Goldilocks v. The Three Bears
Goldilocks v. The Three Bears
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Erik is feeling under the weather this week, so we are reprinting a
column from 2002.
Bailiff: All rise! The Honorable Jacob Loveless presiding.
Judge Loveless: Bailiff, what's the next case?
Bailiff: Goldilocks versus The Three Bears, your Honor.
Loveless: Who represents the plaintiff?
Johnny Cochrane: I do, Your Honor.
Loveless: What seems to be the problem, Mr. Cochrane?
Cochrane: Your Honor, my client had occasion to enter the defendants' home on Saturday, May 18th. During her visit, she sampled some of their food, sat in their chairs, and slept in their beds. Because of the Bears' negligence in food preparation and furniture maintenance, as well
as a failure to secure their home against intruders, my client suffered third degree oral burns, chronic back pain, and a bruised tailbone. She also suffered severe mental anguish resulting from a fear of being mauled during a brief chase. We're suing for physical injuries and emotional distress, and are asking for $3 million.
Loveless: I . . . see. And who represents the defendants?
F. Lee Bailey: I do, Your Honor. We believe the plaintiff's claims are frivolous and a cheap attempt at making a personal fortune out of her own misdeeds. Her injuries are a direct result of illegal entry into my clients' home, misdemeanor theft, and wanton destruction of private property. Not only do we dispute her claims, we are counter-suing for property loss and emotional distress. We are seeking four million dollars.
Cochrane: Oh yeah?! Then we're amending our suit to FIVE million dollars!
Loveless: Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Cochrane: Sorry, Your Honor. My client only entered the home to seek shelter. She was lost, cold, and afraid for her safety. She knocked on the door, but no one was at home. She decided to wait for the occupants inside. Being overcome with hunger and exhaustion, she made herself at
Loveless: Is this true, Ms. Goldilocks?
Goldilocks: Yeth, Yoa Onnow. I wath afwaid ad awone.
Loveless: What did she say?
Cochrane: She said "Yes Your Honor, I was afraid and alone."
Loveless: Why is she talking like that?
Cochrane: Because of the serious oral burns she received after sampling the "Too Hot" porridge, which we are submitting as Plaintiff's Exhibit A.
Loveless: It's stone cold.
Cochrane: Well, it has been two months, Your Honor.
Bailey: If the porridge ain't hot, a case you ain't got. Isn't that right, Johnny?
Cochrane: Shut up, F. Lee! I taught you that trick!
Loveless (sighs): Please continue, Mr. Cochrane.
Cochrane: We further contend that the defendants' negligence in maintaining their home in suitable living conditions caused my client to sit in a chair that was too hard and another that was too soft. This has resulted in her chronic lower back pain. The third chair was also shoddily constructed, which is why it broke under her weight and bruised her tailbone. These conditions have affected her ability to work, and have had a negative effect on her personal income.
Loveless: What do you do for a living, Ms. Goldilocks?
Goldilocks: Dewivvewy thervithe.
Cochrane: "Delivery service," Your Honor. She owns and operates a food delivery service for the elderly. You may remember the murder trial of a Mr. B. Wolf for the murder and cannibalism of one of her employee's grandmother.
Loveless (mumbling): Someone please kill me now.
Bailey: Your Honor, the plaintiff is obviously blaming my clients for her own crimes and misfortunes. I fail to see how it's the Bear family's fault that she injured herself. She was not invited into the home, she was not asked to eat their food, sit on their furniture, or sleep in their beds. She did all of these things illegally, and blames them for her injuries. Where is the justice in that?
Loveless: So why are you suing for $4 million?
Bailey: The emotional distress my clients have suffered are causing irreparable damage to the family harmony. Mama Bear wakes up every 15 minutes to make sure the doors are locked. Papa Bear is paralyzed with a sense of helplessness at the violation of his home. And the two have not
been intimate since the break-in.
Papa Bear: We told you that in confidence, you shyster!
Bailey: I'm sorry, please don't eat me.
Loveless: I never should have gotten up this morning. Please continue, Mr. Bailey.
Bailey: Baby Bear has been inconsolable ever since his favorite chair was broken. And Mr. Cochrane has even reported the Bear family to Child Services, claiming the faulty chair and uncomfortable furniture constitutes a safety issue for Baby Bear.
Cochrane: If the bear cannot sit, you must report it.
Bailey: One more hackneyed rhyme out of you, Cochrane, and we'll step outside.
Cochrane: There once was a stock scammer from
Bailey: Why, you son of a--!
Judge: That's enough out of both of you! I'm dismissing both cases on account of you two being idiots. Bailiff, call the next case.
Bailiff: Next case: People v. Georgie Porgie on 13 counts of aggravated assault, sexual misconduct, and fleeing the scene.