I am not a hunter, I have never hunted, and until a few days ago, I was never going to hunt.
That all changed last week when I applied for a unicorn hunting license.
You can get a unicorn hunting license from Lake Superior State University in northern Michigan. They are the only university in the country to grant unicorn hunting licenses, and they'll give one to anyone who asks. It's not a very exclusive club, I'll admit, but then again, not everyone has the ability or knowledge to hunt unicorns.
Bill Rabe, LSSU's PR director, created the school's unicorn hunting program in 1971, around the same time that he created the Banished Words List that I write about every year. The unicorn hunting program attracted the attention of several national and regional news outlets, who all tried their hand at finding one of the elusive creatures.
You can get your own unicorn hunting license. Go to LSSU's unicorn hunting website, fill out the form, and they'll email your license to you in about six weeks. The Internet must be really slow in northern Michigan.
Once mine arrives, I will be an official unicorn hunter and can hunt for them in earnest wherever and whenever I'd like.
You can't actually kill them, of course. In fact, the licenses have been renamed "questing licenses." LSSU changed the name in 1977 because of public concerns over dwindling unicorn herds. But the hunters themselves are still called Unicorn Hunters, because it sounds cool. Plus, you don't want to have to explain "It means 'hunting,' we just don't call it that" over and over.
As a Unicorn Hunter, you have to follow a few simple but critical rules.
1. Pay no dues.
2. Attend no meetings.
3. Be nice to people and unicorns alike.
I'm happy to not pay dues, but I'm stoked about this "attend no meetings" rule. I just don't know whether it refers only to unicorn hunting meetings, or does it apply to all meetings in general? I'm going to try it out on other meetings I normally avoid.
Boss: "Hey, Erik, we need you to come to this kick-off meeting for our new committee. We're going to spend four hours writing a mission statement."
Me: "Ooh, sorry, I'm not allowed to attend meetings. I have a unicorn hunting license."
Boss: "I'm pretty sure that's not how it works."
Me (running out the door): "Can't take any chances. Byeeeeeee!"
The season is a little unusual. It goes from February 15 to February 13 the following year. There is no questing done on February 14th "during the 24 hours of love," according to the Unicorn Questing Regulations.
Also, bow-and-arrow hunting season runs the first week of October, although you can only use rubber-tipped arrows.
This seems a bit unfair, as unicorns aren't using rubber-tipped horns when they try to gore you. Still, it should be OK, as no one has ever reported being gored during a unicorn hunt.
So far.
Finally, you can hunt any time of the day or night, except when the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus are around. "There's only so much magic available at one time," says the Department of Natural Unicorns' website.
You are only allowed to bag one unicorn per month, and it must be a male unicorn; female unicorns may not be taken. However, no one has ever seen a female unicorn, and it's believed that male unicorns reproduce asexually, just like starfish, aphids, and high school math teachers.
A few of the questing supplies they recommend include a flask of cognac, a curry comb, pinking shears, a hoof and horn trimmer, hoof and horn polish, and books about King Arthur or by Geoffrey Chaucer.
Finally, if you have any tips about how to hunt unicorns, the Department of Natural Unicorns asks that you please share them. This is the one that I plan on using.
What you do is take a long book like the Canterbury Tales, maybe. You'll also need a telescope, a pair of tweezers, and a matchbox. Go into the woods on a warm summer day and read the book. And because it's a long book and a warm day, you'll soon fall asleep.
Soon, a unicorn will come to investigate. They're naturally curious and will start reading your book. And because it's a long book and a warm day, they will also fall asleep.
Eventually, you'll wake up and spot the sleeping unicorn. Look at the unicorn through the wrong end of the telescope, and he will appear very small. Grab him with the tweezers and place him in the matchbox. And now you have your unicorn for the month.
I can't take credit for this particular unicorn-hunting method. I actually learned it years ago, when I was a kid growing up in Indiana, only then we used it for catching alligators.
And there are just as many alligators in Indiana as there are unicorns, so I hope my fellow Hoosier unicorn hunters will dust off their alligator-hunting skills, polish up their telescopes, and find a really long and boring book.
Just remember to be nice to people and unicorns alike, or you may get your license revoked and have to start attending meetings again.
Photo credit: Peggy_Marco (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.