete disregard for your safety. Start running, and then hurl yourself out into space as far as you can go. The higher and farther you can jump, the more ground you’ll cover while airborne, and the fewer times your body will smash into the ground.
The faster you go, the higher you bounce. The higher you bounce, the farther you go. The farther you go, the fewer opportunities to shatter your bones.
I watched several videos of cheese chasers, with some racers flying more than 20 feet down the hill, turning at least one-and-a-half somersaults in mid-air, landing on their backs, heads, or feet — sometimes simultaneously — before bouncing out into space once again, slipping the surly bonds of Earth and touching the face of God.
This year, German YouTuber Tom Kopke, also known as Tooleko, held onto his championship status for the third year in a row. He even beat 23-time cheese-chasing champion Chris Anderson near the finish line to do it.
"The entire race, I saw Chris in front of me, and I had to get him," Kopke told the BBC after he survived. "This was, I think, my best year ever, and I tried to stay on my feet for as long as possible. I think I got a good recovery on the middle of the hill and then sprinted the rest."
Anderson even came out of retirement to race Kopke this year, but alas, luck was not on his side. Still, Kopke needs to win 20 more times to break Anderson’s world record.
Cheese racing is an Anderson family tradition, as well. Anderson’s son William, 11, and nephew Xander, 16, both won in the children’s uphill races.
William said his race was "good and tiring," and that he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps to compete in the men’s downhill race one day. And buttprints. And elbow holes. And head divots.
Xander said he couldn’t feel his legs during the race. I imagine there were several competitors who couldn’t feel their legs after the adult races, but that was just spinal trauma.
The other winners included Niels, a football fan from the Netherlands. And Ariel Dempsey from Michigan made the United States proud, winning her Big Wheel for a second time.
Sadly, none of this is for me. I’ve long passed the age where competitively hurtling my body through the air seemed like a sensible thing to do.
Of course, I’ve never been accused of doing anything sensible, and if there’s cheese involved, I will knock you down without a second thought.
Photo credit: Ozzy Man Reviews (Click this link to see his video.)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.