What is it with dudes wanting to fight animals? I keep reading news stories about whether dudes could fight certain animals, or at least believe they could fight animals.
There was a viral meme this week about whether 100 guys could fight a silverback gorilla. There was a story about new evidence that Roman gladiators fought lions. Two years ago, another story said 8% of men thought they could beat a lion in a fistfight.
And exactly one year ago, guys got upset that women said they would rather meet a bear out in nature instead of a man. In their attempts to defend the delicate male ego, dude after dude kept shouting, "That's stupid! How are you even going to fight the bear?"
Who said anything about fighting a bear, Carl? The original question was "Which would you rather meet," not "Which would you rather face in gladiatorial combat?"
Guys were upset because the bear is actually pretty cool and won't shout "#NotAllMen!" whenever a woman talks about how she was hassled while playing video games.
Which brings me back to my original question: Why do dudes want to fight animals? What are they trying to prove? We already know they're trying to overcome their shortcomings because the jacked-up pickups they drive in the city told us.
So, no, they won't win an animal fight. They don't even know how to fight an animal, especially the dudes who think they can beat the lion with their fists.
After all, these are lions, not some other dude who looked at your girlfriend in the club. Lions weigh 350 pounds, have three-inch claws, and just wanted to buy her a drink to be nice.
I suppose you could fight a lion. Anybody could fight a lion. But it's not one you would survive. It would literally be a two-hit fight: the lion hitting you, your guts hitting the floor.
But, like the dudebros who think they know about finance because their parents bought them some stocks, these idiots think they can wrestle an angry lion to the ground.
Easy there, Samson, the only jawbone of an ass around here is holding up your chin.
Let's get back to this gorilla-versus-100-dudes fight.
You can find the 100 guys, no problem — get the ones who get mad when you make jokes about their pickups. But finding a gorilla who wants to face off against 100 over-compensators is going to take some doing. #NotAllGorillas
Also, do we get to pick the guys? Are we talking 100 random guys, or are we looking for MMA fighters and kung fu practitioners? What about 100 Bruce Lees or 100 Chuck Norrises? Or maybe clone Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Jason Momoa 50 times each.
Also, is the fight to subdue the gorilla, or is it to the death? If it's to the death, I would like to change the guys we're actually picking. If it's to subdue the gorilla, does he have to show the same restraint? Or he could fly into a rage and scream, "For Harambe!"
How would the fight even go down? Do they do it like a Jackie Chan movie, where everyone circles around the gorilla and then rushes in one at a time, while the gorilla flings everyone around? Eventually, the gorilla will wear down after killing the first third of his attackers and maiming the second before the final third are able to successfully subdue him and prove that, indeed, 100 men are stronger and mightier than a single gorilla.
Meanwhile, the 100th guy is going to start buying drinks for the first group of guys' girlfriends at the club and offering a shoulder to cry on.
Or should they all rush him at once and pile on en masse? The sheer weight of 100 dudebros would be 20,000 pounds, and they could just crush the gorilla. This is an unfair advantage, though, because the gorilla has been taking kickboxing lessons and wouldn't get to show his moves.
As happens on the Internet these days, the 100-men-versus-gorilla debate brought out all the crazies and "Well, Actually" guys who debated the question and offered up numerous strategies, no doubt gained from their years of fighting gorillas and other wildlife.
"Just get a couple guys to hold down each arm and then a few more guys to grab his legs, and it's game over!"
"No, get a bunch of ninjas to sneak up behind the gorilla."
"No! No, dude! Just, you know, tell John Wick that the gorilla killed his dog."
We'll never really know the answer to this debate, since 100 men attacking a gorilla would be cruel, and we're (supposedly) more civilized than watching people try to kill each other for sport. But then I read the news and laugh at my own naiveté, so I don't cry.
On the other hand, teach the gorilla how to do pro wrestling, and I'll pay to watch that.
Photo credit: RedGazelle15 (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.