Do you like jazz? If you do, there’s a one-in-five chance you’re an adulterer.
According to a study published by the British tabloid, The Sun (official motto: Nothing 'news' under The Sun) and commissioned by Victoria Milan, people who love jazz are nearly ten times as likely to cheat on their significant others as heavy metal fans.
Victoria Milan — a matchmaking website for people who want to have affairs — surveyed more than 6,500 people who admitted to cheating, and found that three-quarters of them can’t stop thinking about their partner-in-infidelity when they hear their favorite music.
Victoria Milan was created by Sigurd Vedal in 2008 as a dating website for people who were already in relationships. It became wildly successful and is still in operation today, boasting more than five million users.
On his Instagram page, Vedal bills himself as an infidelity recovery specialist, which is like McDonald’s running a weight loss clinic.
As Vedal said in The Sun, the music you cheat to is an emotional trigger.
Talk about your high infidelity.
"The song you choose to listen to in your car as you go to meet your lover, or the music you are playing while you are intimate, becomes much more touching than the music you walked down the aisle ten years ago," Vedal said.
Joke’s on you! The song we walked out to 32 years ago was "The Hallelujah Chorus" by George Friedrich Handel, which is about Jesus. It doesn’t get more touching than that.
It’s also a famously unsexy song; religious music is a real mood killer.
In other words, count the number of people at any jazz show, divide by five, and that’s how many cheaters are in the venue.
Rounding out the top three cheating genres are Salsa at 14% and Pop at 13%.
"Oops, I Did It Again," indeed.
Country music was the last double-digit genre, with 12% of fans who are "Married But Not To Each Other" reporting that they cheat, which is still high. That means at a country bar, 1.2 people out of every ten are there with "Someone Else Calling You Baby." That’s pretty risky. Are you sure you want to be seen out in public with your "Daytime Friends?"
"On The Other Hand," it’s better than a "Back Street Affair." Still, "Your Cheatin’ Heart" will always betray you in the end, "Jolene."
Country music fans should appreciate that I looked up all those song titles for that joke.
The bottom three cheating genres are Electronica (4%), Indie (3%), and Heavy Metal (2%), which tells me either metalheads are some of the most faithful people in a relationship, or they’re mostly undatable.
Classical music listeners are smack in the middle at 6th place with 8% of filthy rotten cheaters. I would make more music jokes, but it’s hard to make a punchline from "Porgi Amor" from Mozart’s "Le Nozze di Figaro."
I had to look that one up, too.
Rock and roll, which is the delivery mechanism for sex and drugs — at least, that’s what we were promised — came in 9th at 5%. So, not as sexy as we had all hoped.
No, it’s those dirty jazzers who are stepping out on their spouses, and it’s baffling to me that they can actually find someone to hook up with. I mean, I like jazz, but I absolutely hate jazz fusion, smooth jazz, and bebop.
So, if you’re actually getting romantic to any of that, that’s impressive. Being romantic to bebop trumpet is nearly impossible.
For one thing, there’s no rhythm or melody. For another, the trumpet is the least sexy instrument in all music. And yes, that includes trombones and tubas. No one has ever tried to get lucky to a jazz tuba, and the trombone is the clown prince of the music world.
Womp womp, indeed.
Even a French horn has more game than a trumpet. They’re majestic and imperial, and they signal the thundering approach of knights on horses about to rain divine justice down on the unrighteous, and even that’s a lot sexier than a series of random bleats that sound almost like "Three Blind Mice."
Still, these results lead to further questions, like what happens when someone loves both heavy metal and jazz (19% and 2%)? Do you calculate the average at 11.5%? Or do you add the two figures and get 21%? Does this mean that 21% of heavy metal jazz fans are likely to stray?
Or what about classical music/country fans? The one whose truck bumper sticker says "My other truck is about to rain divine justice down on the unrighteous"?
Here’s my advice: If you’re looking for a long-lasting relationship with someone who won’t stray, pick the metalheads, and stay away from the jazz fiends. You know what they’re capable of. But if you ignore the advice, don’t say I didn’t warn you — just "Cry Me A River."
Photo credit: RawPixel.com (Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.