Friday, July 12, 2013

The Spy Who Tweeted Me

Last week, while alleged NSA leaker Edward Snowden reprised Tom Hanks' role from "The Terminal" in the Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow, he received a marriage proposal from Anna Chapman via Twitter.

Chapman is the redheaded Russian spy who was arrested in the U.S. in 2010 and sent back to Russia in a Cold War-style 10-spy swap ("we'll give you Chapman for Tim Tebow and two spies to be named later").

With a little investigating of my own, I've managed to dig up the entire Twitter conversation that followed.

RussianRedAC: @NSALeaker Snowden, will you marry me?!

NSALeaker: May be difficult. Stuck in Sheremetyevo airport until further notice.

RussianRedAC: I know. You're all over Russian news. I live just 5 miles from you.

NSALeaker: Just checked your Twitter page. I remember you. Watch your TV show here in SVO. Fmr employer kept tabs on you.

RussianRedAC: I know. That's how I got caught.

NSALeaker: No, I mean up until 2 months ago. Then I had to flee country.

RussianRedAC: Um, eww?!

NSALeaker: I know. Sorry. #NotMyJob

RussianRedAC: Not your fault. Think it might have been ex-boyfriend.

NSALeaker: It wasn't @CIA_Stud, was it?

RussianRedAC: Oh dear God. #awkward

CIA_Stud: Hey @RussianRedAC. Long time, no see. Not since. . . incident in NYC. Still think of you.

RussianRedAC: Oh hey, @CIA_Stud. Things going well here. Have own TV show now. #LivingTheDream

CIA_Stud: I know. Me & the boys from office watch it over lunch breaks.

MapleLeafSpy: @RussianRedAC, what's this I hear about you proposing to @NSALeaker? Thought you and I were exclusive.

Pentagon_Dave: @MapleLeafSpy, she told me same thing. #whatatangledweb

CIA_Stud: Ha, @MapleLeafSpy + @Pentagon_Dave = LOSERS! We used to laugh at how naive you were.

RussianRedAC: Um, spy, remember? #coverstory

CIA_Stud: But. . . even me?

RussianRedAC: Da, comrade. ;-) #sorrycharlie

CIA_Stud: Can't handle this. Can't breathe.

Pentagon_Dave: HA! @CIA_Stud = Catfish!

MapleLeafSpy: Wait a minute, @CIA_Stud, you're not that big blowhard she used to talk about, are you? What was her name for you?

Pentagon_Dave: It was Simpering Steve!

MapleLeafSpy: Oh wow, that was totally it! LOL

CIA_Stud: Hey, screw you! I'll come up to Canada, you'll meet my fists, Lincoln and Washington!

NSALeaker: Yeah, don't mess with U.S. I know where your national maple syrup stockpile is. #StillAnAmerican

MapleLeafSpy: Dude! 1. No, you don't. That's a secret. 2. I could lose my job. #becool

Pentagon_Dave: @NSALeaker, if you can share that, we could look the other way at SVO for a few minutes. #justsaying

MapleLeafSpy: @NSALeaker, I'm begging you. Please, be cool.

NSALeaker: Alright, DM me. Maybe we can work something out.

RussianRedAC: So, @NSALeaker, what do you say? Marriage sound good? You get citizen protection, amnesty.

NSALeaker: Don't know. Venezuela, Ecuador, Bolivia all offering nice options. Gets cold in Russia.

RussianRedAC: True, but we have high-speed Internet.

NSALeaker: Also, I have a girlfriend.

Leaker_GF: Not anymore! Seriously, you name climate as reason #1 not to marry Russian slut spy, and not me?

MapleLeafSpy: #awkward

RussianRedAC: Maybe so, b****, but I'm also 5 miles away. You're 1/2 way around the entire world.

Leaker_GF: Just say the word, @RussianRedAC. I'll fly over there and kick your frozen ass!

NSATail: Sorry, @Leaker_GF, we can't let you leave the country.

Leaker_GF: @NSALeaker, can't you do something about this?

NSALeaker: Um, fugitive, remember?

Freelance_Ops: @Leaker_GF, I see you're having problem with spies and foreign governments. For $10K USD, we can provide a solution.

** Freelance_Ops has been blocked and reported for spam. **

RussianRedAC: So, @NSALeaker, what do you say? Free for coffee later today?

NSALeaker: Sure. Not like I have to be anywhere. #freebutnotfree

RussianRedAC: Be there in an hour.

NSALeaker: Do you know where to find me?

RussianRedAC: Sure, Old roommate is on your security detail. I mean, works at the Starbucks near you. I'll be carrying a yellow rose.

MapleLeafSpy: Dude, watch out for the yellow rose! #ItsATrap

Pentagon_Dave: Yeah, I fell for that twice. #holdyourbreath

CIA_Stud: What? You told me that was a symbol of our special bond!

MapleLeafSpy: Me too.

Pentagon_Dave: Me too. First time I thought I was just sleepy.

RussianRedAC: Um, spy, remember?

BolivianHottie: @NSALeaker, Snowden, will you marry me?!

RussianRedAC: Back off, @BolivianHottie! I got here first.

BolivianHottie: Oops, sorry @RussianRedAC. Second time we've done that, huh? Didn't know you were still working. #professionalhazard

RussianRedAC: Ix-nay on the orking-way!

VenezuelanVenus: @NSALeaker, Snowden, you free for dinner tonight? I can carry in Chinese.

BolivianHottie: Forget it, @VenezuelanVenus. @RussianRedAC already beat us to it.

VenezuelanVenus: Dammit! Second time that's happened!

MapleLeafSpy: Claudia, is that you?

The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), and my other book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing are both available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.


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