I realized I had made it as a newspaper columnist when a PR flack (public relations agent) emailed me about "this exclusive study from QS Supplies on how much our bathroom routines TRULY cost us."
I made it, Ma! Top of the world!
Someone had a story idea about toilet usage, and they thought of me first? If that doesn’t put a cap on a 30-year humor career, then all this has been for nothing.
QS Supplies in Leicester, England (pronounced "Leicester, England") surveyed 1,000 people in the U.S. and U.K. to learn about people’s bathroom habits, specifically how much time they spend in the most popular room in the house.
(Sorry, kitchens.)
For one thing, they found that the average person makes 2,920 bathroom trips per year, 2,190 for #1 and 730 for… other reasons. That number doubles when you hit 50, and two-thirds of the visits are in the middle of the night.
Another fun fact: Americans spend an average of 38 minutes per day in the bathroom, while Brits only spend 32 minutes per day, which is their loss: You can listen to Gordon Lightfoot’s "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" in that extra six minutes, which is what most Americans are probably doing. The Brits are just using that found time to boil eggs to make dippy eggs and toast soldiers.
This total time works out to 138 hours, or six total days per year, of bathroom time for the Americans, and 117 hours, or five days, per year for the Brits. That’s a lot of toast soldiers.
Plus, 27% of Americans report spending more than an hour in the bathroom every day, which equals more than 15 days in an entire year. Anyone who’s had teenage daughters knows that number is on the low side.
For there to be a 38-minute average, there has to be a low and a high, and QS Supplies broke that figure down along generational lines.
Gen Z tops the list at 39 minutes in the bathroom per day, which is roughly ten days per year. Meanwhile, the Boomers are bringing up the rear at 30 minutes per day, which is about seven-and-a-half days.
There's a simple explanation for this difference: According to a Harmony Healthcare study, Gen Z spends six hours and 27 minutes per day on their phone, and Boomers only spend four hours and 19 minutes. I’m guessing a lot of this phone time is spent in the bathroom.
But a third study from the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center says you’re 46% more likely to suffer hemorrhoids if you use your smartphone on the toilet. So, for your own sake, turn off TikTok when you tinkle. No more Facebook in the facilities. No more Threads on the throne. No more Instagram in the ivory tower. No more Pinterest while you’re… other reasons.
Americans may also smell better than their British cousins, because we spend $25 per month on bathroom hygiene products — shampoo, soap, toothpaste, and so on — compared to $16 per month for the British. This could mean any number of things: 1) We really do smell better, 2) we’re over-perfumed and over-scented, or 3) bathroom hygiene items cost a lot less in England than they do here. Given that they’re not facing idiotic tariffs, that’s probably the most likely.
Another key finding is that the British spend 61 hours per year, or two-and-a-half days, in the shower, but Americans spend about 85 hours, which is roughly three-and-a-half days. They should have talked to my son because he hit that 85-hour mark in the first week of January.
This extra bathroom time costs a lot of money as well. Not only does the average American household pay more per year for water and sewer services ($912 vs. $660), but on average, Americans deal with two plumbing problems annually, while the Brits only report one issue per year. But in both cases, Americans and Britons spend $75 per year on their plumbing problems.
This is a major flaw in the study, because there is no way an American plumber is charging $75 for a single plumbing issue, let alone two together. He’s got a boat payment to make, and he’s not leaving your house for less than $200. Per trip.
We’re also creatures of habit, and we refuse to change, both Americans and Britons: Nearly 29% of Americans and 27% of Britons say they have not made any changes to their bathroom habits in the past year to save money.
One money-saving tip that we could all stand to follow: 39% of Brits and 35% of Americans say they turn off the tap while they’re brushing their teeth.
Let’s think about this. It takes two minutes to properly brush your teeth, and you should do it twice a day. (That’s nearly two-and-a-half days per year brushing your teeth.)
But 61% of Brits and 65% of Americans don’t do that, which means one of two things. 1) You’re wasting an awful lot of water by running it for two whole minutes, or 2) You’re not using that much water because brushing your teeth for the recommended two minutes.
I’ll just say that, having spoken with many people over the years, I can confirm that they need to spend about 90 more seconds with the toothbrush.
Maybe this is why we spend more on bathroom hygiene products.
Photo credit: Zukunftssicherer (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.