It’s the worst feeling in the world. Worse than getting sent to the principal’s office. Worse than getting called to HR out of the blue. Worse than your significant other saying, "Look, we need to talk." OK, maybe not that bad, but it’s still pretty bad.
It’s the realization that you can’t find your phone or your wallet. Not just, "I set my phone down somewhere in my house, and now I can’t find it." I know someone who does that on a daily basis, and it’s almost comical.
(I won’t name names, though, because I’m married to her.)
You’re out at a restaurant with friends, and the bill comes. You reach for your phone or wallet, but it’s not there! You pat your back pocket or look inside your purse. Nothing. You dig deeper in your purse, you check your other pockets.
It’s gone!
You check your pockets one more time, in case the wallet fairy slipped it in when you weren’t looking, but she's let you down.
So where is it? Did you leave it at home? No, you paid for coffee that morning. Did you leave it at the coffee shop? No, you went out for lunch. Where could it be? What do I do? Should I cancel my credit cards? Is someone stealing my identity? How would Jason Bourne handle this? I could rent the movie to see, BUT I LOST MY WALLET!
You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and calm yourself. You mentally retrace your steps and finally remember: It’s in the Uber you took to get here.
You’re far from alone. People leave stuff behind in their Ubers all the time. In fact, Uber just compiled their annual list of left behind items.
This year’s list includes a Donny Osmond group picture, a mannequin, a brand-new mini fridge, an oxygen tank, a pair of partial teeth in a tissue, and dentures with two teeth.
Those last two are separate forgotten items, unfortunately. There weren’t two people taking their teeth out and spitting watermelon seeds at each other.
I also assume Uber meant that someone left "four hundred and twenty" donuts, and that this isn’t stoner code for "Dude, 4:20. Heh heh heh. You know what that means? 4:20!" because someone left a few special marijuana donuts. Because I don’t think you can buy those.
Except I think we may have invented an interesting alternative to pot gummies.
Speaking of food, someone left a "fish loin for my restaurant," which implies some restaurant owner was carrying a whole slab of fish meat to serve in their restaurant. A typical cod loin costs about $30 per pound, so a five-pound slab of fish is a costly error. And by the time they got it back, it was probably not suitable for serving.
One passenger left 20 pounds of duck sausage, while another forgot a meat slicer. And a third person forgot their hand-baked matzah, which sounds like a tasty lunch.
Throw in the four tamales, 50 avocados, 70 tiramisu cakes, an entire Thanksgiving meal, and eight shots of Fireball whiskey, and we could have had a real party.
I just hope they don’t bump into the fish loin guy.
Someone left an ankle monitor behind. Or if you’re a glass-half-full person, someone made a successful getaway and is now a wanted fugitive.
Another rider left a single red-bottom Christian Louboutin heel. I assume Uber meant a high-heeled shoe, and not just the heel of a Christian Louboutin shoe. Because that would be weird.
Speaking of weird, Uber has recovered a mannequin, two trees, a dishwasher, pelvis implants, and a package of live butterflies. Not to mention a police radio, a double-door oven, a coffee table, a CPAP machine, and two wedding gowns, which fit nicely into my fish love story.
This is also the tenth anniversary that Uber has been keeping track of their left-behind items. Some of their top items include finding divorce papers in 2018, someone’s toy poodle (2023), and a lobster (2017).
Oh, man, I know where you can find a 75-gallon fish tank!
They’ve also recovered a fake butt (2024), a large painting of Kate Middleton (2021), and a lanyard that says "Virginity rocks" (2020).
Tell that lanyard person I know where their Donny Osmond group photo is.
Photo credit: Donuts: (PickPik, Creative Commons 0) Empty fish tank: Andrzej 22 (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 1.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.