It's my 30-year anniversary this week. My newspaper column anniversary, that is.
I have been writing this newspaper humor column for 30 years. That's 1,560 weeks in a row without ever missing a deadline. My first columns were terrible, though, and I hope no one ever tries to read them. In fact, the first ten years were awful because I was still learning how to do this. So please avoid them; they're horrible.
There are only three things that I've done in my life longer than writing this column:
- Had a mustache (39 years);
- Had a goatee (33 years);
- Been married (31 years).
So, now clocking in at number four is "Written a newspaper column (30 years)." I mean, that's been number four for the last two years, but it was only today that I hit the three-decade mark.
I've done a lot of things in this time — some notable, others cringeworthy. But that's for another column. And a new identity.
Two of the jobs had terrible bosses. One was a guy who didn't know how marketing worked, let alone business, and so he missed a critical opportunity to remain the number one company in his industry, and never got back on top. His company slowly failed and was bought out by the new number one company.
The other boss was a bully and a tyrant, and the only reason she kept her job was because she was a political appointee who ended up firing herself in the end. Remember how the giant, killer robot from "The Incredibles" was tricked into destroying itself? Like that, only more enjoyable.
I had a chance to take over a small startup that I had joined. After working for those two bosses, I figured I couldn't do any worse. Sixteen years later, so far, so good.
In the last 30 years, we've lived in six different houses. One in Syracuse, Indiana, four in Indianapolis, and one in Orlando. As a lifelong Hoosier, I never actually wanted to leave the state, but my wife wanted to move to Florida, and I wanted to stay married. I love being from Indiana, but I love my wife more.
Sorry, guys, mates before states.
In the last 30 years, we've had six dogs, two of which live with us now and are the most annoying dogs we've ever had because they bark at everything. At night, when they're sleeping, they're little angels. But whenever they hear something suspicious, which is everything, they go nuts.
If one of us comes home, they go bonkers, convinced that we're burglars. They bark if someone knocks on the door. They bark if a car pulls into the driveway. They bark if a car pulls into someone else's driveway. And they bark if a car door closes three houses away.
My next dog is going to be a fish.
In the last 30 years, I've owned five cars: A Toyota, a GMC pickup, a Dodge, a Kia, and a Volkswagen. I've easily driven more than a million miles in that time, most of it spent taking my kids somewhere.
Speaking of kids, in the last 30 years, we've raised three of them. I had been writing this column for over two years when our family expanded.
When we first got my oldest daughter — all my kids were adopted — she was afraid of my goatee, and I wondered if I should shave it off, but my wife said she would get used to it. So I stuck her hand in it so she could see it was just hair. She yanked it and laughed. I have not offered to shave off my goatee for any child since then. After 33 years, I ain't shavin' for nobody.
We even have a two-year-old grandchild (see "oldest child" above), and I won't shave my goatee for him either.
It's weird saying "I have a grandson" because 17 years ago, I wrote a column about my reluctance in turning 40. I had never been 40 before, and I wasn't sure what was expected of me.
Was I supposed to complain about the government? Offer unwanted opinions to people who never asked? Complain about other people's parenting failures or make unnecessary comments about a person's lifestyle?
I've managed to avoid that, but according to my social media feeds, few people have done so. No one asked for your opinion, so keep quiet about whatever is on your mind.
It's been three decades since I started writing this column, thinking I would only do it for a year or two and then run out of things to say. In all that time, I finally developed my style, I've written books, and I've even written several screenplays and stage plays, so being a humorist has created a lot of opportunities for me. But mostly, I'm just proud to have hit this milestone.
Assuming I counted everything correctly, and it's not actually next week.
Photo credit: Prathyusha Mettupalle (Pexels, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.