Steroids Investigation Reaches New Low

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Steroids Investigation Reaches New Low
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

SENATOR SOGGYBOTTOM: Esteemed colleagues of the Senate Judiciary Committee, we are launching an investigation into the use of performance enhancing drugs by Ancient Heroes. Today, we will hear testimony from Samson of Ancient Israel, Hercules and Atlas of Ancient Greece and Rome, and Thor from Scandinavia. You four have already sworn your oath, so we'll begin.

THOR: I renew my objection to swearing on a Bible. In my day, a Viking's word was his oath. We would often swear by my father Odin's beard, or sacrifice a goat before a battle, but never on a book.

SOGGYBOTTOM: Your objection is so noted. Now, gentlemen, on to our questions. Mr. Hercules?

HERCULES: Let me start by telling you this. I have never used steroids, period.

SOGGYBOTTOM: Don't bother. We've heard that one before. Now, you are considered one of the strongest men in the world, and your many exploits are legendary. However, you have also been linked to the BALCO scandal and two steroids commonly known as the Cream and the Clear.

HERCULES: That's a lie!

SOGGYBOTTOM: Sir, we have several eyewitnesses who can place you in the same vicinity as a known steroid dealer on at least 17 separate occasions.

HERCULES: Those are foul lies spread by my enemies.

SOGGYBOTTOM: These statements have been made by Greg McGregor, a personal trainer to many Heroes, including Paul Bunyan, Irish hero Finn MacCool, and of course, yourself.

HERCULES: Greg McGregor? That guy couldn't train a monkey to eat a banana.

SAMSON: Looks like you were a good fit then.

HERCULES: Up yours, Long-hair. We haven't heard too much from your part of the world since you killed all those Philistines with your mother's jawbone.

SAMSON: Why you son of a--!

SOGGYBOTTOM (bangs his gavel): Gentlemen! That will be enough out of both of you.

HERCULES: As I was saying, Greg McGregor is not a trainer. Guy spots me for one set of bench presses, and suddenly he's my trainer? He's a walking pharmacy. I wanted nothing to do with him.

SOGGYBOTTOM: Then how do you explain the meetings?

HERCULES: They weren't meetings, he was stalking me. I spent a month in L.A., and he followed me everywhere. I'd go to a movie premiere, and he was there. I'd go to the gym, he was there. Pink's Hot Dogs? Bam, there he was. He finally quit when I threatened to pound his head down into his shoulders. Who needs restraining orders when you've got biceps like these? You got your tickets to the gun show yet, Senator?!

SOGGYBOTTOM: Sit down, please, Mr. Hercules. So you're saying you've never used the Clear or the Cream?

HERCULES: Absolutely. I'm the son of Zeus. I don't need artificial enhancements like Ms. Long-hair over here. What can he do when he paints his nails?

SAMSON: That's it, olive breath. It is so on!

HERCULES: Ooh, what're you going to do, Long-hair? Hit me with your purse?

SOGGYBOTTOM (bangs his gavel): That's enough! Mr. Samson, stand over there, please. Mr. Hercules, you stand over -- uh, Mr. Samson, could you please step away from those pillars? You've got a bit of a history with. . . thank you. Now, Mr. Atlas?

ATLAS: Yes, sir?

SOGGYBOTTOM: This report says you've also been linked to steroids.

ATLAS: Oh yeah, totally.

SOGGYBOTTOM: Totally what, Mr. Atlas?

ATLAS: I totally used that stuff.

SOGGYBOTTOM: And that you -- wait, what?! Are you admitting to using steroids?

ATLAS: Absolutely. Every day for the last 70 years.

SOGGYBOTTOM: But why? You've held the Earth on your shoulders for the last 3000 years. What made you start using them?

ATLAS: Because I've been holding the Earth on my shoulders for 3000 years. That really takes its toll. A lot of these young bucks come along and they're stronger and faster, just like Tall-Blond-and-Handsome here. I needed an edge.

THOR: Dude, there's no way I'd ever be able to outperform you. You've been the gold standard all these centuries. I mean, I just have this magic hammer. You can hold up, like, the entire world.

ATLAS: Don't sell yourself short. I've heard the stories about you.

THOR: You're too kind. By the way, that's a nice suit. Where'd you get it?

ATLAS: Manetti's. It's a little menswear shop on Delaware. Do you know it?

THOR: No.

ATLAS: Maybe we can stop by when this is done, and get a drink afterward.

THOR: And I know this great little tapas place if you're hungry.

ATLAS: Oh, totally. I love tapas with a nice Merlot.

THOR: Sounds fabulous.

SOGGYBOTTOM (bangs his gavel): Gentlemen, if we could get back to business? We're going to take a 30 minute break, and we'll resume the questioning when we return.