Did you know it’s against the law in California to say anything negative about eggs?
That is, you can’t badmouth, tell lies, or make false claims about them. You can’t say that eating eggs will cause you to lose weight, make you attractive, or give you a full head of hair. You can’t say that your neighbor’s chickens are radioactive or that eating eggs will cause you to grow a superfluous third eye. Or a very useful third eye.
Special shout-out to Grammar Girl, my favorite grammar podcast, for alerting me to the existence of 27637.
California Food and Agricultural Code § 27637 (or just "27637" to friends) says you cannot "make any statement, representation, or assertion… concerning the quality, size, weight, condition… relating to eggs which is false, deceptive, or misleading."
The entire section actually says:
It is unlawful for any person to make any statement, representation, or assertion orally, by public outcry, or proclamation, or in writing, or by any other manner or means whatever concerning the quality, size, weight, condition, source, origin, or any other matter relating to eggs which is false, deceptive, or misleading in any particular.
I trimmed the original text of this regulation down for this column because it’s unnecessarily long. Lawyers like to repeat, reiterate, duplicate, and emphasize everything they say, utter, verbalize, or prattle on about.
As a result, Section 27637 takes 54 words to say "don’t disparage eggs."
Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address is 271 words long, The Cat In The Hat is 223, and The Night Before Christmas is 548 words. And I said in three words what they needed an additional 51 to say.
There’s a reason I’m a professional writer, and the people who write the California Food and Agricultural Code are…not.
Some "legal scholars" on social media claim this regulation runs afoul — get it? — of the First Amendment. Others argue that this does not fall within its purview since the First Amendment doesn’t cover false and deceptive statements like "California eggs stole my truck."
But even with all the rules, restrictions, and extra words, the law missed a few things.
Like, what kinds of eggs, specifically? Are we only talking about chicken eggs? What if a farmer grows duck eggs? Can he or she lie about their duck eggs?
What about an ostrich farmer? Are they allowed to spin wild untruths about their eggs, like "Our ostrich eggs were substituted for the balls in the 2026 World Cup?"
Or are we including all eggs? Does this mean the California Caviar Company can’t tell slight fibs about their fish egg dip? What about that weirdo who illegally smuggles rattlesnake eggs? Is he bound by 27637?
Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over, buddy?"
Weirdo: "Because I was going 90 miles an hour in a school zone?"
Cop: Pfft, no! It’s because you said your rattlesnake eggs were organic when we know for a fact that you used pesticides.
And who does 27637 apply to? The rule says "any person," but does that mean a regular non-poultry farmer will get a ticket for saying, "Them eggs shot my Pa!"
Will a SWAT team burst through my door because I don’t like Aunt Helen’s deviled eggs?
Me: "Thanks for inviting me, Aunt Helen. But I think the deviled eggs are a little heavy on the paprika this year."
SWAT team: " Go! Go! Go! Everyone down on the ground! Drop the brisket, sir! Drop the brisket!"
What about all the mean girls in high school who tell Kaitlyn to tell Caitlin to tell Kate Lynn that an egg is trying to steal her boyfriend? Or the ones who play a prank and make her think that the quarterback wants to take her to prom? What about typical playground taunts?
"Your mom’s so plump, Publix is selling her as a rotisserie chicken."
Finally, the regulation ends with "which is false, deceptive, or misleading in any particular."
I thought it was a typo, but it turns out saying "any particular" is intentional. It’s lawyer talk for "You can’t make a statement that’s 95% true and say that 'overall, I wasn’t misleading.'"
Yeah, I thought it was a weird.
Most importantly, does 27637 apply to non-Californians? I live in Florida, and there’s no rule here about me saying, "Florida eggs will try to steal your girlfriend." I can accuse Florida eggs of trying to rig an election or shooting a man just to watch him die, and nothing will happen to me. I’m untouchable!
But can I get in trouble if I insult California eggs from here in Florida? What if I started a podcast called "California eggs caused the algae in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool?" Would the California Food and Agriculture people come after me?
I mean, they might send me a ticket, summons, injunction, subpoena, edict, or notice.
Photo credit: Steve Weirather (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.