Skip to main content

Karl vs. Bigfoot

Karl vs. Bigfoot
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

"I see they're hunting for Bigfoot," said Karl the Curmudgeon, taking a swig of his beer. We were sitting at our favorite Ukrainian bar, enjoying a couple of cold Obolons, a Ukrainian beer brewed in Kiev.

Who's doing what now? I asked.

"Bushnell Binoculars and Field and Stream magazine are offering $1 million to anyone in the United States who takes a photo of Bigfoot."

Yeah, right.

"No seriously, Kid. I read it on the Internet."

On the Internet, huh? I read on the Internet that he was living at Graceland in the apartment over the garage.

Karl plonked his beer on the bar. "Now you're just making fun of me." He sulked in his seat, so I bought him another beer, which cheered him up.

"They know no one has ever actually seen a photo of Bigfoot. It's just a marketing stunt for their real contest."

What about that grainy Bigfoot video they show on Discovery Channel?

"A fake. The guy admitted he faked the whole thing before he died."

Did you hear about that on the Internet too?

"Nope, cable TV."

Oh, that's so much more reliable. How do you know he faked it? Maybe he wasn't real either. Maybe it was a couple of teenagers pretending to be an old guy making a deathbed confession.

"Shut up a minute, Kid, you might learn something. The real contest is for best deer photos, best non-deer photos, and funniest photos. But they'll cough up a million bucks if someone can find the real Bigfoot."

That's just stupid. I mean, is anyone actually crazy enough to look for Bigfoot in the freaking wilderness and. . . oh no, you're entering, aren't you?

Karl beamed at me. "And I'm going to win too!"

But there's no such thing as Bigfoot.

"How do you know?"

How do I know there are no eight-foot, fur-covered semi-humans wandering the Pacific Northwest? Oh, call it a hunch.


Call it a wild guess.


Call it rampant speculation.

"Kid, you're too smart for your own good."

My high school algebra teacher would disagree with you. Now there's a Bigfoot candidate for you. Hairiest math teacher I ever met.

"Kid, this isn't easy for me, but. . . well, I need your help." Karl plonked his beer again. Not his usual plonk of indignation and disbelief; it was a shy, almost humble plonk.

I'm sorry, Karl, I didn't know this meant so much to you. What can I do for you?

"I need a trail camera."

What's that?

"It's a camera you mount to a tree so it can take shots of passing wildlife."

And what will you do after you get it?

"Mount it to a tree. Didn't you hear what I just said?"

I mean where in the country do you plan on mounting it?

"Hmm, that's a good question. New York, Florida, and Rhode Island residents aren't allowed to enter the contest, so they're out."

Why do you suppose that is?

"Don't know. Maybe Bushnell just doesn't like those guys."

Or maybe they know that's where Bigfoot is hiding out, and they're trying to keep people from collecting the $1 million.

"That's just plain stupid."

Said the guy who wants to take pictures of a yet-unseen North American ape.

"Fair enough. So you're not going to help me?"

I didn't say that. I actually want to see how far you're willing to take this.

"All the way to Washington State."

Why there?

"You said yourself that Bigfoot's in the Pacific Northwest, so we'll head up there and see what we can find."

Whoa, what do you mean we, Kemosabe? I never agreed to this crazy scheme, I'm just helping you get a camera. After that, I'm done.

"Oh, don't be such a pansy."

Tell you what, I'll find you a camera, and you come up with the rest of the gear. The tent, the sleeping bag, the food – you'll probably need three month's worth – extra clothes. . .


And you'll need a way to transport it all, so you'll need an SUV. Of course gas is awfully expensive, so you'll need a several hundred dollars just to get there.


And God help you if he crosses into Canada. Are the photos even eligible if you take them in Canada?


Yeah, Karl.

"How about you just take photos of me in a gorilla suit in the woods behind my house?"

Now you're talking. Let's have another beer.


Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…