English and French Women Marry a River and a Train

In the Spring a young man’s — or woman’s — fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. 

With apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson, I don’t know that he had these two stories in mind when he penned that verse in 1835, but Spring has sprung, and we have two stories of love.

Two stories of unusual love affairs, one in England, one in France, both involving modes of transportation, none involving underpants.

Let’s start in England, where three years ago, Meg Avon (formerly Trump; no relation) married the River Avon in Bristol, England, down in the southwest of the island nation.

Not a guy named River. An actual river.

"To be fair, this is not the craziest thing anyone named Trump has done," said one observer. "It’s not like she married this river after cheating on the last river she had married."

Avon is a writer and activist born and raised in Bristol who married her hometown sweetheart on June 17, 2023. She called it a "joyful" ceremony designed to protect the river and to highlight the problems of water pollution.

Which means we’re about three months from the Avons’ three-year anniversary. The traditional three-year gift is leather, but leather gets ruined when it gets wet, so that’s out. However, the modern gift is crystal or glass, which is better suited for a quiet evening at home in bed.

(Riverbed? Get it?)

The River Avon is the 19th longest river in all of England, running 83 miles in total. It’s named after an old Celtic word, "abona," which means "river," so it’s literally named "River River."

The River Avon is also called Bristol Avon to distinguish it from the four other Rivers Avon in England and three in Scotland.

That sounds like a sinister twist in a soap opera story. We think Meg married River Avon Bristol, but she was tricked into marrying the evil River Avon Warwickshire, who has a mustache and an eyepatch.

Meg told The Mirror, "I am still finding time to swim in the river every week, even in the winter when it has been particularly wet, which always feels riskier."

Isn’t the river always wet, regardless of the time of year? I don’t see why winter is any different.

Also, is this a monogamous relationship? How does Meg feel if other people go swimming in her husband, or boats go cruising on him? And how does he feel when she takes a bath? Is that cheating, or is it more like giving a quick hug to a friend?

Meg: Where have you been? Is that lipstick on your bank? You haven’t been canoodling with the Bristol Channel, have you?

Bristol Avon: No, no, honey, I swear! My mom gave me a kiss when I met her for lunch today! Besides, why is the bathtub wet? Has your old boyfriend been coming around again?

Avon Warwickshire: Ha, ha! It’s actually me, your long-lost evil brother!

Meg also told The Mirror, "I’ve even been finding new ways to connect with the river, from swimming in various spots along the stretch to meeting people from various art and environmental communities at different points."

So it’s an open marriage?

Meg is not the only person who married a form of transportation. Sandra Rahm from Strasbourg, France, married her one true love back in 2024: "3013," a tram with the Strasbourg Transport Company.

Sandra has been in love with 3013 since the two began their relationship during COVID. She lives with a rare compulsion called objectophilia, which causes people to develop physical and emotional attractions to random objects, like chandeliers, ashtrays, and body pillows.

Her relationship went viral on Instagram, and she became noted for her love for the train. She had previously told the French newspaper, Les Dernières Nouvelles d’Alsace, "In 2015, a medium predicted that I would have a relationship with an object in 2020."

And bada-bing, clickety-clack, the prediction came true in July of that year. That’s when Sandra and 3013 spotted each other across a crowded tram station. She approached him, and he asked for her ticket number. As she talked to him, "a magnificent light apparition" appeared in the driver’s cabin, and the two have been connected ever since.

This came on the heels of a serious breakup with the Number 37 Downtown Bus.

Sandra said that after she and 3013 found each other, "things got crazy."

To show people she’s serious about keeping her relationship on track, her house is filled with photos and memorabilia of the little engine that did; even her clothing bears his name. She shares photos of herself and her tram husband (trusband?) with her 2,400+ Instagram followers, and she has the number "3013" tattooed on her wrist.

In fact, Sandra is in a 'throuple' with 3013: She also has a human boyfriend named Thomas.

Honestly, dear reader, when I first learned of this story, I was planning on making a Thomas the Tank Engine joke, but apparently, Fate has a better sense of humor than I do.

Regardless of what you may think of Meg’s and Sandra’s relationships or choice of partner, I just hope they never dry up, and everything keeps chugging along.

Photo credit: River Avon, Bristol - Steinsky (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 3.0)
Tramway de Strasbourg ligne 0 Eole99 (Wikimedia Commons, GNU Free Documentation License)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.