I rode a scooter for the first time ever a few weeks ago, and it may be one of the funnest things I have ever done.
I never rode a scooter when I was a kid. And despite what people may think, I did not grow up in the time of motoring around on apple crates nailed to roller skates like the Little Rascals.
(Ask your grandparents what that is.)
It was an amazing feeling, too. Wind blowing through my hair, that feeling of flying, the sensation of trying not to hit pedestrians while simultaneously looking down on them. Just me and Gomer (Go more. Get it?) racing down the sidewalk at a sound-barrier-shattering 12 miles per hour.
Now, I can drive my car 90 miles per hour (unless the police are reading this; then I always go the speed limit), but that doesn’t compare to the exhilaration of standing on an electric skateboard with handlebars.
Several years ago, Lime launched a popular take-and-ride scooter-sharing program, letting riders use electric scooters, electric bikes, and electric mopeds. There are also Bird and Veo scooters, but my first time was a Lime.
It works by first installing the Lime app on your phone, unlocking a scooter, and taking off. Of course, you have to be near a scooter so you can scan its QR code, but once that’s done, you can zoom anywhere.
Top speed is between 12 and 17 miles per hour, depending on the model you’re using and how much you weigh. And the range is between eight and 15 miles, depending on the battery charge.
It costs one dollar to unlock the scooter, and then you’re charged by the minute; the cost depends on where you live. In Orlando, it’s $.67 per minute, so a ten-minute ride costs nearly $8. If you take a bike, it’s $4 for the first ten minutes and $.45 per minute after that. But a bike isn’t nearly as fun as a scooter.
There are no-go zones where the scooter or bike just stops working, which means I can’t take one home, no matter how hard I try. Sticking one in my trunk doesn’t work because the scooter doesn’t work outside of downtown.
But none of that matters, because the ecstasy and joy push all thought from your head. Just "I’m flying! I’m flying! Oh God, I’m going to die, but I’m flying!" over and over until you finally arrive at your destination.
My first time was a couple weeks ago, when I was going to watch my son’s band play in an outdoor gig. Parking was so bad that I had to park about five blocks from where I needed to be. I had injured my Achilles tendon a couple weeks before that, which meant it was going to take 30 minutes to get there on time.
That’s when I spotted the green and white scooter parked smack in the middle of the sidewalk. (Seriously, only jerks park their scooters in the middle of the sidewalk. You probably don’t return your grocery carts to the corral, either.)
I had never considered riding a scooter before that moment, but my Achilles hurt enough that I was willing to try it.
I downloaded the app, put in my information, and then I did something else I had never, ever done: I read the instructions.
I usually like to learn by doing, but I assumed it was important that I don’t barrel over any pedestrians, so I read them. Sure enough, "Don’t barrel over pedestrians" is one of the first rules of using a scooter.
I learned that you have to kick-push to start the scooter. Once it starts, use the little thumb switch to make it go, and let it go to slow down; there are also brake handles like on a regular bike.
I was scared to death for the first 30 seconds, but I soon got comfortable enough that I was only lightly terrified. I learned how to steer, speed up, and slow down, and I’m happy to say I only barreled down one pedestrian.
(It was her own fault, though. You never run directly from something bearing down on you; bob and weave, bob and weave. Stupid kid.)
I made it to the show with two minutes to spare, parked the scooter (to the side of the sidewalk, thank you very much!), and listened to my son’s band. (Search for "Raspberry Pie Music" on YouTube; he’s the bass player.)
The problem was, when I left, my scooter was gone! Jerks! Someone had stolen Gomer!
Except this is the point of a scooter-sharing program — you grab the closest one and take off. The previous rider will find one soon enough. I looked at the app and saw that there was a scooter across the street, so I hobbled over, unlocked it, and zoomed the five blocks back to my car, making sure to park it out of the path of any pedestrians.
That was my first day on a scooter, and it definitely won’t be my last. Maybe Santa will bring me one for Christmas.
After all, I’ve been a good boy this year, despite what that pedestrian told her family.
Photo credit: Baldesteinmanuel326 (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.