Skip to main content

My New Sissy Dog

My New Sissy Dog
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

My family hit an all-time low this week. One that I vowed we would never hit as long as I was alive: we have a new Maltese-Poodle puppy.

For those of you not familiar with the Maltese-Poodle, let me describe it. A Maltese is a small dog with fluffy fur that constantly gets underfoot and has an annoying yip for a bark. A Poodle is a small dog with curly fur that constantly gets underfoot and has an annoying yip for a bark. The Maltese-Poodle is a mix: a small dog with curly and fluffy hair, but apparently it doesn't get underfoot or have an annoying yip. At least that's what my family tells me. They were the ones who picked it.

"Honey, we need a new dog," my wife said a couple weeks ago. "The kids miss having a dog."

"What did you have in mind?"

"How about a Maltese-Poodle?"

I reminded her that our son was allergic to our last dogs, a pair of Beagles, and that we had said we weren't going to get another dog for a while. I thought bringing our son's well-being would trump all this talk of sissy dogs.

"These dogs are hypoallergenic," she said. "They don't cause sneezing."

"They're sissy dogs," I said. "I want a manly dog. Like a Beagle." I figured if we were getting a dog, we'd get a real dog, and my son could put up with a little sneezing. My male ego is more important than a five-year-old's comfort.

My wife began sending me online photos of different Maltese-Poodles, and I responded with photos of Beagles and Beagle mixes. It was our own little canine flame war. Finally, this past Wednesday, my wife called me at work.

"I found a cute little dog online. I'm going to take the kids to go visit her."

It's my own fault, really. I should have known the words "cute little dog" was code for "the dog I want," and "go visit her" meant "bring her home."

I thought about forbidding her to do it, but the last time I forbade anything, I was nearly forbidden from sleeping in our room. "Our room" was code for "this hemisphere." So I said good-bye to my masculinity. In typical, Beagle-owning macho fashion, we hugged roughly, thumping each other on the back hard enough to pound nails.

Later, I got a phone call. "Come home and see what we got. Her name is Sophie, and she's white, fluffy, and tiny. She's only five-and-a-half weeks old and she doesn't even weigh a pound. You'll love her."

Code for "You WILL love her. Or else."

When I got home, my family was sitting in a circle on the kitchen floor with this tiny white creature in the middle.

"Eww, there's a mouse in here," I said.

"Daddy!" my kids hollered in a warning tone. I sat on the floor and watched her for a while.

"I think she's got a little Iwish in her," I said.

"Iwish? Do you mean Irish?"

"No, Iwish. As in I wish she was a Beagle."

Sophie was walking unsteadily on the tile floor, and she stumbled over to me. I picked her up and held her in my hands, like one would hold a moth, with her head sticking out.

"Don't pee on me," I warned. She sniffed my goatee and stared at me. I stared back.

"Daddy, you can put her down," said my youngest daughter.

"No, she's fine where she is," I said. "Why don't you go play?"

"We want to watch Sophie."

"Then watch her in my hands." I held on to this interloper for a few minutes, and she fell asleep. I sat motionless on the couch for 15 minutes while she slept, sitting upright in my cupped hands.

"I guess we can keep her," I grunted to my wife. "But if anyone asks, she's your dog."

Later, that evening, while my wife was at work, I let Sophie fall asleep on my lap while I read a book. For a couple hours. A masculine book about fighting and tools and beer, in case you're wondering.

I looked down at her occasionally, and decided she wasn't such a bad dog after all. She's no Beagle, but she's kind of cute, in a way. In a tough, masculine sort of way, that is.

Just don't tell my wife I like Sophie. I'm still trying to convince her that we need a Beagle. But not a big one. I don't want her to hurt my baby, er, I mean my wife's dog.

Comments

  1. It's good to read that you're learning "marital code." May you apply that knowledge wisely.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This made me so happy. You big lady.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam.
Otherwise, spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

TFBIHCAEEPTSD.

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…