Last week, I wrote about the Florida Man birthday challenge, and how you could Google "Florida Man," plus your birthday month and date, to see which type of Florida Man or Woman you are. And I realized we need Florida Man/Woman zodiac signs — your Flordiac symbol, as it were.
In my new Flordiac system, your star sign is based on the category of Florida Man story that appears on your birthday challenge. I matched 12 of the most popular categories on FloridaMan.com to zodiac signs that best personify that category. Which means you could have a Flordiac sign that doesn’t match your star sign, but that’s OK, since it’s all a bunch of hooey anyway.
Aries, the ram, is matched up with Fights. You’re fiery and impulsive, and willing to throw hands over lawn ornaments or start a fight with an inanimate object. You make headlines like "Florida Man Arrested for Fist Fight with Gas Pump, Then Picks Fight with Wall."
I connected Taurus, the bull, with Vehicles, because I’ve driven a Ford Taurus many times and have never enjoyed it. Taurus, you treat the check engine light as a suggestion, so don’t be totally surprised when your car dies at a Waffle House at 3:00 a.m. You’ve spawned headlines like "Florida Man Drives Airboat Through Neighborhood Streets."
Cancer, the crab, is connected to Food because you love comfort and family. What’s more comforting than enjoying a nice cheeseburger in your car? Throwing it at your girlfriend. You star in headlines like "Florida Man Accused of Attacking Girlfriend with a Banana" or "Florida Man Slaps Florida Woman with Cheeseburger."
Leos, the lion, are the Fails. You hate humiliation, which means watching you spectacularly fail is truly ironic. And enjoyable. Any time you try to draw attention to yourself, you end up getting hurt. Your TikTok videos start with, "Hey, y’all, watch this!" and end with a call for an ambulance.
Virgos, the Virgin, are Collectors. You’re neat freaks, organizers, and everything has to be just so — Star Wars, Star Trek, Babylon-5 — anything to cement your Virgo-inity. Your need for order peaked as you alphabetized your stolen traffic cones.
Libra, the scales, are Jerks. You want balance and fairness, but only when it benefits you. Otherwise, you shriek "DEI! DEI!" and think you’re being replaced by whoever Fox News told you to be afraid of. You scream at fast food workers and fight over doughnuts
Scorpio, the Scorpion, earns the Drugs tag. You’re mysterious, intense, and occasionally destructive — you give off meth-lab-in-a-storage-unit vibes. Look for Scorpio Transformation on the horizon, mostly because you’re turning a Waffle House bathroom into a makeshift chemistry lab.
Since Sagittarius is the archer, Weird Weapons is your sign. Nothing says Sagittarius like flinging an alligator through a drive-thru at a Wendy’s, or trying to rob a Publix with a stapler. Martial artists may be able to turn anything into a weapon, but you shouldn’t. Still, alligator nunchucks sound pretty cool.
Regular Capricorns believe in rules and strict discipline, so they’re connected to Dumb Criminals, the opposite of Capricorn energy: you lack discipline and you love breaking the rules. Your ambition shines, but the execution is terrible. Like when you trip over your flip-flops fleeing from a bank you just robbed, dropping your wallet on your way out. You inspire headlines like "Florida Man Wearing Only Underwear Steals Mail, Attacks Homeowner" or "Florida Man Carrying Pelosi’s Lectern Arrested."
Aquarius, the water bearer, are the Animals of the Flordiac star chart. You love animals, but that means trying to ride a manatee or keeping a pet cougar in your apartment to stop the alligator in the bathroom from escaping. "Florida Man Tries to Get Alligator Drunk, Gets Bitten" sums you up nicely.
Pisces, the fish, are the Drunks: the dreamy, emotional, escapist. You’re the ones chugging Fireball at 10 a.m. and then telling cops you’re "just vibing. We’ll find you napping in a stranger’s koi pond after a couple of bottles of Boone’s Farm, Croc shoes floating safely nearby. You brought us "Florida Man Found Drunk, Naked and Asleep Outside; Punches Cop That Wakes Him." Still, I’ve been rudely awakened from naps before, so I can’t fault you for being upset.
Florida Men and Women, while your life can’t be ruled by the position of the sun in the sky when you were born, living in the Sunshine State hasn’t helped matters.
Think twice before you act, and if you can imagine your next decision turning into a news headline, put the alligator down, return the keys to the bulldozer, and go home to sleep it off. You can get some doughnuts for breakfast in the morning.
Photo credit: A 16th-century German woodcut print of the twelve signs of the zodiac
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.