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The Spy Who Tweeted Me

Last week, while alleged NSA leaker Edward Snowden reprised Tom Hanks' role from "The Terminal" in the Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow, he received a marriage proposal from Anna Chapman via Twitter.

Chapman is the redheaded Russian spy who was arrested in the U.S. in 2010 and sent back to Russia in a Cold War-style 10-spy swap ("we'll give you Chapman for Tim Tebow and two spies to be named later").

With a little investigating of my own, I've managed to dig up the entire Twitter conversation that followed.

RussianRedAC: @NSALeaker Snowden, will you marry me?!

NSALeaker: May be difficult. Stuck in Sheremetyevo airport until further notice.

RussianRedAC: I know. You're all over Russian news. I live just 5 miles from you.

NSALeaker: Just checked your Twitter page. I remember you. Watch your TV show here in SVO. Fmr employer kept tabs on you.

RussianRedAC: I know. That's how I got caught.

NSALeaker: No, I mean up until 2 months ago. Then I had to flee country.

RussianRedAC: Um, eww?!

NSALeaker: I know. Sorry. #NotMyJob

RussianRedAC: Not your fault. Think it might have been ex-boyfriend.

NSALeaker: It wasn't @CIA_Stud, was it?

RussianRedAC: Oh dear God. #awkward

CIA_Stud: Hey @RussianRedAC. Long time, no see. Not since. . . incident in NYC. Still think of you.

RussianRedAC: Oh hey, @CIA_Stud. Things going well here. Have own TV show now. #LivingTheDream

CIA_Stud: I know. Me & the boys from office watch it over lunch breaks.

MapleLeafSpy: @RussianRedAC, what's this I hear about you proposing to @NSALeaker? Thought you and I were exclusive.

Pentagon_Dave: @MapleLeafSpy, she told me same thing. #whatatangledweb

CIA_Stud: Ha, @MapleLeafSpy + @Pentagon_Dave = LOSERS! We used to laugh at how naive you were.

RussianRedAC: Um, spy, remember? #coverstory

CIA_Stud: But. . . even me?

RussianRedAC: Da, comrade. ;-) #sorrycharlie

CIA_Stud: Can't handle this. Can't breathe.

Pentagon_Dave: HA! @CIA_Stud = Catfish!

MapleLeafSpy: Wait a minute, @CIA_Stud, you're not that big blowhard she used to talk about, are you? What was her name for you?

Pentagon_Dave: It was Simpering Steve!

MapleLeafSpy: Oh wow, that was totally it! LOL

CIA_Stud: Hey, screw you! I'll come up to Canada, you'll meet my fists, Lincoln and Washington!

NSALeaker: Yeah, don't mess with U.S. I know where your national maple syrup stockpile is. #StillAnAmerican

MapleLeafSpy: Dude! 1. No, you don't. That's a secret. 2. I could lose my job. #becool

Pentagon_Dave: @NSALeaker, if you can share that, we could look the other way at SVO for a few minutes. #justsaying

MapleLeafSpy: @NSALeaker, I'm begging you. Please, be cool.

NSALeaker: Alright, DM me. Maybe we can work something out.

RussianRedAC: So, @NSALeaker, what do you say? Marriage sound good? You get citizen protection, amnesty.

NSALeaker: Don't know. Venezuela, Ecuador, Bolivia all offering nice options. Gets cold in Russia.

RussianRedAC: True, but we have high-speed Internet.

NSALeaker: Also, I have a girlfriend.

Leaker_GF: Not anymore! Seriously, you name climate as reason #1 not to marry Russian slut spy, and not me?

MapleLeafSpy: #awkward

RussianRedAC: Maybe so, b****, but I'm also 5 miles away. You're 1/2 way around the entire world.

Leaker_GF: Just say the word, @RussianRedAC. I'll fly over there and kick your frozen ass!

NSATail: Sorry, @Leaker_GF, we can't let you leave the country.

Leaker_GF: @NSALeaker, can't you do something about this?

NSALeaker: Um, fugitive, remember?

Freelance_Ops: @Leaker_GF, I see you're having problem with spies and foreign governments. For $10K USD, we can provide a solution.

** Freelance_Ops has been blocked and reported for spam. **

RussianRedAC: So, @NSALeaker, what do you say? Free for coffee later today?

NSALeaker: Sure. Not like I have to be anywhere. #freebutnotfree

RussianRedAC: Be there in an hour.

NSALeaker: Do you know where to find me?

RussianRedAC: Sure, Old roommate is on your security detail. I mean, works at the Starbucks near you. I'll be carrying a yellow rose.

MapleLeafSpy: Dude, watch out for the yellow rose! #ItsATrap

Pentagon_Dave: Yeah, I fell for that twice. #holdyourbreath

CIA_Stud: What? You told me that was a symbol of our special bond!

MapleLeafSpy: Me too.

Pentagon_Dave: Me too. First time I thought I was just sleepy.

RussianRedAC: Um, spy, remember?

BolivianHottie: @NSALeaker, Snowden, will you marry me?!

RussianRedAC: Back off, @BolivianHottie! I got here first.

BolivianHottie: Oops, sorry @RussianRedAC. Second time we've done that, huh? Didn't know you were still working. #professionalhazard

RussianRedAC: Ix-nay on the orking-way!

VenezuelanVenus: @NSALeaker, Snowden, you free for dinner tonight? I can carry in Chinese.

BolivianHottie: Forget it, @VenezuelanVenus. @RussianRedAC already beat us to it.

VenezuelanVenus: Dammit! Second time that's happened!

MapleLeafSpy: Claudia, is that you?

The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), and my other book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing are both available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.


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