A lot of people believe in astrology and believe their fortunes are determined by the time of year they were born. I think it's a bunch of hooey.
Other people think our zodiac signs determine our personalities, which is still hooey. Does that mean everyone born between late June and early July has the same personality type as mine?
Watch out, families of Cancer babies. You're in for a wild ride.
It's silly to believe there are only 12 calendar-based personality types. That means that more than 8 billion people in the world, 667 million people all have the same personality.
There are nearly 700 million Scorpios stamping through life like they're on a telenovela during sweeps week. Or 700 million Leos are sashaying into every room with all the drama of a disgruntled prom queen.
To make matters worse, a personality expert now claims there are only five distinct personality types, based solely on where you sit in a car.
According to Motorway, the British online car shopping site, Dr. Martha Newson of the University of Greenwich has decoded the hidden meanings behind our preferred car seat spots.
She starts with the Cruise Commander, which is my main personality. The driver, the pilot, the car captain. He or she takes the driving duties because they like to be in control. They're practical, reliable, and prefer structure over spontaneity.
According to Dr. Newson's research — which presumably involved throwing animal bones on the ground and consulting ancient scrolls — the Cruise Commander sees themselves as more diplomatic and decisive than anyone else in the car. They don't like to be the passenger in someone else's car and prefer trips by themselves.
OK, this one is true. I would much rather drive than be driven. I don't like taking an Uber, I don't like getting a ride from a friend. And when given a choice between flying to Indiana or driving the 1,000 miles by myself, let's just say I'll see you in 20 hours.
Dr. Newson says that Cruise Commanders enjoy the solitude and find it hard to relax if they're not in charge.
You say that like it's a bad thing, Doc.
But she has a point: When I'm the Cruise Commander, I'm in charge of the radio.
Riding shotgun is the Passenger Princess, who is in charge of navigation and snacks.
Shotgun? More like shot-fun!
Sexist label aside, the Passenger Princess enjoys leaving their travel worries to someone else. They're happy to go along for the ride, but make themselves useful by spotting speed traps.
While I am happy to drive myself, I'm happy to serve as the Passenger Princess when I ride in my wife's car. While this did drive me crazy when we were first married (see what I did there?), I have since mellowed out and don't tell her when she needs to PASS THIS IDIOT. HE'S GOING 10 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT IN THE LEFT LANE!
Also, when I'm the Passenger Princess, I'm in charge of the radio.
The Backseat Boss is a wildcard. Sitting behind the passenger seat, they're the entertainment director, but will back off and hide in their own world later.
Dr. Newson says Backseat Bosses thrive on spontaneity and are romantics at heart. They see daily life as an adventure, not a means to an end. They may enjoy chatting with everyone in the car, but they'll also zone out and stare out the window.
I am sometimes relegated to this role when one of my kids races out the front door before me so they can nab the front seat. I'll accept it for short trips less than 15 minutes, but anything more, and I'll ground them, I don't care how old they are.
Also, as the Backseat Boss, I'm in charge of the radio.
The Tranquil Traveler sits on the other side of the car, behind the driver. Dr. Newson says they create their own calm on a road trip, packing noise-canceling headphones, earplugs, and a podcast playlist. But the Tranquil Traveler isn't a sit-back-and-take-it type: They'll express their discomfort when they need to because they value their peace, comfort, and will not hesitate to shriek that their sibling is on their side of the line.
When I'm the Tranquil Traveler, I'm in charge of the radio.
The Middle Seat Mystery is the least favored seat in the car, according to Dr. Newson's research, as only 1% of British drivers prefer this spot.
It's the most awkward and uncomfortable spot, and these 1% weirdos love it. That's because it's the best spot to start conversations, offer opinions, and make sure no one feels left out of the group dynamic. They're part of the backseat crew, but they've got easy access to the front-seat fun.
I hate being the Middle Seat Mystery, mostly because I'm a big guy and everyone is just squishing me. Plus, the other passengers are on my side of the line.
One consolation, though: When I'm the Middle Seat Mystery, I'm in charge of the radio.
Photo credit: Didi454545 (PXHere.com, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.